Can't speak to women i like

Postby Translucent » Fri Nov 04, 2016 10:59 pm

Generally I don't care much for women because i'd rather be celibate until i figure myself out. But anytime a woman professes she likes me or loves me, i start having a crush on her and fantasize about her. But nothing ever happens between us because i start having panic attacks. My heart beats out of control, i can't breathe and can't speak. Then i start feeling guilty because i feel i could have had a good relationship. This really is a huge problem for me because i still have feelings towards girls i hardly knew from over 10 years ago. How can I stop thinking about these women and move on?
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#1

Postby Candid » Sat Nov 05, 2016 11:48 am

Translucent wrote:How can I stop thinking about these women and move on?


I don't think that's your question. Surely it would be better if you were able to talk to women you like?

My suggestion is that you practice talking to people of both genders whether you like them or not. You have hypnotised yourself to believe you're going to clam up, stammer and blush or whatever if you fancy a girl. You can hypnotise yourself to believe you're confident and attractive to girls. Go for it!
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#2

Postby Translucent » Sun Nov 06, 2016 1:54 am

I never understood why any girl or woman would like me. I was always an oddball, shy and powerless, yet women and girls thought i was cute. What is it in men that women are drawn to, looks or otherwise?
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#3

Postby Candid » Sun Nov 06, 2016 9:24 am

Looks are a good start but if you're looking for a life companion, the one you want is the one you can talk to.

If women are attracted to you, why not sit back and let them do the chasing? There's no need to over-think this the way you do.
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#4

Postby Roady » Sun Nov 06, 2016 10:03 am

Translucent wrote:I never understood why any girl or woman would like me.


There you point at your real problem. Your lack of self esteem, self love, worth or how you may call it.
With a low self esteem you don't believe that a girl can love you.
It's easy: if you don't love yourself, don't expect that you believe that somebody else can love you.
You just don't believe it, and you will reject it.
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#5

Postby Introspectah » Tue Nov 08, 2016 12:52 pm

'









Translucent , does the conflict in between the initial statement and the follow-up not appear to be transparant to you?

Generally I don't care much for women because i'd rather be celibate until i figure myself out. But anytime a woman professes she likes me or loves me, i start having a crush on her and fantasize about her.


It seems to me that you are afraid to give in to your sensitive feelings towards a woman so you justify this by means of said argument.

Understandable though.

I find you have right to be afraid in your current position, as you feel intimidated and disempowered by a potent woman's presence.

The origin of this particular friction which habitually arises within you can be traced back to the particular type of relationship you had developed with your mother from early on.


How can I stop thinking about these women and move on?


As legitimate as this question most definitely is---i can tell as i've experienced similar struggles---this inquiry will not lead you to the cause of your internal friction.

There's an internal emptiness at work within, pertaining to your feminine nature, so quite naturally, if you genuinely want to commit your self to identifying the core of the matter, you would have to review the evolution of your bond with your mother.

I suspect, with great reason as i can profoundly relate to your situation, that a rupture in the bond with your mother may be responsible for having formed this instinctual adaptation of yours.
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#6

Postby Translucent » Fri Nov 11, 2016 12:38 am

Introspectah wrote:'









Translucent , does the conflict in between the initial statement and the follow-up not appear to be transparant to you?

Generally I don't care much for women because i'd rather be celibate until i figure myself out. But anytime a woman professes she likes me or loves me, i start having a crush on her and fantasize about her.


It seems to me that you are afraid to give in to your sensitive feelings towards a woman so you justify this by means of said argument.

Understandable though.

I find you have right to be afraid in your current position, as you feel intimidated and disempowered by a potent woman's presence.

The origin of this particular friction which habitually arises within you can be traced back to the particular type of relationship you had developed with your mother from early on.


How can I stop thinking about these women and move on?


As legitimate as this question most definitely is---i can tell as i've experienced similar struggles---this inquiry will not lead you to the cause of your internal friction.

There's an internal emptiness at work within, pertaining to your feminine nature, so quite naturally, if you genuinely want to commit your self to identifying the core of the matter, you would have to review the evolution of your bond with your mother.

I suspect, with great reason as i can profoundly relate to your situation, that a rupture in the bond with your mother may be responsible for having formed this instinctual adaptation of yours.


Thanks for the comment, sorry for the late reply, i've been busy. I can tell you've had experience with this because what you said is very real.

However, my problem is not with my mother but with my father. He's the one who barred me from having any relationships with women. I am very spiritual and he is very materialistic. He's a workaholic. He works all day and drags me along and uses guilt as a means to get whatever he wants from me. And so I feel disempowered completely, and hate myself because I feel guilty all the time. All I ever wanted was to be alone without the pressure, guilt and unpredictability that he puts on me. So I spent a few years alone, and it didn't work out because addiction, depression and anxiety got me, being alone, as I am a social person naturally.

I don't know what to do. I love my dad and he supports me in all things material, but cannot and never did help me spiritually. His personality is toxic to me because whenever someone needs something from me I rarely say no naturally, and he uses this to his advantage and drags me to wherever he feels like going or feels like doing. Therefore I have no control over my life. I resent him for that and always did but whenever I try to discuss these inner feelings, he gets angry and does not listen, a bad combo.

I want to be alone, but I also need partnership. If you have any advice i'd love to hear it.
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#7

Postby Introspectah » Sun Nov 13, 2016 4:03 pm

I don't know what to do. I love my dad and he supports me in all things material, but cannot and never did help me spiritually.


I think that a good move which would definitely pay off, would be to undertake some investigation so as to find out what exactly is causing your dad to behave as such.

A common impression for a child who grows up under the reign of such a heavily controlling father, is to feel as if he doesn't have your best interests in my mind while, as justified as that feeling is, this might not be the case at all, as his genuinely well-meaning intentions might be thwarted by a total lack of clear understanding, sound moral directive and a lack of self-sufficiency on his behalf.

So the reason why he might be so possessive of you might possibly be because he needs your presence around in order to cope with the internal emptiness he feels so hard done by.

I think it's fair to assert that once you would realize that the ulterior motives of his wicked behaviour which is so damn hurtful to you, are nonetheless very benevolent, i think you would begin to see him in a whole other light, which would in turn enable you to start treating your wounds from a whole different, much more clearer perspective.

Apart from that, it might do you good to simply state how miserable he has made you feel throughout the years.
Now i know many children are so tremendously intimated by their parents, father most of the time, that they dare not speak up for themselves, you might be surprised at how compassionate he might turn out to be once you give expression to the sadness and frustration which he has brought about within you.

Though it may be so that you have already tried getting these feelings across to him, to no avail, in which case another approach would evidently be required.


.
Therefore I have no control over my life. I resent him for that and always did but whenever I try to discuss these inner feelings, he gets angry and does not listen, a bad combo.


Right, that's when i come to read this final segment.
I should've taken that into more serious consideration.

I do recognize this behaviour all too well, and dare say with relative certainty that the reason why he reacts so disfavourably to your exposure of true feeling, is because on the one hand he'd be afraid to lose you, or to lose your approval of him; on the other he may be afraid to realize how aweful of a father he is, and might thereby be compelled to brush any complaint off as unwarranted or invalid.

As disagreeable as this sort of behaviour is, if you take a few minutes to attempt to take a view from his perspective, is it not understandable for him to react in such a way when he feels so insecure about his worth as a human being and father?

Maybe he might be painfully aware of his inadequacies as a father and might be doing everything he can and has knowledge of in order to make you feel good or make himself feel good in the midst of treating you.

What if the best intentions have no means to flourish without the right knowledge and guidance, which he so clearly seems to lack?

The sword cuts both ways, my friend, as he's as insecure and miserable as you have been in this relationship.

I empathize whole-heartedly.
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#8

Postby Translucent » Sun Nov 13, 2016 5:21 pm

Thanks Introspectah. My dad, as i type this, is working around the home and I just got done helping him, and this week I work with him on a project (he's a contractor). Even though I told him to find someone else to work with him, he's not finding someone and i'm stuck working with him even though I don't want the money as i'm on disability pension.

I honestly don't think my dad cares at all how i feel and sees me as a tool. If i help him, I suffer because i don't want to be there and don't do the job properly. If i don't help him, I can't relax because i feel he curses me and talks bad about me to others.

As a youth, he would coerce or straight up force me to do whatever he wanted, daily. Whether it was work, go on a hike, go swimming with him, whatever he felt like doing… that's why i have no self-esteem. And he's doing it to this day.

Quite frankly, my dad is pathetic and i feel sorry for him. He doesn't have any friends other than family. People always notice how he's angry all the time. Nobody wants to be around him who doesn't have to. My mom knows all this and she too is getting fed up.

What good can i say about him? He's there, he doesn't drink a lot or do drugs, he just works. He does all the planning on his own then expects everyone to bend over backwards to accomplish his goal. If i say no, he degrades me by saying you have nothing better to do. He judges me like that.

I'm not gonna become a stubborn man and just be cold towards him from now on, although sometimes i feel that's the only way to make him learn. I still don't know how to approach the situation, please help.
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#9

Postby Introspectah » Sun Nov 13, 2016 6:22 pm

Quite frankly, my dad is pathetic and i feel sorry for him. He doesn't have any friends other than family. People always notice how he's angry all the time. Nobody wants to be around him who doesn't have to


So, then, can you blame him, who feels so pathetic and lonesome, to desperately want to bond with his son? cause you'd think that he'd want to be close to you more than anyone he knows.
Granted the way he goes about bonding with you is downright unhealthy and suffocates you, but can you consider that in spite of how damaging his treatment of you is, he genuinely wants to connect with you but simply does not know how?

Do you know how his relationship with his father has went?

I'm not gonna become a stubborn man and just be cold towards him from now on, although sometimes i feel that's the only way to make him learn. I still don't know how to approach the situation, please help.


Trust me, i know how it feels to have been brought up and to continuously live around a father who's utterly blind to the damaging influence he exerts on (y)our emotional well-being.

For years, in vain, i attempted to coerce his eyes to see the light from my perspective, by building up such a concentrated rage of fury within me, which i oftentimes was powerless to prevent from bursting out as instinctually this was my way of giving rise to my profound, suppressed resentment towards and disappointment of him.

Yet as you may realize, although such furious fits may at times be rather effective in getting him to pause for a moment's worth, after all it's not very illuminating for the one who's on the receiving end of such explosive outbursts of rage.

So it took quite some time for me to first of all displace my familiar point of view so as to merge with his, in order to get a better grasp on his ulterior motives and the real underlying reasons that drive his behaviour, and, secondly, i needed to gain more insight into how i feel about it all, and how i wish to be communicating my self assertively in a manner which does not come across as extremely hurtful or offensive to the causer of our pain, in this case your dad.

Based upon the meager resources of information you've provided me with thus far, i find it safe to venture that your dad definitely does mean well, but has in his youth never been educated properly (by example or lesson) on how to properly bond with people, most importantly [his] children and perhaps even women in general, thus his partner(s); including relationships of a less devoted nature.

Above all, what's of key importance in this instance, for you and your dad after all, is that you make use of your imagination to come up with a way in which you can communicate your feelings in such a way as to appeal to your father's heart without allowing him the opportunity to instinctively justify his behaviour.

Oftentimes parents who've went this far astray without probably even realizing the extent to which they have been failing, urgently need an abrupt wake-up call that force them to reconsider their ways entirely or at least partially, to some extent.

The success of this direly necessary act of communication, no matter how small at first, will largely depend on your knowledge of your father's innately benevolent nature (try to recall memories that affirm his benevolence; think of him as once having been a baby. Child pictures might do wonders) and your willingness and commitment to start speaking up for your self.

I know your father has convinced you elsewise, but letting him in on how you really feel towards him (by focusing on how sad he has made you rather than how bad you think he is) will not bring about the end of the world, or the end of your relationship with him.

Of course i cannot be sure of how he'll react to your sudden exposure of real feeling, if you'd dare to do so (but i understand your apprehension), yet to me it does feel as if he will be willing (even if he wouldn't want to show it) or would be forced to develop more compassion for how you've been feeling as a result of his unhealthy treatment of you.

So if you cannot possibly, for the time being, imagine how he could manage to stay fairly composed as you would confront him face-to-face with the pain he's brought about within you, consider alternative ways.

You might, for instance, write a note or a letter, no matter the size,as this would allow him the free space and time alone needed to process his feelings without having to instantly protect his appearance or maintain his reputation against you.

Now this is just a short breakdown of what i think could possibly be achieved in relation to your dad, as the lack of depth or relevance in my feedback largely depends on the scarcity of information provided.

So if you'd really want to find a proper way to amend this burning conflict in between the two of you, but are not at all enthusiastic about any of the alternatives previously mentioned, i could assist you along the way with more pertinent feedback that is more appropriate to and compatible with your personality, his character and the particular sort of dynamic that has been established in between the two of you.

Excuse any generalizations that inevitably had to be made in order to present my views fairly comprehensively and appropriately.
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#10

Postby Translucent » Sun Nov 13, 2016 9:50 pm

I will speak with my dad and mom today about everything. Hopefully we can come to an understanding together because i know neither are cynical. I will tell them i want a car so i can start going to groups and get a social life. Maybe that will be a motivator to work towards something, rather than working because you're forced to.

My parents don't want me living with them for a long time (i moved in with them 2 months ago after about 5 years on my own). So i'm hoping i can find support in the community from people who went through similar struggles as i have. If i find friends who are good influences, and maybe a partner, then i can begin to build my life happily, instead of in bad emotions.
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#11

Postby Roady » Sun Nov 13, 2016 9:52 pm

Try to talk about your low self-esteem.
That's the root problem. If you can fix that, the bad emotions will disappear.
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#12

Postby Translucent » Sun Nov 13, 2016 10:00 pm

It's hard to admit you have low self-esteem but i will. I'll let you guys know how it goes in about an hour. How's your life Roady? I like your sig.
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#13

Postby Translucent » Mon Nov 14, 2016 12:28 am

So i had the discussion with my parents… my mom got visibly upset. She said i'm regressing back to how i acted in my teenage years, blaming them for all my problems. They also agreed that they don't want to have such deep conversations all the time and are tired of it. So i ended the conversation and we had dinner. There's more to it but i'll post more later as i'm really tired right now.
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#14

Postby Roady » Mon Nov 14, 2016 11:32 am

I feel really sorry for you man, as I recognize this situation so badly.
It's a difficult thing you have to go through. I know.
Your mom and dad are believing that they did the education very well.
And.... of course they did! They did what they can for you.
But... you have different needs, they just don't understand. You are a thinker, they are just glad they made it and now have some rest in their life. They don't want to think, because then...... maybe that pain what's deep inside their hearts will come alife. Escaping and covering it is always a very safe but unhealthy solution. You know what I mean?

You're mom was getting upset. Yep, like my respected mom should do.
Actually you don't speak about your father. Maybe she does the talking all the time?
My dad is just like yours if I read your description. Ow man, I have had such a struggle with him, with his fatherhood, my own manhood, struggle with the communication and the most difficult part of it: make myself vulnerable to him.
I met some wonderful people in life, who I can talk with about this struggles. And this helped me a lot!

I am at the point to close this phase forever. I have decided to write out once everything that's on my heart, that has hurt me, everything that I (think I) need to let them know. And then take the step to spoke that out or give them that letter.
And then, for me it's ready. Then I am ready to go wherever I want to go. Have forgiven them and let them free how they want to be. With all love and respect.

Yep my sign, thanks.
I can't deny it: in Christ I found all the love I have missed.
Due to this amazing love I am able to forgive people. And due to it I received my self-esteem.
I truly hope you recognize some of that.

Keep me informated about the process if you please.
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