Maybe I need to be stoned (or get stoned)

Postby Mystic323 » Fri Oct 28, 2016 1:54 am

Hi, Im the youngest of 4 siblings. Two sisters, one brother, parents are deceased.

Im Married with two children, a son 15 and daughter soon to be 20.

My sisters and brother never had kids. They were all teachers but retired. Over the years my sisters have been very involved with my kids. They seem to "favor" our daughter over our son seemingly because our daughter needs the help whereas our son does well in school.

One sister lets call her (1) IMO, is very conniving and manipulative. Although she claims she is always the victim, she does things like constantly late, always changes other people's plans to the point where at our father's funeral, she had to say what car went first in the procession.

She claims she only does good and will never admit that she has done anything wrong.

She used to show up hours late when my wife would be waiting for her to come to the pool, at which time my wife was ready to leave - no care about other peoples time.

Finally after many years (we've been married for 24 years) my sister and her had it out, in our house. My sister (1) called my wife a "bully". Since then, practically every night in bed, all I get is "Im the bully and Im the bitch" which my wife is not. She has never done anything to bully anyone.

#1 says that "all of us think shes a bully" putting words into the mouths of sister 2, brother and #1's boyfriend. This is not the case.

So this creates discord in our house. My wife criticizes me for not wanting sex. How is anyone supposed to feel sexy in this case? Theres much more to the story but you get the idea.

I don't know what to do. I try to defend my wife, but she doesn't want to give the sisters ammunition "there he goes again getting mad" but if I do nothing, then it festers with us which is also not good.

I actually booked a session with a psychologist, 6 months out! I said, "good thing Im not standing on the bridge!" 6 months to see a pshyc. who will only prescribe PILLS! I dont need PILLS I need suggestions! hence why Im here.

thanks.

... on top of this, Ive got a "God fearin brother" who claims that if I "work" on saturday, I will have to be stoned. He calls himself a Christian. I said I thought only Muslims stone people? Oh no, apparently God said to Moses, that there was some dude gathering wood on a Saturday and they decided that he should surely be stoned.

Oh, I said, so you will stone me this sat since I will be working? "oh no he says, they were only talking about this specific dude that was gathering wood.

Oh I said, "so some rules only apply to some people and others, they dont then? have ai got that right?

its f***ing pathetic. 2016. this is a university educated person who believes in these fairy tales! I asked him, (who does not work) have you got any idea how many saturdays I have worked? Or my wife? I guess we both need to be stoned .. pr maybe get stoned!
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Oct 28, 2016 8:38 am

Mystic323 wrote:...its f***ing pathetic. 2016. this is a university educated person who believes in these fairy tales!


What is so f***ng pathetic? It sounds like both you and your wife need a healthy dose of don't give a rats butt, as nothing you described seems to be all that important in life. Every problem you described I call them, "first world problems". Like the fact one person decides what order cars go in a funeral procession, or that grown adults care if they are called bully. Who the F cares? Really?

Yes, it is 2016 and all over the world people hold all sorts of odd beliefs, even University professors. Go figure. In the year 3016 it will be the same, as it was in the year 3000 bc. That is an actual issue for you, that someone holds what you consider to be an outrageous belief? Instead of it being odd or quirky or funny, you actually interpret it as something that should make you upset?

So which is more pathetic, the adult that calls another person a bully, the adult that is manipulative, or the adults that allow such non-issues to create discord in their marriage?

You don't need to go to a psychologist. You don't need pills. All you need is a healthy dose of perspective. I suggest maybe reading the works of Seneca or Marcus Aurelius. That will maybe help. There is no way these trivial issues should be causing you or your wife such anxiety.
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#2

Postby Mystic323 » Fri Oct 28, 2016 11:42 am

thank you Richard.

If it was just me, I guess it wouldn't bother me as much but since it bothers my wife, it bothers me.

On her side of the family, her sister and brothers all have kids. They don't get involved with our kids like my sister(s) do cuz my sisters don't have kids.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Oct 28, 2016 7:05 pm

Mystic323 wrote: If it was just me, I guess it wouldn't bother me as much but since it bothers my wife, it bothers me.


Absolutely terrific! So we have half the problem solved.

When it no longer bothers you, then...then...then you can finally begin to work on it no longer bothering your wife. The obvious problem, the obvious first step....YOU. Once you have learned, then maybe you can try to pass it along to your wife.

Life is short. Enjoy and don't make mountains out of mole hills. We are fortunate to live lives without actual real problems. We are not stoning each other! We are only discussing BS beliefs about some BS belief about some BS of other BS that leads to other BS first world problems.

Relax, enjoy, help others.
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#4

Postby JuliusFawcett » Sun Oct 30, 2016 11:16 am

You can't change the way your wife thinks, you can set a good example of how to live a happy and healthy life and trust that she will follow suit.
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#5

Postby Mystic323 » Wed Nov 02, 2016 7:39 pm

Each night I come home and go to bed not knowing what kind of mood she will be in.
She gets home around 5 p.m. And starts drinking and I think she has 4-5 drinks before bed it helps her to unwind. Also she is in menopause. She gets too hot and cold flashes and I think this has a lot to do with her moods.

She degrades herself saying she is the b**** and the bully, since my sister called her a "bully". Then she starts going on about my family this and my family that.

Last night she even ripped into me saying that I threw her under the bus by going back to my family and reiterating what she said. I felt the only way to resolve the conflict was through communication now she doesn't want me to say anything to them doesn't want me to reiterate anything to our kids or anyone.

To write about it I hardly gives any justice. She gets very angry, emotional and even physical.

How is such a conflict supposed to be resolved with no communication?
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#6

Postby JuliusFawcett » Wed Nov 02, 2016 8:49 pm

Forgiveness, acceptance and gratitude. Just try your best to act with compassion.
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#7

Postby Mystic323 » Wed Nov 02, 2016 9:21 pm

ok thanks
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#8

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Nov 03, 2016 4:54 am

Mystic323 wrote: Last night she even ripped into me saying that I threw her under the bus by going back to my family and reiterating what she said.


And how did you respond? You passively allow that type of behavior in your home and around your children? What role do you play in your relationship? Are you the head of the household or is she?

I know, I know, the politically correct thing is to pretend everything is 50-50 and every person is blah, blah, nauseating. If your wife is acting like a child, if she is "ripping into" you, that behavior stops immediately.

Conversely, you can live a life where you pretend that you are equal, that you pretend you are co-leaders, while indirectly she is actually the one in charge, her ripping into you and you asking strangers in forums, "What do I do, what can I say?"

Take charge! Be the leader or get in line behind your wife and do her bidding.

I felt the only way to resolve the conflict was through communication....How is such a conflict supposed to be resolved with no communication?


Verbal communication is not the only way. There is also action. One thing that gets so many couples into trouble is complacency, being too comfortable. When there is no fear another person will leave, when that card is off the table, a person can do whatever they like. When action is removed it leaves, "let's talk", "let's talk some more", "still a problem, well I guess we can talk". That is not how the world operates, neither should your household.

You need to take care of your wife. The best thing for her is to have a strong partner in her life that tells her in no uncertain terms what is or is not acceptable behavior. Ripping into you is totally unacceptable as is this self loathing crap. It is not healthy for her, it is not healthy for you or the family. You tell her to get her head straight and start making better choices, or there will be consequences up to and including the end of the relationship.

I love how so many relationship problems exist, because we have handicapped people into believing that there is no head of the household.
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#9

Postby Mystic323 » Thu Nov 03, 2016 1:31 pm

Makes sense Richard. I have told her many times, "theres the door". I'll call the agent in the morning sell the house and we carry on cuz this can't work like this" She fears leaving because of finances. No we don't take this in front of the kids. Our daughter left home last summer at 19 (and not a very mature 19) and our son, 16, is not privy to this.

The only excuse I make for my wife is menopause. I keep sayin to myself, its not her, it's the chemical composition of her at the moment. The day after, usually shes fine.

I keep reminding myself, Im glad Im not a woman.
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#10

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Nov 03, 2016 1:44 pm

Mystic323 wrote:The only excuse I make for my wife is menopause. I keep sayin to myself, its not her, it's the chemical composition of her at the moment.


You are exactly right, you make an excuse. I understand women go through monthly cycles and one day go through menopause. We all go through physiological changes at different times in life. Puberty? That is a big one for both genders. We do the same as we get older, explaining away behaviors of the elderly. While all of these physiological changes are legitimate, it does not grant anyone a license, it isn't an excuse to allow unacceptable behavior.

There was another thread recently where a guy was asking how to deal with his gf during menstration as every month she effectively ripped into him. I gave him the same advice, that menstration is not a license. She doesn't treat her boss or coworkers bad every month, why? Because there are harsh consequences. Her boss will fire her, her coworkers won't stand for such BS as certainly many of her coworkers also deal with menstration.

Women are still in the workforce when going through menopause. It does not give them a license to act out or to have unacceptable behavior. They don't get to rip into anyone.

You are no different. You respect her, she respects you, end of story. If she can't, you need to handle it, up to and including selling the house and ending the relationship if you must. Definitely not a first step IMO, but it must be on the table.
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#11

Postby Mystic323 » Thu Nov 03, 2016 3:17 pm

"not a licence" I like that! Thanks Richard. If I use it, I will quote you ok?
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