Sulking behaviour?

Postby Jorainbow » Sun Nov 06, 2016 7:39 am

Morning all! Looking for a little advice and maybe an explanation for my OH behaviour. Example is on a night out for my son's birthday, his girlfriend spotted my partner was in a bit of a mood. I'd noticed this earlier but was ignoring. When I asked him a day later he said 'don't you remember when my mood changed? Someone was sarcastic' I said no and asked him to explain and this is the bit I don't get. Suddenly he couldnt. From telling me there was a specific point suddenly when challenged nothing. And when pushed he swanned off to walk the dog. Is this typical sulking?
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#1

Postby Roady » Sun Nov 06, 2016 10:15 am

Good morning,

It seems to me that your partner is a sensitive person. And also a bit insecure of himself.
His reaction to somebody who was sarcastic to him was: say nothing back and swallow the emotions.

I think it's quiet humbling for your partner to be vulnerable to you when you ask him to express his feelings.
For lots of man it's not easy to humble and be honest about feelings. They sort of think that they have to give up their manhood if they should do that.
Being vulnerable needs space and trust. Pushing is never working.
Give him the space he needs and just show him your love.
Maybe you have to wait for the right time for him to speak about it.
I got the feeling that your partner has a problem inside, so be careful not hurting him which make it worse for him.
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#2

Postby JuliusFawcett » Sun Nov 06, 2016 11:36 am

He chooses not to respond to sarcasm with cheerful forgiveness, only he can do this, he has not had enough of choosing to be moody yet. Everything happens at the perfect time
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#3

Postby Jorainbow » Sun Nov 06, 2016 4:33 pm

Thank you for your comments. I agree there is something going on with him. He can fly off the handle at the smallest thing. There is however a larger issue and whilst I can try and just give him time and space whilst maybe ignoring his behaviour sadly that is something he didn't give me after straying in January. There was a lot of deceit lies and he was even found out once and then went back. Tried to blame me which I said was no reason to go elsewhere but did look at my behaviour as I can be sometimes controlling/suffer from anxiet which I had been open amd honest about. However I chose to work through it with him as long as he talked and gave me time. Which he decided was enough about 6 months later.if I ever mention anything then I get the same response though very angry. I'm suitably confused as the more I think about things the more I think he may be emotionally very unstable. So I can see he may have a problem but it may be something much deeper
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#4

Postby JuliusFawcett » Sun Nov 06, 2016 4:53 pm

It reads like he is trying to emotionally manipulate you through his behaviour. To try make you feel guilty. There is nothing personal in this, it's just a game of power and control. You can forgive him, accept him as he is, or walk away. What's your gut instinct telling you?
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#5

Postby Jorainbow » Sun Nov 06, 2016 5:14 pm

To be honest it changes but in the main it's to walk away and I do get angry that I didnt when he cheated. I look back over the last 12 months and can see how true this is. I did think we were getting somewhere until in august he told a female friend from his home country he wasn't married but didn't think I'd find out. When challenged he said she wasn't important and he'd not spoken to her for years so didn't need to tell her. Ironically it's on his Facebook so he just looked a pratt. But of course I was in the wrong. I'm going to look into counselling to see me through this as I think the more time I invest in my needs the more the big light is getting brighter.
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#6

Postby JuliusFawcett » Sun Nov 06, 2016 5:19 pm

Yes, focus on looking after yourself, he might change, and you can definitely change. Look at all areas of your life, respect yourself more and develop more self respect. Eat healthy, drink healthy, exercise healthy, get a good balance between work, rest and play. You deserve happiness just because you exist.
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#7

Postby Jorainbow » Sun Nov 06, 2016 5:35 pm

Thank you. I'm halfway there -pilates classes start next week, doing a course with work and starting to work on my anxiety (which I have no dobut will ease as this situation does) it's the self belief and standing up for me I need to work on. I earn much more than he does and have good friends and family (while conversely he has none including three children he won't contact) so I have support
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#8

Postby JuliusFawcett » Sun Nov 06, 2016 6:45 pm

I think you have already changed for the better, just celebrate the green shoots growing, nurture them, things are going your way
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#9

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Nov 07, 2016 12:51 am

Jorainbow wrote: I earn much more than he does and have good friends and family (while conversely he has none including three children he won't contact) so I have support


Is there a reason you have not yet ended the relationship? The reason I ask, is the above sounds like a competition, pointing out his vs her. It doesn't sound like a couple working together, sharing resources and support.
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#10

Postby Jorainbow » Mon Nov 07, 2016 4:07 am

Far from it. I have supported him with his career and studying, encouraged him to develop relationships with his familly and children and accepted the mound of debt he brought to the relationship which he hid from me as well as the deceit and lie. I guess I was understan5dably angrily saying I would be ok.
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#11

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Nov 07, 2016 5:00 am

Jorainbow wrote:Far from it. I have supported him with his career and studying, encouraged him to develop relationships with his familly and children and accepted the mound of debt he brought to the relationship which he hid from me as well as the deceit and lie. I guess I was understan5dably angrily saying I would be ok.


Hmmm, let me see if I can rephrase. Your response just adds to my curiosity, why have you not yet ended the relationship? In other words, at what point will you end it? There is the phrase not to beat a dead horse or not to beat one's head against a wall.

In your response you are now describing yourself as a person that has spent all sorts of time/energy on a person trying to help them in way A, B, C, D, E....yet at the same time you post how they have none of those things which you have tried to get them to embrace. Do you continue to beat this horse? Why?
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#12

Postby Jorainbow » Mon Nov 07, 2016 5:55 am

That's the question I ask myself and feell I need to talk through. Why did I not tell him to fling his hook in January when he cheated? Yesterday I told him how I still felt about his lies etc and how it still hurt yet 10 minutes later HE was crying and apologising then started getting cross. Fortunately it didn't get to the sulk and strop phase but only cos I backed down. I am not sure what you mean about not having a b c d etc or am I missing the point? The issue for me is can he look at himself and what he did and help move our relationship forward as I decided to. Or is his behaviour who he is and he can't see its not healthy? I've bed quietly confused since asking this question as it's opened things up again so apologies if I'm a tad all over the place
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#13

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Nov 07, 2016 2:53 pm

Jorainbow wrote: The issue for me is can he look at himself and what he did and help move our relationship forward as I decided to.


You don't yet have enough evidence to answer this question?

That is what interests me, because when I read what you have written the answer seems obvious. I see the answer as a clear "no", he can't look at himself and move your relationship forward in a manner you like. I come to this conclusion, because in one post you clearly outline what you have and he does not and in the next post you explain how you have provided ample support in order to help him "move the relationship" forward.

I ask about beating the dead horse, because you seem to want to continue to invest more time/energy into the relationship hoping that something will change, but how do you expect that to happen? If you just keep repeating your same behaviors, i.e. you don't change what you are doing, then you will continue to get the same results.

A logical question then is to ask how you might change in order to better facilitate your partner changing? However, based on your post about all the different types of support you have provided with little or no change I would think you are beating your head against the wall or at the very least fighting a huge uphill battle that has no clear path to success. What motivates you to continue on such a path?

It seems to me you have not only seriously considered ending the relationship, but the post about how you have a support system that he does not is a clear indicator to me that the relationship is only still together on paper and nothing more.
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#14

Postby Jorainbow » Thu Nov 10, 2016 5:45 am

Thank you for your honest words. I took a step back over the last two days and two instances have led me to make the decision to finally end my marriage. Both involved a complete overreaction firstly to an email received from a council official who had merely been applying regulations to a student exemption. Whether it is correct or not my husband decided she needed to suffer, was racist, she was a stupid thick person and when I asked why he was so angry (calmly) he carried on with such anger and vitriol I just calmly told him I thought his behaviour was unjustified and I was not willing to listen. He didn't like this and went off. This morning we were watching a programme which led to a discussion where he suddenly raised his voice decided that the woman should shut the f up and she had no right to interfere as the aunt as aunts were outdated and meant nothing. I asked what he thought my sister would do if I was neglecting my kids and he said she should keep out. I then asked what his brothers would do if he was beating his first wife up (they live in Romania I've never met them) and he said they would do nothing. And that scared me. Whatever the reason for these attitudes are (which are new to me ) they are not the kind of thing I can tolerate. However difficult there's been too much now.
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