Females initiating threesomes

Postby Gardena2016 » Wed Nov 02, 2016 12:01 am

I'm so confused today and need help sorting out my depression and anxiety. I'm an attractive female and most commonly described as "sexy." I'm in my early 40s and I have been married 10 plus years and have children. We have a great marriage and a lot of fun but only with each other. In recent years, I would say I have had a couple girlfriends come on to me and try to initiate 3 sums. Just recently, I was so drunk I almost gave in but luckily came to my senses and did not. Usually involves a single or divorced friend coming over and hanging out. I've decided not to associate myself anymore with thus type of activity and not drink so much. My husband thinks it's funny and almost tries to get it to happen but I'm not sure what he would do. I don't want this but this has happened my whole life and I'm blaming myself. Today I feel bad for drinking too much and I just don't want females behaving like this. I feel they are trying to ruin my marriage or have what's mine. I cannot let my guard down. Any insight?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Nov 02, 2016 5:26 am

Gardena2016 wrote:... and I just don't want females behaving like this. ...Any insight?


Sure. Where do you live? In what line of work are you and/or your husband? What hobbies do you share?

The reason I am asking, is because females DON'T behave like this outside of some very specific subcultures. For instance, you will find a lot less females trying to initiate threesomes in Salt Lake City, than you will if you live in San Francisco. You will find a lot less females trying to initiate threesomes if you are in a small rural community and you are a farmer, than if you live in Las Vegas and you run a tattoo shop. A lot less females will initiate threesomes at the local Church than at the local motorcycle club.
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#2

Postby Gardena2016 » Wed Nov 02, 2016 6:43 am

You are very right about when and where this is happening. I live in surburia and have a very professional career. We don't go out and usually just have a lot of parties at our house. This has happened by 3 female friends in 2 years. Two of the friends just made a lot of jokes about how attractive they think I am and would "do me" and one friend actually came on to me. I believe my husband initiates a lot of it and I've told him to stop but when I'm drinking I'm more loose, of course. The common theme is that these friends are getting divorced or inbetween relationships and they come over to hang out and after some drinks, the flirty behavior starts. I feel sad that women I particularly just want to party with and cut loose with want to climb in bed. I'm not even sure who they are attracted too. Me or my husband or both? I truly believe they want to sabotage my marriage. I'm still in shock over the last one who said she was upset about her recent relationship and wanted to hang out after other people left. I let her flirt with me. I wouldn't have acted on it because I know it would kill my marriage and I'm not willing to take that risk. I feel I always have the "problem" women as my friends and I need to fix that. I know I couldn't handle the aftermath of it. I feel I can't loose control in these circumstances. Not totally sure how I'm attracting this. I try to be nice and include everyone but I need to set boundaries. Right now I'm sad over way to much drinking and letting loose even though nothing happened.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Nov 02, 2016 7:18 am

Gardena2016 wrote:You are very right about when and where this is happening. I live in surburia and have a very professional career. We don't go out and usually just have a lot of parties at our house. This has happened by 3 female friends in 2 years.

I believe my husband initiates a lot of it and I've told him to stop but when I'm drinking I'm more loose, of course. The common theme is that these friends are getting divorced or inbetween relationships and they come over to hang out and after some drinks, the flirty behavior starts.


Where are you meeting these friends? Who is suggesting the party and to invite these friends?

Other than your husband initiating, it is still unclear the subculture that is driving the concept of having a threesome. It sounds like you are blaming the females, but it is your husband that is prompting the idea. But for your husband, these females would not be asking you. But for your husband, you would not be in here posting. There is more to your story.

Think about it another way. What are the odds that 3 random women would independently offer up a threesome in 2 years? It has not happened the decades previous, right? In your late 20's you drank, early 30's no real change, late 30's all is good, now early 40's and all of the sudden in a span of 2 years lighting strikes 3 times in the same location? No. There is more to the story you either are not sharing, you are denying, or simply you really don't know.

I suspect you are being misdirected. I suspect your husband has a bigger role in this than you might realize or want to acknowledge. These are not random women that somehow happen to be invited to a "house party". Deal with whatever issues between you and your husband. Until those issues are resolved, stop having "house parties".

Let me rephrase the title of this thread so you better understand where to focus. "Husband initiating threesomes."
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#4

Postby Gardena2016 » Wed Nov 02, 2016 2:52 pm

The best advice you are giving me is to stop having parties. These are family BBQs. I get irritated by my husband because he was the nerd up until his 40s. I partied in my 20s but never got too out of hand. My husband is more comfortable with female friends his whole life. I've never really felt imitated by it or cared. The struggle in myself is I feel I'm in my sexual prime. Insecure in my 20s, kids and family in my 30s and now my 40s, it's my last decade I feel good, I suppose. The story maybe I'm not telling clearly is trying to let my husband have fun and me not being a prude. He likes to take me to topless beaches or day clubs. (We have done that once). I struggle with that and feel I need to be tipsy. I try to explain to him that it invites attention I really don't want. I was hit on in my 20s also. One particular friend tried and it actually hurt me deeply. The last couple years is because my kids are older and have loosened up. These are moms from my children's school. Not meeting them in weird places. I totally agree with you that my husband would want this to happen but he has no idea what he is saying. For now, I will not have anymore parties that involve me not being in control. If I can be in charge, this stuff doesn't happen. I've told him I don't trust him to protect me. Thanks for helping me sort this out.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Nov 02, 2016 4:11 pm

Gardena2016 wrote: The story maybe I'm not telling clearly is trying to let my husband have fun and me not being a prude. He likes to take me to topless beaches or day clubs.... I totally agree with you that my husband would want this to happen


I'm glad the forum helped a little. Truly, your focus needs to be on your husband, not the women he is encouraging. I'm not saying he is just blatantly obvious or direct, but house parties, how you describe his behaviors and that he would want it to happen is a huge part of the equation. The women are not stupid, they pick up on the signals and behaviors of your husband which makes them comfortable approaching you. When you focus on dealing with your husband things should improve.
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#6

Postby Gardena2016 » Wed Nov 02, 2016 6:25 pm

Thanks, I basically asked him to tone down the flirty overtones with certain female friends. I was so freaked out by what happened recently. I used to go to clubs 20 years ago and when I felt uncomfortable, I just left but now it's a party atmosphere at my house and it has to stop. I don't feel in control if this one individual visits. I had to tell this person to leave. I care too much about my marriage, my reputation, so forth where my husband thinks it's just funny and a freak thing. It wouldn't happen if I wasn't drunk. That I can control. I have found myself getting drunk more because I'm afraid he will think I'm boring. I would rather be boring.
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#7

Postby Roady » Wed Nov 02, 2016 8:48 pm

Gardena2016 wrote:It wouldn't happen if I wasn't drunk. That I can control. I have found myself getting drunk more because I'm afraid he will think I'm boring. I would rather be boring.


Actually I see 2 problems:

1. You have a problem with boundaries according to drinking alcohol.
2. You have a problem with yourself (that is the real problem). You are afraid what he is thinking.
So you need alcohol to make the atmosphere happier, but you just can't be yourself.

You are afraid being boring, but... if you are just boring (if that is what you are when you are not drunk) than the parties are not funny any more. So, problem solved?

Why don't you start working on your self-esteem? It sounds to me that you are dependent of your partner. You want to please him because if you don't do that, you...... (fill out for yourself please)

I think it also would be a great idea to communicate with your partner on certain things.
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#8

Postby Gardena2016 » Thu Nov 03, 2016 6:37 am

Thank you for your response. After a communicating with my husband, we were able to discuss what it is we both want. Basically, I told him I am uncomfortable with these situations and need to avoid them. He believes most recently it was a freaky thing that happened and I personally didn't do anything to invite the attention. He told me he treats everyone the same and offers speciality drinks to be inviting. It doesn't mean be drunk and inappropriate. I rarely see my husband drunk. I get nervous when he wants to do things I'm not used to. Simply topless beaches or skinny dipping. It's something he grew up doing but I was raised to not invite unwanted attention so I usually only let myself have fun in a club or something where could leave if I needed to. More often then not, he finds it fun to skinny dip in our hot tub with whomever wants to. I find it very uncomfortable would rather be in my suit. He will just sit nude in the hottub with my family members or friends but won't do it with his own family. I have told him "do it with your family." My family is a little more fun he says. (This is maybe once a year). I grew up to cover your body from head to toe (fundamental Christian). Now I'm more just comfortable in a bikini. He is rather kinda of the uptight techy guy by day and wants to be fun other times. He is not the guy girls are going to throw themselves on and for the most part I do not mind his tastes but it's strange position to be in when it's a friend of mine, me, and him just sitting in our hottub. Bring a guy a long too. Just trying sort this out what is my deal.
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#9

Postby Roady » Thu Nov 03, 2016 7:28 am

It would be a good thing imo that you know your boundaries and stay on them.
You can't change or force each other, but when there is some healty communication with respect and care for each other, you can create situations where both of you feel comfortable with.
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#10

Postby Betsy90 » Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:44 pm

Yes, a lot of women do that. Especially if they are jealous of your relationship.
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