Woman having an affair with a married woman...

Postby RoxyCookie » Sun Jan 03, 2021 9:10 pm

So... we fell in love suddenly somewhere in 2016. She is married, has a 20 year old son and an emotionally abusive husband. I understood a lot of things - that she cant leave cause there is nowhere for her to go except for her mothers place. That she doesnt want to come out because of her son. That she has to sleep with her husband every 2 weeks cause otherwise he makes her life a living hell. During these years we spent time together as "friends" - he knew she was visiting her best friend weekly - even that caused fights cause "why doesnt she want to stay at home all the time"? Also, he is accustomed to the idea that the woman must do everything around the house and he must just sit there, drink beer and watch TV which pisses me off so much... she lets him treat her like crap and complies with everything. He doesnt even have a job, works day to day wherever he can and he still humiliates her for having a 9 to 5 job that doesnt pay well. Anyway, during these years, I talked to her about this and she slowly made progress. She talked back to him, she didnt let him get away with it so easily. She stopped sleeping with him as often until she didnt sleep with him at all - about 1 year now. Last week he gave her an ultimatum - she either sleeps with him or he kicks her out - the house they live in belongs to his family. She talked to her mother about it and her mother agrees with him (she's old and has a very strict mindset - the same as his). Now she considered leaving him and go to her moms but she knows that she wouldnt be ok there. So she agreed with his ultimatum. Im depressed for a few years now because of this, I dont enjoy life and friends anymore.
So now I'm left devastated and I told her that I can't go on like this again and that I should get out of the way. She doesnt want to break up but I cant take another day of wondering if she is sleeping with him or not, regardless that she does it as an act. There is no future for us since she doesnt want to leave him. How can I be ok with moving on? What can I do to make this pain go easier? Thank you
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Jan 03, 2021 10:54 pm

RoxyCookie wrote: There is no future for us since she doesnt want to leave him. How can I be ok with moving on? What can I do to make this pain go easier? Thank you

We all make mistakes and we can't change the past. But we don't have to continue making mistakes into the future. We don't have to keep repeating the same errors.

In 2016 she said she wasn't going to leave. She continues to confirm she isn't going to leave. You can be okay with moving on by acknowledging your mistakes and ending the relationship. You then go find yourself someone that is not married. And you make it easier by fully disengaging from the relationship and become engaged in finding a new, healthy relationship.

(Note "goal disengagement" is research that supports getting over the pain by engaging in a new goal of equal or greater value.)

In non-research terms, it is getting back up when you are knocked down.

The way you don't move on is by staying in a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship with a married woman.

Edit: And if she dangles the idea that she might consider leaving, don't accept it. It has been 4 years. You two have had plenty of time to negotiate the realities of her leaving or not. She isn't leaving.
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