Best friend.

Postby No0ne » Mon Dec 23, 2019 10:23 pm

I have a best friend. We been friends few years now. At first we were very close. We both were happy being with each other, we almost spend every day together. I really was amaze what beautiful person she was. She was generous, comforting, funny. I could easily understand her. We share everything with each other.

She had few hard relationships, but I was there for her. I tried to help her. I wanted her to be happy. But sometimes I felt like I was only one who is trying to support her in life. But I was okay by myself most of the times, I was used to being alone, so I didn't make a big problem of that.

But somehow recently we started to fight a lot. She found a boyfriend, I though she will finally be happy and I thought that would help our friendship, because is easier to share happiness, when u are happy in your life. But she doesn't look happy anymore with me. And when she is with him, she becomes like another person, she doesn't treat me like she does when we are together. She is all stressed(she always was, but it didn't seem to being effecting her that much). Like I mention before, we started to fight a lot, we don't agree on simple stuff like what should we eat and we become grumpy at those times, so we can't enjoy each other company. We don't talk about it, we pretend that it didn't happened.

It bothers me. I want everything to be okay, but I don't know how to talk with her. What to say her. How to make everything okay. We never had any big problems with each other. So It's hard for me to deal with things like this.

I want some suggestions, how to maybe understand her better or how to make everything fine again.

Thanks for all answers!
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#1

Postby calvinTO » Tue Dec 24, 2019 2:31 am

I've been in this scenario and it's hard.

I won't get into what I've done, as I find that every experience is so unique that it won't likely help. I could say that you could sit down with her and have a non-threatening, gentle talk, and that'a a good thing to do, though it's difficult.

What I have found is that people grow apart, even best friends. It sounds like she is at a new stage in her life, one that demands a lot of attention that she may now not be able to share with you, even though she may want to. Perhaps her pushing you away is a result of her wanting to establish this new relationship and to keep that her focus.

Sometimes it's all one can do but to sit back and watch things unfold, to be available to your friend and make it know that you are, but that until such time as she may again seek you out that you will be moving on and living your life.

Change is hard, even when it may mean better things. Focus on your needs and practice self-care. You're worth it.
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#2

Postby Candid » Tue Dec 24, 2019 7:44 am

No0ne wrote:when she is with him, she becomes like another person, she doesn't treat me like she does when we are together. She is all stressed...


Sounds like she's got mixed up with a bad egg, and it's he who's trying to push you off the scene. If that's true, all you can do is wait it out. Subtle reminders of your best times together may get her questioning whether she's changed for the worse. Be consistent, be you, and I hope she'll come around.
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#3

Postby No0ne » Sat Dec 28, 2019 7:38 pm

Candid wrote:
No0ne wrote:when she is with him, she becomes like another person, she doesn't treat me like she does when we are together. She is all stressed...


Sounds like she's got mixed up with a bad egg, and it's he who's trying to push you off the scene. If that's true, all you can do is wait it out. Subtle reminders of your best times together may get her questioning whether she's changed for the worse. Be consistent, be you, and I hope she'll come around.


Thanks for the answer. I never thought of just waiting and letting things go by flow. Maybe it is a best I can do for now.
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#4

Postby No0ne » Thu Jan 02, 2020 6:16 pm

Soo she started a fight. She told me that I'm really different and she doesn't know how to communicate with me anymore. She told me that I always judge her for her actions and I always teach her how she should live.

I do try to change her mind sometimes. Like stopping smoking, because she uses medicine, that is not okay with smoking. And things like these, which really is not good for her. But she said she wants to do wrong things and understand by herself that those things are wrong. She says that she doesn't need help.

I struggled with a lot of mental health problems and I found how to help myself just by myself, but I always wanted help, just never asked for it. And I feel like I should try to help others as well, as I wanted to get help. So I just communicate with her as I would like to someone to be with me.

I agreed to stop helping and teaching her how to live, but I'm not sure if I just want to see how she just do all these wrong things and destroy her life.
But she is truly blinded by "love" and she doesn't care about what things she do in life and how that affects her.

I don't know what to do.
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#5

Postby Livetowin » Fri Jan 03, 2020 12:33 pm

I think there's a five hundred pound elephant in the room you've been ignoring... What kind of relationship are you seeking with this girl? I ask because your sense of investment seems to stretch into the territory of someone wanting allot more than a buddy to hang out with.

Your initial description really painted a picture of two people together connecting on all cylinders. So why did she go out and find a boyfriend when there was so much harmony and good will between the two of you? Was this a topic the two of you ever addressed? Because you seem to be residing in how the two of you started out and she seems to have evolved from that.

I think its worth saying that you need to be careful when the bonding process comes about quickly and more importantly from matters concerning other failed relationships. People tend to be conflicted emotionally during moments of rejection and adhere themselves to whatever is around that pulls them out of that mood. In short, comparing battle wounds as the basis for bonding often has a expiration date on it.

You were there to build her up and make her feel better about herself. But in doing that, it seems you became more caregiver than a person who organically arrived at that process honestly. I think you liked the idea of someone being receptive to your ideas and that attention helped her as well. But somewhere in that process, she defined who you were going to be in her life without it really being said out loud. So you've been operating under old patterns while she moved on and got a boyfriend.

I think getting the boyfriend was her way of telling you she was stepping outside any suggestions the two of you would grow closer and likely expected you to respond by dialing down your investment. That didn't happen so now she is getting irritated because she didn't want to hurt you with words, but now feels she is being forced to go there to get the message across. That's how it looks based on what you have said.
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#6

Postby Candid » Fri Jan 03, 2020 3:04 pm

I'm inclined to agree.

No0ne, your friend has told you she feels judged. Your role seems to be didactic if not motherly.

No one who's legally adult wants a teacher/mother along in the guise of a friend.

I just communicate with her as I would like to someone to be with me.


But she is not you, and any friend of mine who nagged me about my choices would not be a friend for much longer. If I want advice, I ask for it -- and I choose my counsellors as I see fit.

I'm not sure if I just want to see how she just do all these wrong things and destroy her life.


Real friends do just that, and are always ready to pick up the pieces if necessary. As adults we have to make our own mistakes, don't we?

But she is truly blinded by "love" and she doesn't care about what things she do in life and how that affects her.


That's her business, not yours. The relationship she has with her boyfriend, regardless of how you see it, is what she wants and needs right now. Nothing could be more calculated to make her stick with him than the opposition of someone she used to consider a friend and equal.

"Just waiting and letting things go by flow" is clearly the right way, and you say you had "never thought of" it. You may or may not be able to repair this friendship by being more interested in your own life than you are in hers, but you can learn that it's never a good idea to boss your friends around.
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#7

Postby No0ne » Mon Feb 03, 2020 4:28 pm

We are kinda fine now. We talked a little bit about this problem and that's how it ended. It made me realize how dependant we were on each other.I started to think more about myself and I understood, how I always seeked for her acceptance, but she is not in her best state now, so it wasn't good for me.

I thought about how I was always trying to help her solve her problems, cuz I solved a lot of mine. But it stopped me from growing, because I was too concerned about her.

We were friends for years, but we did change a lot, I hope we will stay friends and I will be always there for her, but I just changed my mind on some things about this friendship
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