Cannot get over him

Postby Ashleyrn04 » Tue Jun 18, 2019 8:37 pm

2 months ago my fiance left me unexpectedly.
A little background, we met in July 2019, we instantly clicked and I was so excited, I was not looking for anyone and he just seemed to show up at the right time. I didn't want to let my walls down due to past relationships but he won my heart. He lost his job and suddenly disappeared and ghosted me for a month.
He came back apologized and I forgave him,he even gave me his purple heart and bronze star from his days as a marine. His job had him working out of town for weeks but I accepted it. He moved in and in February he proposed,I never pushed or pressured him, we had a wedding date set etc. Then a month before he left he changed he became distant,he hadn't touched me in months because of lack of arousal, I caught him messaging other people but I forgave him. I would drink and get very emotional about how much I was hurting, he got up one morning after a long night of declaring his love for me etc and left saying that I pushed him away.
He has completely erased me from his life like I meant nothing, I recently found out his bronze star and purple heart were fake and everything he told me about his military career was a lie. He was very nasty to me at times and made me feel like I was not good enough and that I needed to change everything, he critized everything.
I know I am better off but I can't stop thinking about him and missing him, I know I am a fool for missing a person who I probably never knew and that lied to me probably the whole time I knew him. I want him to know how much he hurt me and get answers but he won't communicate with me. How can a person do this to another person? What can I do to help myself heal and move on

Please no remarks about how I was crazy to put up with him etc and please don't critized me for still Loving him etc
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Jun 19, 2019 2:58 am

You can help yourself by deliberately pursuing new relationships, i.e. start dating. It may feel uncomfortable or be something you have little interest in currently, but it is a solid approach for multiple reasons.

-1- It will help you refocus, no longer wasting mental resources.
-2- It will help you to recalibrate or adjust your “fake” detector.

You fell in love with a fantasy that he presented. You recognize this now. That is positive. It is something that provides an opportunity for reflection. You can ask, “How did I fall for the fantasy he weaved?”

There is no shame in falling for the fantasy. Plenty of people have this happen. It is common. The only shame is when people don’t learn from it and therefore they fall for a fantasy a 2nd or 3rd time. How does this happen?

They don’t date.

A normal reaction when burned is to avoid dating, to withdraw and turn away from pursuing new relationships. Totally understandable, but it sets the person up to repeat the cycle. The person believes they will never be burned again, that they will be more cautious the next time, but that doesn’t actually work as it doesn’t provide the person the hands on experience gained by actually dating.

To heal and move on, date, date, date some more.
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Postby Livetowin » Tue Jun 25, 2019 1:37 pm

You miss the idea of him, not the actual person he is. And as I stated in my post on a separate thread, he also fits the model of your expectation. So what you're feeling are the old tapes of abandonment, disappointment, and longing that have defined you.

This guy is a total fraud. He used you and moved on. People who come at you with big highs, and incredible lows should be a red flag. These people manipulate you emotionally by building themselves up to make you feel comfortable, even privileged, to be in their company. Then they play the victim card to cater to your softer side so you feel like you have "gotten in" to this "accomplished" person. From there they have you. Its all bullsh*t.

Always remember, a person who cares does not have to sell you on it. Always use your eyes. Actions first, words later. People can say anything, express any emotion, and sell a moment like any other. But what they do is ultimately what defines them. When someone comes at you with OTT expressions and sudden vowels of good will that seem to come from no where... BEWARE. When they come from no where, its because they did. And you should grade them accordingly.
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