10 months

Postby Cthompson21 » Mon May 13, 2019 1:04 pm

Just posting just to say I'm still here still going. I have been through a lot and I'm not looking for any advice sympathy or whatever. I've screwed around with drugs and I've done something to my brain. Weed has done something to me I dont know if I'll ever fully get back. I keep having random health problems too that I think are a result of my body going through the stress of PAWS. I've been having a rough time since weed ten months ago. Total it's been three and a half years almost since I've abused stimulants to wreck my brain. Weed just brought me down again and I dont expect to recovery fully anytime soon. But I'm still fighting doing the best I can. It is so hard some days. I pray to God I will recover but I can only expect so much after what I've done. Right now I'm battling a cold that I cant shake because I cant sleep and am not recovering from as quickly as I normally would. I feel...aged...broken...down...but still here. Tomorrow is not guaranteed so I am posting this to say live every day the best you can, with or without PAWS and you will still get some happiness. Here is a message that is from another site for alcohol abuse I received I read every day almost. For context the sender was an alcoholic and had long term issues with PAWS like me. I asked him how to cope and how to have a future and he replied:

"Sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I'm afraid I don't have any easy answers. In recovery I've become accomplished at managing my expectations of others. However, like you, I still have a hard time dealing with the gap I perceive between my expectations of myself, and what my actual capabilities are nowadays.

For me, some of it is undoubtedly permanent brain damage from alcohol abuse. Some of the PAWS-like brain malfunctions have gotten a lot better over time, but others still persist. I've had to accept that I didn't come out on the other side of addiction with quite the same brain I had going in.

On the other hand, I'm aware that some of it is also perception. Like you, I tend to become overly anxious over my perception of diminished capabilities. However, if I force myself to make an honest assessment, in some ways I'm doing a lot better than I tend to give myself credit for. I bet the same is true for you.

Sometimes it helps me to compare my brain damage with a physical injury, like if I had lost a few fingers playing with firecrackers. Either way, it is what it is. The past can't be changed, and there's no point in dwelling on what might have been. The only way forward is to keep going forward."

I hope this helps someone. Granted. Not everyone is severe as me and I'm sure you many will feel "normal" again but this message gives me some kind of incentive to live each day in the moment. I hope I can share that message. I am sober and will continue to be so! I see some people on here still use other drugs and alcohol time to time but ultimately if you want to be free. ...be sober. I want to be able to see my nephew/godson grow up, to have success career wise and enjoy all the time I have with friends and family and not worry about PAWS as much as I do every day but it's a struggle. But I will face each day as best I can and i hope you will too.
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Postby BullFrog » Wed May 15, 2019 6:34 pm

Good to see hear from you, Thompson. It really sucks to hear you are going through some really bad times right now. I admit, my head isn't feeling too great either and it really sucks, especially when you go through good times and get hopeful and full recovery (or even mostly recovered) and then a new wave hits and it seems almost as severe as when this whole mess started.

Learning to accept where we are at now and "embracing" it is arguably the hardest thing about PAWS. It is accepting the pain and discomfort and disruption as a catalyst to move forward as opposed to allowing it to dominate our thoughts and produce despondency and further depression. I think as we go through this process and the waves hit bad (and make it seem like it will never end), that we keep living in the past as a result. I still catch myself playing out a scenario of "if I could go back in time, I would go back here just a few weeks before and never take that damn cannabis". But such thoughts and regrets keep us trapped and make us further obsessing about our current condition. The irony? The irony is such thinking actually makes PAWS worse. And yet we still do it.

I am at the point of learning to embrace it. even as I type this message my head has that damn annoying buzz/dizzy/haze quality that shifts and moves in different parts of my head. Thus it is hard to ignore like, say, a swollen toe where I can push it off a lot easier. But this is in my head. So it can't truly be ignored when it is severe, but that doesn't mean I can't accept it. I do accept this. And I pray that on days when I am truly tired or crap happens in life, that I don't allow these uncomfortable sensations to make me wallow in pity or get anxious that the symptoms are still there. I don't want this issue to hold me back. If I have to live with it for the rest of my life, then may the Lord's grace be sufficient. I just don't want to focus on it anymore. Accept the pain and move. In time, I do believe it will get better. Will it completely go away? Well based on this forum, it will. And if I am one of the very few small percentages to break the mold, then I accept it. My life is worth too much and my life is filled with so much to ever stop where I am and live a life of self-pity, emptiness and despair.

But I will remember this moment. I will remember in my brain the severity of what I feel now so when things calm down eventually (even if it takes another couple of months to have relief - or longer!) I will be thankful for that relief, no matter how brief, and again move forward with gratitude.

Everyday I am diligent on saying what I am grateful for. I would gladly take what I am going through now, then being someone who is permanently paralyzed. I would gladly take what I have now, then to be blind. I would gladly take what I have now, then to be mentally retarded. I would gladly take what I have now then to have AIDS or a LEGION of other diseases.

My life is good and I thank God that I am blessed with all that I have.
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