Life after addiction

[argo]

Hi guys i am new to this forum and i have been reading your stories to get some relief from my thoughts and anxiety, I had stayed clean & sober form 1989 until 2011 from all substances while i was 29 years old but life became boring so i thought and i started using again, thinking this time it will be different I used opiates,and weed until 2015 and then went to 16 mg of suboxone while still smoking weed lost interest in life isolation became the norm, long story short on January the 7th 2020 after loosing my job due to innapropiate behaviour i quit and i been clean for 5 months today, however the anxiety has taking over my life I do see positive things in me like my wife says I am not angry anymore seem to talk more like a normal human am not sleeping all the time my life has a balance to the way i eat etc, however i am feeling a lot of anxiety specially at night i wake up from it feel like life was better before even though i know it was not maybe i am going through PAWS, something i am learning about now did not know it existed i think weed (shatter) and suboxone warped my mind to the point that i cant get pleasure like normal people do...feels like it will never get better for me like a waste of time staying clean but i know in my heart its the right choice I would love to hear other peoples stories in recovery...

[wakinglife]

Hey Argo,

Thanks for posting. You sound like a person who has a lot of firsthand experience to share. You asked for people's stories, so I'll give you mine:
-Smoked cannabis from 12 to 33 (daily for the last 10 years)
-Drank alcohol (weekly binges)
-Dabbled with party drugs (coke, meth, mdma/ecstasy)
-Used some psychedelics wisely (psilocybin, LSD, mescaline a few times) with the odd period of overuse (LSD frequently for a summer)

Tried to stop (or reduce) cannabis for about 10 years, attempting to use in moderation. Repeated failed attempts.

Finally quit all cannabis in 2006. Coincidentally I broke up with my partner who partied a lot about 6 months before that. The combination of losing most of my party friends (social network) and quitting cannabis led me to being off all substances (except alcohol) until my dad died in 2017. At that time a friend gave me some psilocybin mushrooms to try as part of processing grief. I microdosed those (like 0.1, 0.2 g per day for 3 days in a row, then a couple of days off -- subperceptual for sure) for the month of January 2018. I was honestly paranoid that using any substances might lead me back to cannabis.

After positive experiences with micro, then mini doses of psilocybin (NOT recommending, just sharing my usage story honestly) I looked into psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy. This was largely in order to "guinea pig" test it myself, since I believe my mom has some PTSD from finding my dad's body when he drowned in their hot tub (definitely a traumatic event).

I embarked on getting educated in all things psychedelic (with a primary focus on therapeutic/medical/spiritual use). Next part is just sharing with ZERO RECOMMENDATION for anyone else. This was my own journey.

The psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy was profoundly healing for me. I had a breakthrough experience in which I journeyed to a place in which my heart opened and a golden beam of light shone through me like the sun. I was surrounded by what I can best describe as golden fractal entities (that were actually all one divine presence of which I was an integral part). I wept and had a profound inner sense of knowing (on a cellular/spiritual level) that the entire universe is made of love.

That vision healed a part of me. Since that day in August of 2018 I have tried to keep that ember of truth pulsing in my heart.

For me, cannabis was the substance that was slowly stealing my vitality and passion for life. I loved it, but it did not assist me in my growth towards self-actualization. Today I am still cannabis free. I use psilocybin with reverence and as a sacred medicine.

That is my story. I hope your own path of recovery leads you to the glowing embers of your own inner fire.

WL

[argo]

Than you for sharing wakinglife sounds like you found peace with in yourself, cannabis also stole my vitality i just could not see it at the time it also made me emotionless i know that in order for me to see the light like you did i have to never pick up on a daily basis cause i want so bad to feel human again like i use too Thank You...