Wife is a different person after her hysterectomy

#15

Postby Opinion » Fri Mar 22, 2019 7:37 pm

@Stephmichel67235 - I just read your post, and I am curious to know when you had your hysterectomy? The full after affects of this damaging surgery is not apparent until many months to a couple of years later. If you are only a couple of weeks or months out, then you have not yet experienced the full anatomical and skeletal changes that occur when the Uterus is removed. Evidence of my spine compressing started 12 to 18 months post-op. If you are so "happy" and have no regrets, then why are you "searching" the web for topics such as this one???
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#16

Postby FlyBy96 » Fri Nov 29, 2019 10:24 pm

Reading this, it describes my situation so well it’s almost like I wrote it... My wife also had a partial hysterectomy back in May when they found adenocarcinoma in her cervix... She’s dropped over 40 pounds in 6 weeks, says she doesn’t love me anymore and is very irritable...

In fact, her whole personality has changed. She questions every decision she’s made in life, is suddenly interested in smoking marijuana and has deleted myself and all of my family and friends from social media despite how much she adored them just a month ago.

It took about 4-5 months after the surgery before the hormone deficiency kicked in, but before it did, we were literally as happy as we’d ever been. We even have a house being built that she was so excited about that we’re now letting go... Everything we have together and worked for is coming to an end all because of this horrific surgery.

I believe the best remedy is hormonal and emotional therapy, but I cannot convince her to do either and know that even with those, she still won’t be 100% herself mentally/emotionally again... I really believe the doctors should have been more open and honest with us about the permanent consequences of this surgery, especially since she was just age 35 and was in her peak hormonally.

I feel like the woman I know and love has died and gone away and her body is occupied by someone else. She is far from the charismatic, fun, loving person I fell for, but I still love her and am doing everything I can to stand by her side. It’s been a month since her personality changed and I miss her so much it physically hurts.
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#17

Postby Opinion » Sat Nov 30, 2019 12:57 am

@ FlyBy96 - I am beyond heart broken for you. I personally know all too well what happens when a woman has a hysterectomy, as I had one at the young age of 33, and am now almost 10 years post op. I am also very sorry that you and your wife were not warned before hand of the horrific consequences of having this surgery done. Sadly, this is all too common with these Gynecologysts. They are not honest with women about the horrific side effects, and many women go into this surgery not knowing the full scope of what will happen afterwards. Forgive me for going into graphic detail, but I just want to help you understand what happens to women who have this done.The cervical canal (cervix) connects the interior of the vagina and the cavity of the body of uterus. If her cervix is removed, then it is no different than a man getting half of his penis cut off. So without a cervix a woman has loss of pressure and stimulation during sex. If a woman gets her uterus removed, then this is also the same affect as a man getting half his penis removed, or loss of his prostate. The loss of a women's uterus creates loss of engorgement, and orgasmic contraction during sex. The removal of a woman's uterus and cervix is considered a full hysterectomy. If a woman has her ovaries removed than this is considered female castration, and is the same as a man having his testicles removed. If a woman is castrated, she no longer has testosterone in her body, and as a result has no sex drive. These are VERY important sex organs that a woman needs her entire life. Without these important hormone producing organs, a woman is left in a broken body, that cannot function properly. Again, my apologies for being so graphic in my detail, but people have to be educated and understand just how awful and serious this is. Also, when the uterus is removed and the powerful uterine ligaments are cut, the entire torso collapses within 18 to 24 months post op, which causes the ribs to slowly descend and rest on the hips. There is no longer a buffer between the ribs and hips known as the waist. For me personally, this has caused chronic hip, back and neck pain, as I no longer have my uterus supporting my skeletal structure and spine. This side affect was never told to me, and it has been brutal! You and your wife should contact Norah at the HERS (Hysterectomy Education Resource Services) foundation, she will be able to counsel you both. Also, please google "Skeletal and anatomical changes after Hysterectomy" It is a excellent article by Hormones Matter. There is another article titled "Hysterectomy bad for the Heart and More" by Hormones Matter this is also very informative. Again, my sincere sympathy for what you and your wife are going through. Hysterectomy has not only devastating effects on women, but on Men and their families as well. You sound like a nice man really loves his wife, and it absolutely infuriates me that you both were not warned before hand of these horrific side affects. I am so sorry for what you are going through. May God Bless you both during this very difficult time.
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#18

Postby FlyBy96 » Sun Dec 01, 2019 7:45 am

@ Opinion - Thank you for the information, I definitely intend to contact the HERS Foundation.

The more I learn each day, the more saddened I am for my wife and all other women who endure this. I just want a time machine to go back 5 months and undo everything. I want her to feel whole again and loved again, but I have no idea where to start when she continues to push me away and only wants never ending space... Even with the knowledge of hysterectomies that I’m learning now, I can never fully understand how she feels because I’m a man, so it makes it even harder to discuss.

I really wonder how much hormone therapy will bring her personality back if at all... I know our mortgage lender said progesterone made a tremendous difference for her... She neglected to take it the first 6 months after her surgery and says she became the worst version of herself and had a different outlook on just about everything. Only after the doctor lamented that she take it did she recover and realize how awful she’d been without it.

Looking back, the primary hurt/concern for us was that we’d never have our own children (which will always hurt). On the bright side, we knew other women who’d had hysterectomies and they seemed to carry on somewhat normal lives afterward (or so it seemed). The big difference I realize now is that they had this surgery done much later in life.

As you mentioned, this surgery has a dramatic effect on women’s sexuality... While sex is an important part of a marriage and intimacy, I love my wife so deeply that I’d give it up forever just to stay by her side. The last thing I want to think about is her going off alone in this world without receiving the love and care that she needs and deserves. That’s my job and I’m convinced that only God himself could love and care for her more than me. I will do whatever is necessary.

I will be sure to pray for you tonight. I don’t know your whole story, but hope someone is there by your side to love you through it all as I intend to do for my wife.
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#19

Postby Opinion » Mon Dec 02, 2019 7:02 pm

@FlyBy96 - Thank you for your very kind words, and I also appreciate your prayers.

I think you are wise to contact the HERS foundation. Nora has been a huge help for me, and I am sure that she will be able to counsel you and your wife as well.

I can fully relate to wishing that you had a time machine, to undo what has been done to your wife. I had my hysterectomy at the young age of 33, and it was honestly the worst mistake of my life. If I could go back in time and undo this, I would in a heart beat. When you go on the HERS foundation website you can see the side effects that are listed. Personality change is on the list, as well as feeling emotionally empty. What truly upsets me is the fact that women and their husbands are lied to about how this surgery will affect their sex life post op. You cannot remove sex organs and then turn around and tell women that their sex lives will be the same if not better. That is no different then telling someone that you are going to remove their legs, and that they will still be able to walk and run like they did before. It just makes no sense! This surgery is just one big con and money maker for the surgeons and hospitals.

I am also very sorry to hear that this surgery has robbed the possibility for you to have children together....I am very heart broken for you both. I am so sorry. In regards to hormone therapy, Nora from the HERS foundation would be the best one to ask. I have personally not been on any hormone replacement therapy, and I will be 10 years post op next April.

On the HERS foundation site there is a page titled "In My Own Voice." Women have posted videos of their own personal experiences, including Nora Coffey. Women have also submitted letters, and you can read those as well. Your wife is very lucky to have a husband that loves her so much, and is willing to stay by her side. She needs your love and support, and I think you are doing a great job by trying to be as understanding as you can. I hope you were able to read those articles posted by Hormones Matter, per my recommendation. They are incredibly educational, and informative. There is also a video attached at the bottom of the article titled "Skeletal and Anatomical changes after Hysterectomy" that everyone should watch. It really helps to understand just how important a woman's sex organs are, and what happens internally once they are removed.

I will keep you and your wife in prayer, and I hope that you both will be okay. Again, I am so very sorry for what you both are going through.
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#20

Postby FlyBy96 » Mon Dec 02, 2019 9:03 pm

I have reached out to Nora, just waiting for a call back. My wife’s situation is becoming more urgent since mentioning suicidal thoughts, although she claims she’s too big of a coward to do it... The very idea that she feels worthless when everyone has nothing but love for her baffles me. All I want to do is hold her and wipe away her tears. She comes home every night and I’m not supposed to touch, kiss or hold her... My own wife, the love of my life is repulsed by the idea of me embracing her.

Something else I can’t explain is that up until her personality change a month ago, our sex life was actually fantastic, even seemed better than before the surgery. Not to give TMI, but she craved it more and seemed more pleased than ever before. Hearing the testimonies of other women, including what you’ve said seems to make perfect sense, so I cannot explain why my wife’s experience was different.

Appreciate your prayers also, we have an army of people praying now, just waiting to see what God has in store.
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#21

Postby Opinion » Tue Dec 03, 2019 7:44 am

@FlyBy96 - I am VERY concerned about your wife! When you call the HERS foundation, from what I recall, Nora has an emergency option, so you should call back as soon as you can and hit her emergency option, so she knows that the call is urgent.

There is another article by Hormones Matter that is titled "Hysterectomy, Hormones, and Suicide." I would encourage you to look up this article as soon as you can, as it may give you some information to help you understand what is happening with your wife.

I can't explain why there is a temporary increase in sex drive with some women post op. I am assuming your wife still has her ovaries in that case? I don't know if the ovaries try to compensate for what has been lost? When the uterus is removed, the blood supply to the ovaries is compromised, as the ovaries and uterus are meant to work together as a communication/hormone producing system. This is something that would be very important to bring up to Nora as well.

I will keep you and your wife in prayer, and I am glad that you have others praying for her as well. What an absolutely horrible situation you both are in. I am heart broken and very concerned for you both. I hope that your wife is able to get the urgent help that she needs.
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#22

Postby FlyBy96 » Tue Dec 03, 2019 9:11 pm

I did speak with Nora for over 2 hours yesterday, watched the testimonies of other women on her website and read a lot too... Unfortunately, the HERS Foundation seems to be nearly 100% sadness and despair - not much positivity, hope or happiness to offer... While grieving is normal and necessary, there has to be positives to focus on and move towards or the downward spiral inevitably continues.

Nora had a very somber tone in her voice the entire conversation. You have to mix in some happiness if you want to lift someone’s spirits. I think she means well, but I’m not eager to hear any of that again... My wife, even in the state of depression she’s in, isn’t half as bad as what I’m finding at the HERS Foundation, so I almost regret sharing any of that with her.

To be honest, I have mixed feelings on it all now... I’ve been speaking with 3 family members who’ve had hysterectomies (ovaries removed) and while their stories aren’t all glee, they aren’t the negative, downward spiraling despair either (fortunately)... I understand that it affects women differently, so there’s more to consider, I just think being informative, but positive with solutions is the best way to help people in need.

I listen to my wife at length, try to understand and empathize, but have to be strong for her at this time and that means being the positive light she’s looking for.

Philippians 4:6-9 tells us to think in positive things. That doesn’t mean we can’t grieve, just need to come out of this with our heads held up trusting that God has a plan.
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#23

Postby FlyBy96 » Tue Dec 03, 2019 9:18 pm

The other thing is, while I take any mention of suicide seriously, my wife has used it as a weapon in arguments before, so I don’t know what to think... It always hurts to hear her mention it, but last night she was in good spirits and seemed more like the person I know and love. Even so, I’ve taken precautions to ensure it’s not an easy option for her and make sure she knows that she’s loved.
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#24

Postby FlyBy96 » Tue Dec 03, 2019 9:33 pm

Oh, and yes, she does still have her ovaries. I think that’s a positive, at least temporarily since they still function to some degree.
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#25

Postby Opinion » Sat Dec 07, 2019 1:12 am

@FlyBy96 - I am so happy to hear that your wife is doing better. I agree with you that it is important for you to try and be as positive as you can.

Unfortunately, it is hard for many women to be positive about the affects of this surgery, as they are very negative, and there is just no escaping that. Your wife is also very early post op, and has not yet felt the full affect of what happens post op, especially with the gradual collapse of the torso that happens 18 to 24 months after a hysterectomy.

Many of the testimonies that you heard and read on the HERS foundation, are from women who are many years post op from having the surgery. So this does make a big difference, because they have experienced the full affects post op. I was very positive in the beginning and thought things weren't that bad, until years later. Things for me personally have just gotten worse as more time goes by. Your body can't function properly with hormone levels way below what the body needs, and a torso that is collapsed. I am in chronic pain with my back, hips, and neck, so I can't say that there has been anything positive about this surgery, and it is important that the after affects are never minimised. People need to understand just how serious it is.

I do agree with you, that it is important to try to be in good spirits, and just do the best you can with what is. I think it is really good that your wife still has her ovaries, as women who keep their ovaries seem to fair better than those who have had them removed. I hope that she will be okay. God bless you both.
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#26

Postby Imissme » Mon Dec 09, 2019 11:57 pm

I have been living nightmare pretty much from 2012 right to current day with no light a head. Partial removal in 2012 double ectopic pregnancy, removal of both tubes 1 ovary.(had tubal ligation 11/2011 after birth of son) Slight on set of hot flashes and moodiness, hair loss and weight fluctuations, I played it off thinking just getting hormones back on track after having my son. Fast forward to 2015 I went through 4 months of continuous bleeding , jan 2016 have an ablation. Okay I am feeling a little better....sex drive is decreasing a little. I meet my husband...end of 2016. Things are going wonderful...hotflashes still there and raging!! 2017....hemorrhagic cysts occuring on my remaining ovary. Fibroids developing....excruciating pain. This happens off and on for months. 5/2017 hysterectomy and oophorectomy. HRT (estrogen) as soon as I wake up....healing time right? Well 3 months later back at gyn cuz my now fiancee isn't happy that my sex drive hasn't bounced back. I explain to him and my gyn explains I just had major surgery...and my body is going through major changes. It's not( I am not going to be the same) Weight gain, depression and ever so angry other half....i already feel awful about my body he's now pissed because I dont want to have sex. January 2018 after discussing the ungodly hugeness of my breasts since the hrt...going from 36c to a 38E my body was aching my neck hurt my god damn teeth hurt!! I chose to have a reduction. Fat lot of good that did...i about died hours after I left hospital had to be opened back up and have 2 cups of free floating blood and serous fluid removed and drains put in. Lots of healing time there!! And I then had 7 months of intense mental health help just to deal with it. Def no sex drive, I am a damn mess. August 2018 He now tells me Its called maintainence sex, I should lool it up.(mind you I am the only on working at this time) a kid in college and a kid in kindergarten. Neither his. It's now October 2018 he presents as a R sided stroke....hospitals all the test imaginable. HE HAS MS!!! Will never be able to work again...life is offically harder. Life goes haywire he becomes angry and abuses his medication. I have him removed from home....after 2.5 months of therapy and udt's(urine drug tests) i allow him home. June 2019 we get married, Now comes more and more of the I need to be understanding of his intimacy needs. He grabs my still sore breasts and grabs me, mind you I know its all in the manor of trying to make me want to have sex...I'm tired and stressed!! Drs appointments for him often and for me...i am now severely anemic and have a bleeding disorder. Then comes the being told I dont care about him its my fault he's gained weight. It's my fault I had the surgery that set everything on the downward spiral. It's 95% of the reason everything is wrong. Tells me "you're okay with me beating my **** to porn, you're a cold mean nasty bitch!"
Now mind you I work over 50 hrs a week, come home and do all the wife stuff as well as all the mom stuff. My son is 8. Last night my son heard him tell me "this relationship really sucks" I am lost!!! I am expected to have sex with him...to want to have sex with him. I will not lie. I DO NOT WANT TO!! He has made me feel an inch tall and worthless. He keeps telling me this is my fault.
What do I do? Anyone?
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#27

Postby Opinion » Thu Dec 12, 2019 1:04 am

@Imissme - I am incredibly sorry to hear what you are going through, and I hope you do not take offence to my bluntness....but your marriage does not sound like a healthy one. Your husband does not understand the major post op affects of having a hysterectomy with oophorectomy. Having your ovaries removed (oophorectomy) is the equivalent to a man having his testicles surgically removed, and the result is NO sex drive.

My advice would be for you to contact the HERS foundation, and speak to Nora Coffey. You are in desperate need of some counselling, and I also think that you really need to educate your husband on what happens to a woman after having this surgery. He needs to understand that if he had half of his penis surgically removed along with his testicles, that he would not want to have sex either. That is the male equivalent to what you have had done. Please read my previous posts to FlyBy96, I go into specific detail of what happens to women who have a hysterectomy as well as what happens when a woman has a oophorectomy along with a hysterectomy. I was also very specific about what the male equivalent would be. If your husband is willing, please have him read my posts with FlyBy96 as well.

Education is of the utmost importance with the after affects of this surgery! People don't understand why a woman shuts down sexually, until they are educated on how the removal of sex organs completely disrupts the normal function of the body. Hormones play a HUGE role in how our entire body functions, and this is also taken away when our sex organs are removed, as they are our hormone producing organs.

I hope that this helps, and I hope you are able to get the counselling that you need. Again, I am incredibly sorry to hear of your health issues, and the problems this surgery has caused. I wish you the very best going forward. God Bless!
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#28

Postby Imissme » Thu Dec 12, 2019 1:32 am

❤ thank you
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#29

Postby FlyBy96 » Sat Dec 14, 2019 8:23 am

Imissme,

So sorry to hear about your situation... I love my wife so much that I would’ve taken her for the rest of my life (sex or not)... I don’t say that lightly, sex is an important part of every relationship, so it’s not fair that you’ve had to give up your sex drive. Even so, true love supersedes and understands. At the same time, I’ve done lots of things that please my wife that I get nothing out of other than the satisfaction of pleasing her, so you should definitely be willing to please your man and understand that it is very difficult for a man to go without indefinitely (we aren’t like women)... Again, I apologize that you no longer have the same sex drive, but I should imagine some pleasure is still possible. Any man that still has his manhood will expect something sexual, so it’s worth your effort and it will probably help curb his attitude.

Opinion,

Unfortunately, I might’ve been better off if my wife’s sex drive had shored up a bit. It got so out of hand that I found out last Saturday that she’s been cheating on me with more than one guy all while telling me she needs space... Lots of revealing things I’ve found on her phone (way more than I can mention) that amount to a husband who deserves better after 14 1/2 years of loving her unconditionally... I’m not sure if this can be attributed to the partial hysterectomy, but I’m done with 2019. God bless you for your kind words and willingness to reach out to people on here. Assuming you’re a praying woman, my wife and I could really use it... Although we will go our separate ways, I will never stop loving her and still worry about her wellbeing.
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