uncomfortable asking for things

Postby mute » Thu Aug 08, 2019 6:05 pm

how can I figure out the root cause of this issue?

I feel uncomfortable doing the following things:
asking for a raise or promotion
talking to my boss about an issue im having
or even telling my boss that I quit and the job is not working out for me
also same when talking to girls that I like
I don't think its guilt or fear I just feel discomfort and some kind of block

but I have no problem with the following:
talking to strangers or starting a conversation with random people anywhere
its a common thing for me to walk into neighbor parties and party with a group of people I don't know at all.
or tell the boss what I think when I get pushed too far.
pretty much I have no problem doing what I need to do when im pushed past a certain point..
then I completely change and its like another person takes over and does everything right for me then goes back to hibernation


when I try to ask myself why I cant do any of those things I don't have an answer. I get to a dead end

I want to wake up that person who only responds in emergencies and have him on all the time instead of just randomly showing up when sh** hits the fan.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Aug 08, 2019 7:00 pm

mute wrote:I don't think its guilt or fear I just feel discomfort and some kind of block


It is denial of what you fear, not fear itself.

A man wants to approach a women to ask for a date. He feels discomfort, not fear. He is only considering it, mulling it over. He can see fear in the future, subject to being rejected, but it is not fear he experiences. Fear only will progress from discomfort if and when the man makes his approach.

You avoid the approach, so you never get past discomfort.

Stop avoiding the approach and you will experience fear. It is healthy, natural to fear.
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#2

Postby mute » Thu Aug 08, 2019 10:10 pm

I have to tell my boss that im quitting the job that I just started because its not working out for me and I have been stressing over it for 2 days. I have no idea why.
I get anxiety all the time before I do things and I cant figure out where its coming from

like I try to run through the process in my head and see maybe I can catch the reason I feel so uncomfortable doing it but theres nothing usually...
its like I send a png and nothing gets back just blank....

its like I ask my brain and it slams the door on me
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#3

Postby mute » Thu Aug 08, 2019 10:45 pm

the closest thing i can dig up is feeling inferior to people. not necessarily related to their position
I feel like its something to do with my perceived self worth or social status

I feel like i should naturally be higher status but for some reason have been broken
And now i have a conflict of where i am vs my unrealized potential and im struggling because of that
If this makes any sense
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#4

Postby mute » Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:14 pm

I don't think its fear of rejection.
its connected to something else.

I feel same when trying to talk to my boss and talk to a girl I like
im definitely not experiencing fear of rejection lol


lack of confidence in my communication skills maybe?
I was never very good at talking
im social but not good at speaking lol
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Aug 09, 2019 7:59 pm

At some level it does not matter what it “is”. The solution is the same regardless of the cause. In other words, the search for cause is just a delay, a distraction, an excuse not to take the corrective action.

You can reply that understanding the cause is necessary or you “can’t” take corrective action, but that is an excuse.

Your only solution is to confront the feeling, whatever you wish to label it. When you get the feeling...and you obviously can recognize it when it occurs...the solution is to step up and ask for things, small things that you want. From small things you can gain experience and confidence in pursuing bigger “asks”.

The solution is a type of cognitive behavioral therapy. You start with listing things you want to ask for, such as asking for a day off, asking for a pay raise, telling someone you will quit, asking someone out for coffee, etc.

Some items on the list will be more difficult to ask for than others. Asking for a day off is easier than asking for a raise. Take the two or three items least difficult on your list and deliberately practice those items. This involves mental simulation, rehearsal, and then actually making the ask in a real situation.

After you have made the ask, reflect on the worst thing that happened. Are you physically harmed? No. Are disappointed? Maybe. Point being, you will recognize that nothing earth shattering took place.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.
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#6

Postby mute » Tue Aug 13, 2019 6:20 am

should I seek help of a life coach or a psychologist in this case?
I don't think I can untangle this one effectively by myself like I did few other issues I had
this rabbit hole is close to the source I feel.and been very difficult to understand for me
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Aug 13, 2019 12:14 pm

mute wrote:should I seek help of a life coach or a psychologist in this case?


Should you hire a personal trainer to lose weight and get in shape? You know what actions you must take. Eat healthy and get some exercise. You don’t lack the knowledge. You just don’t want to go to the gym. You just can’t seem to help having that second piece of cake. You don’t understand why you can’t achieve the very simple actions of proper nutrition and exercise. What is the cause of it all? Maybe you should delay, waste more time and pay someone else good money to tell you, “Let me walk around the gym with you and watch you do the work. Let me create a meal plan for you. Let me go shopping at the market with you.”

Sure, personal trainers are an option. It is an industry that provides value to some. There is nothing wrong with hiring a personal trainer. They will not give you a single piece of advice that you did not already know or that you could not have gotten from the Internet. But, it is nice to sometimes have support. It is nice to have another human help with accountability, to outsource keeping you on track, giving you reminders, helping with your motivation.

You are “uncomfortable asking for things”. Create a list of things you want to ask for and then start practicing asking for the smaller things. As you gain confidence in asking for smaller things, then move to bigger things. Practice, practice, practice. That was my previous advice. It is advice that you know is ultimately what you must do, but like diet and exercise you can’t seem to find the courage.

If you go down the path of hiring a life coach or psychologist, they will gladly take your money and ultimately it will get back to the same exercise I have already described. Sure, they may have wasted some of your time having you tell them all about your childhood and they may have even get you convinced that the reason you are uncomfortable asking for things was because of mummy or daddy. You will have a nice narrative crafted to explain why you are uncomfortable and then what will they tell you? That’s right, they will tell you the exact same damn thing I have already told you. If you want to get comfortable asking for things...start asking.

So no, I do not think or encourage you to waste more of your life on hiring a life coach or psychologist. But, I understand if you do. They can take you through a slow, lengthy approach to accomplish the same exercise, getting you to practice asking for things and reflecting on the awful consequences of being told no.

If you do decide to do the life coach/psychologist route, DO NOT hire one online. Do not use a digital, long distance person to help hold you accountable. You will benefit from an actual face to face relationship. That way you have to explain in person why you failed to practice your assigned homework, etc. It will be much more effective.
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#8

Postby Realisingmygoals » Wed Nov 27, 2019 10:33 pm

I Dont agree, if these thnigs are really blocking you in living a better life and your having trouble attacking it yourself.. if you can spend the money without serously debilitating yourself not pay rent etc I'd definatly consider finding a good person to work with

Ive had social anxiety and simmilar issues, and my entire approach to it was basicly just exposure and getting myself to do it for a big part of my life and it never fully got me out.
that definatly doesnt mean that you cant, correct all of that yourself by some strong application and concentrating your focus on achieving the results you want to experience, however..

talking with a person that has skills, knows processes is compassionate so you feel comfortable really digging deep and that can also call you on bs - i think it can do wonders
Help you get clear on what you want, getting clear on whats stopping you and apply processes on overcoming that - and yes itl require you to do things

if you cant seem to do it by yourself - try out a different approach

I also dont think its just get yourself to do it through a kind of progressive desensitation.
in some cases theres some hard beliefs to unwire ,new much better attitudes to adopt , skills to develop, and undo some unconscious unhelpfull things that keep you stranded

Also itl help you hone in on what exactly and how exactly much quicker, faster and more elegantly - to me thats more then worth the investment. A combination of hypnotherapy and cognitive behavioural therapy is a really good mix.
Some hypnotherapist seem to only be able to do there regression n change process type of work and not much else
in the case of that combining it with coaching and cbt is a good combination.

my 2 cents
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#9

Postby KenEmpowered » Tue Dec 03, 2019 4:18 am

Hi, I'm a Mindset & Development Coach. I'll give some things that may help, but keep in mind every person is unique. I'd recommend reaching out to a coach where possible - but even that can be hit or miss. The best answers depend on knowing you more personally (your history, upbringing, family life, childhood, any traumas, school environment, etc.) but the more general answers I provide below will still be a good start:

1. Commit to a Growth Mindset. If you believe in a fixed mindset (what you are when you are born is all you'll ever be) then you won't change. If you learn to *truly* accept that anyone can grow (which is true), then where you CURRENTLY are will matter less and less. It is only where you go from here, how you learn.

2. Set small personal goals. Is it lifting a 20 lb weight? Is it going to the gym 3 days a week? Is it running 4 miles? Is it even doing one pushup? All of those are great goals. Now remind yourself that those goals are not what you're currently doing. That there is a version of you that chooses not to accomplish those goals. And then commit to executing on those goals. The moment you finish a goal, feel the exhilaration or excitement that you just did something for yourself, and that you grew from it. Even if it was painful or exhausting at first. Celebrate it, bask in your growth. And internalize this part of you as part of your identity. This will slowly build confidence.

3. Understand that other people that you talk to are often anxious as well, or have their own personal struggles. Instead of over-focusing on your own self, try to empathize and be curious about what other people are thinking. Ask questions and seek to listen to them. You'll grow more confidence as they speak to you, and also start to understand that everyone has struggles. People will like you if you choose to listen and empathize with them - you can practice on strangers or even friends you don't reach out to enough.

These are just a few places to start. Take it step by step. Let me know if you have any questions

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