self love and self care is hard to learn

Postby mute » Sun May 31, 2020 11:44 pm

I have possibly figured out why I do all the self sabotage and have these bad habits for years.
I never learned to love myself or care for myself or put myself first.

now having to change that I focus on putting myself first and learning the actions with myself in mind I realize how much of my actions revolve around putting others first

I literally think about other people's needs first even when I try to think about my needs my brain pops up with things that other people need...
example: I need something at hardware store I automatically think if someone else needs something from there...

someone also mentioned that self love starts with food which I didn't understand at first
but yesterday I got it
the food is the most basic way you show self love or seld hate(destruction)
by eating unhealthy food then feeling guilty about it
and by avoiding healthy food
you show love and acceptance by choosing to eat healthy food
and when you start listening to yourself your body will tell you what you need. usually by having cravings for certain foods that match your internal state.
so if you are focused on self destruction you crave junk food
after years of self destruction I literally have no part of my brain that has positive and self caring habits. its just empty and I have to start building it from scratch.
constantly focusing on putting myself first, listening to my needs, doing things that improve my self image and confidence.
and constantly reject and block the old habits that came from rejecting myself for so long..

and honestly I cant even trace where it came from
maybe it came from me feeling like an unwanted child when I was 2 or 3 years old and its impossible to trace it back to that instance of where it started.. but I feel like I don't have to find the cause.
I just need to understand that the cause is irrelevant now and does not apply to me today to move on

im hoping that this lasts and I can actually get out of this swamp of negativity


but any advice would still help
maybe articles or links that I can read would be great
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#1

Postby Candid » Mon Jun 01, 2020 7:22 am

mute wrote:you show love and acceptance by choosing to eat healthy food


That's a fact, and it's a very good start.

I feel like I don't have to find the cause.


That's true, too. In fact, finding the cause can make things worse, because it too often leads to family estrangement.

but any advice would still help
maybe articles or links that I can read would be great


https://www.louisehay.com/wisdom-from-l ... lf-esteem/
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#2

Postby mute » Thu Jun 11, 2020 5:45 am

ok now I have a slight problem with rolling back to old thinking
how do I keep the negative thought patterns from returning and taking over again
they seem to creep up slowly almost unnoticed until I found myself again in a negative thinking pattern
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#3

Postby Candid » Thu Jun 11, 2020 8:44 am

Louise Hay's affirmations.

Don't ever criticise yourself. If you find it creeping in, consider something like: "Okay, that could have been done better. I've learned from it now. If that situation arises again I'll..." Then give yourself some kind of reward to reinforce the learning.
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#4

Postby mute » Fri Jun 12, 2020 6:58 am

it crept up slowly. little by little
I have fear that the good things will not last
even thought Im well aware of cycles
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#5

Postby Candid » Sat Jun 13, 2020 6:27 am

Yes, we get to notice them after a while. Also it sounds like you're on your own with it. When I was learning counselling, a lecturer said: "If there's no one there to love you, you have to love yourself."

That's a good thing to keep in mind, when you're on the slippery slope into depression and beating yourself up. If there's no one to jolly you out of it, maybe give yourself a treat such as playing your favourite music while having a warm bath by candlelight.

See, a big factor in these cycles is not caring about yourself. Take the trouble to get good food in and make a meal you're going to enjoy. Stay away from alcohol and junk food.

It's true the good things don't last, but the bad things don't either. Learn to appreciate when you feel good—and when you feel not-so-good remind yourself it won't go on forever.
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#6

Postby mute » Thu Sep 10, 2020 4:41 am

does this kind of change happen in waves or cycles?

i keep getting these flashes of normality where i feel it and then they disappear
then randomly come back and gone again...
i hate it because every time it happens i hope it stays.
it would be nice to have that feeling that my self care and a healthy bit of selfishness are here to stay and i can move on and focus on something else like improving myself further.
but i have to instead bounce between 2 worlds


problem is when the cycle is negative i have no control over my bad eating habits.
im literally fighting myself which is costing me even more self control battery that i already dont have.
so i just let myself eat whatever. but then i gain weight and my self esteem goes down. its like a fn vicious cycle lol

when the selfishness finally appears im like a normal person i do everything right im nicer to others im hustilng doing things and then bam its gone again and im making 10 steps back ....
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#7

Postby mute » Thu Sep 10, 2020 4:43 am

after essentially studying my own behavior going through all these things im starting to notce same behaviors in others and i am shocked at how many people living broken lives without realizing their potential
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#8

Postby Candid » Thu Sep 10, 2020 7:22 am

mute wrote:does this kind of change happen in waves or cycles?


It does for me. It's like a roller coaster: good days, bad days, good days...

I do understand. Survivors of childhood cruelty very often lack the self-discipline it takes to keep on an even keel. Our moods are described as labile. In my case, I often enjoy myself a bit too much during the good times. Then I get tired and cranky (just ask my husband!) and start hating myself for being horrible to him, and before I know it I'm hating myself again.

problem is when the cycle is negative i have no control over my bad eating habits.


You're always the choicemaker, mute. You can make a schedule. You can stick to it. You choose not to. I write these words for myself as much as for you.

when the selfishness finally appears im like a normal person i do everything right im nicer to others im hustilng doing things and then bam its gone again and im making 10 steps back ....


Oh, you call it selfishness? Why not call it self-love? I'm sure that'll feel better.
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#9

Postby Tom Dolton » Mon Oct 12, 2020 3:32 pm

There is one famous esoteric, named Palienko. Once he said that self love is the key to success, i.e. if you don't love yourself truly then you can't be really successful in terms of family life, business etc.
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#10

Postby Shinobi149 » Tue Oct 13, 2020 8:39 am

Very interesting and I agree with what you're saying. I'm new to the forum, thought maybe I could get some opinions and help from others and reading this one really makes a lot of sense for me. Thank you and I hope your journey from here on out is very prosperous.
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#11

Postby Candid » Wed Oct 14, 2020 9:16 am

Welcome to the forum, Shinobi149!
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#12

Postby Chad Capote » Mon Oct 19, 2020 12:26 pm

mute wrote:I literally think about other people's needs first even when I try to think about my needs my brain pops up with things that other people need...


Well, I need some clarification here. Supposing you have a hungry child of yours at home and have a dollar in your pocket that can satisfy its hunger, but somehow you end up feeding another kid who is in hunger, then it's problematic.
But suppose you crave a burger and it is not a necessity for you, and then you end up feeding a child sacrificing your cravings, I say there's nothing wrong with it. In fact, it's a wonderful habit. Humanity lives there.
The first case is a need over a need, here you have to value yourself. the second case is a luxury over someone's need, where the self can take a backstep.
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#13

Postby Chad Capote » Mon Oct 19, 2020 12:28 pm

mute wrote:the food is the most basic way you show self love or seld hate(destruction)
by eating unhealthy food then feeling guilty about it
and by avoiding healthy food
you show love and acceptance by choosing to eat healthy food
and when you start listening to yourself your body will tell you what you need. u


This is one really good perspective and a dimension of self -love, never conceived it this way. Thanks for that
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#14

Postby Chad Capote » Mon Oct 19, 2020 12:32 pm

mute wrote:after years of self destruction I literally have no part of my brain that has positive and self caring habits. its just empty and I have to start building it from scratch.
constantly focusing on putting myself first, listening to my needs, doing things that improve my self image and confidence.
and constantly reject and block the old habits that came from rejecting myself for so long..


I reiterate. Never sacrifice your need. You are as important as the other. But do not get narcissistic and ignorant to a point where self-love overtakes your brain in a manner that luxuries seem to look like necessities. If you can help people in any capacity without sacrificing the self and needs, never hesitate.
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