Asking questions again

Postby Kayteeh » Mon Nov 30, 2020 8:49 am

Sorry Im suppose to ask one member here but because im new the forum doesnt allow me to send a private msg so i guess this is going public lol.

Im posting here to know or get an insight from people who are into psychology here.

so theres a guy whom i met and weve agreed to be in a relationship. he said he would go to my country early next year january or february and will stay like almost 3 months and said that within the stay he will marry me if things go well with us.like legally. so were just new in a relationship not even a week but this guy as days past by, i mean usual days he talks to me like 2x a day in some days once a day and he had an off last friday i was expecting he will be more communicative at least on his off but he talked to me once. or should i say just left me a msg. he talks to me after he wakes up and before he sleeps only. he was a business devt mgr so im trying my best to be understanding coz i know that job is a lot of work than a regular job. he said he was busy cleaning and stuff on his off and bcoz of covid cant hire maid on his off. anyways, since hes not that communicative or available most times i couldnt get much info to get to know him more but he said he was single for 4 years and his last gf betrayed him reason as to why relationship ended. he said he wanted to settle down have a family. we are just new in the relationship, but i wonder, is this guy for real or just playing around? should i be patient and understanding and give him a chance until he gets here or? im feeling frustrated wondering if hes really seriously interested as he claims for even a marriage life with me or is proposal a light thing now

would appreciate any insights and advice. tia and sorry for being a bother here whenever i need answers...
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Nov 30, 2020 12:01 pm

Kayteeh wrote: so theres a guy whom i met and weve agreed to be in a relationship....so were just new in a relationship not even a week


How long have you known this guy? What is his age?

My guess is that he probably does want to settle down, hence he is online searching for women in other countries. And he is developing online relationships with multiple women, not only you.
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#2

Postby Kayteeh » Mon Nov 30, 2020 3:18 pm

Hey! I was really looking forward to ur advice coz ur good at reading ur fellow men lol ur guess was right about the first guy.

Not too long but hes 36 years old.
But he only goes online for some.minutes and thats just when he talks to me. I can see the last time active on his profile so im most likely betting hes maybe doing one at a time.
Ive talked to him just now for like 10/15min. Ive confirmed his priority is work and not family. I dont understand he wants a family and to settle down but his priority is work thats kinda contradicting idea isnt it
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Dec 01, 2020 7:12 pm

I do not understand why you would agree to be in a relationship with someone that is (1) long distance, (2) giving you a few minutes a day, (3) is focused on work.

Focus on where you need to improve.
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#4

Postby Kayteeh » Fri Dec 04, 2020 4:56 am

Im just trying dating apps and ldr relationship...no at first he spends a lot of time then as days pass by the communication becomes less and less...idk if its bcoz of work or he did lose interest already or what..when i asked why he wants to settle down he said that he wants a family but then later on he said that work comes first for him...idk but to me its a contradicting idea...

I know i was trying to understand men to know what i can improve i might be the one who sucks at relationship.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Dec 04, 2020 7:46 am

Kayteeh wrote:...no at first he spends a lot of time then as days pass...


Days? Not weeks, or months? You have agreed to be in a relationship after days? You meet on an app/site, some days later he is saying he will come to your country and you agree to a relationship?

...idk if its bcoz of work or he did lose interest already


Already? Again, another indication that the "relationship" you agreed to has been developing very, very quickly.

I know i was trying to understand men to know what i can improve i might be the one who sucks at relationship.


I do not care if you are great at relationships. We can always learn. We can always improve. The point of the forum should not be to try and analyze what is wrong with every stranger you meet online. What good does that do you? We can guess and speculate about every guy you want to date and why they might suck at relationships, but how does that help you?

Note, I'm not saying there is no value in learning how to evaluate a potential relationship, in learning how to identify "red flags". But the real value is in analyzing yourself, in figuring out how you might improve. One suggestion that seems to jump out is not to agree to a relationship so fast.
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#6

Postby Kayteeh » Fri Dec 04, 2020 11:43 pm

I know its not normal but im just trying a new approach. He will go here coz the company he works will send him here for business its not bcoz he wants to go here personally.

Guess started quickly fading quickly as well.

Sorry tot the psychology section could be for analyzing peoples behavior...i tot analyzing him could help me analyze myself...

I know, alright.
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Dec 05, 2020 12:06 am

Kayteeh wrote:Sorry tot the psychology section could be for analyzing peoples behavior...i tot analyzing him could help me analyze myself...


It is a common and understandable issue. The problem with trying to analyze the behavior of another person, especially via writing, is that you have a paragraph or two of information that is one-sided. It is a snapshot at best. It really is just an exercise in wild speculation.

For example, a person writes to you online and says, "Send me a naked picture." Let's analyze that behavior. We can speculate all we want on the reasons, on the motives behind that behavior but it is just a guess. Maybe:

-1- He thinks you're pretty.
-2- He thinks you are ugly and just wants to see if he can get you to do it.
-3- He wants to see if you are sexually adventurous.
-4- He is with his buddies and they are in a contest to see who can collect more naked pictures.
-5- He is a she.
-6- Some combination of the above, i.e. a person can have multiple motives for the same behavior.
-7- None of the above.

All five people, same behavior but different motivations. See the problem?

Now...why would you send a naked picture? Conversely, why would you refuse to send a naked picture? Those are much easier for you to analyze and a much more profitable use of your time. You can reflect on your behaviors and dig deeper. You can try to understand your thought process and modify your behaviors in the future.

Your behavior: commit to a relationship quickly...why?
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#8

Postby Prycejosh1987 » Mon Dec 14, 2020 4:40 pm

Some people say one thing and then change their minds over time. You have to do what is best and talk to him about your feelings, if serious issues occur, then you need to speak to a couples counsellor/therapist.
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