Help: I discovered spy camera pen in my bathroom!

Postby Margarita888 » Sat Nov 19, 2016 9:37 pm

Hello there,
I am dealing with a very serious problem and your help would be much appreciated.
I live in the same house with my husband, my sister and her husband (my brother in law). I recently discovered a spy pen camera (with a usb recorder in it) in our bathroom when I was about to take a shower. We put it on the PC and saw on camera my brother in law which proves it is his own device and he was actually using this pen to spy on me and see me naked.

We were absolutely shocked as we have been leaving together for the past few years and we don’t know where this behaviour starts and where it stops. Is it the first time? Has it happened before? Etc.

My brother in law is quite clever and smart, however at the same time looks quite sensitive and psychologically immature and has a look which sometimes reminds you that of a serial killer or someone psychologically unstable. He has lost his father and he is still pretty mad with him(never forgave him) as because of him the family lost their fortune. After the father’s death, he was on pills for a long time as he had depression. Over the last 4 years that I know him though and till recently he looked almost normal. I have noticed him staring at me sometimes for 1-2 seconds (staring my body) and sometimes I used to feel uncomfortable but I was always thinking I am over reacting so I ignored it, however I used to be very careful in terms of what I was wearing at home so as to not look attractive.

One day, I came back home early and I saw him pleasuring himself but I pretended I didn’t. He thought I might have seen him though and he came to check on me straight away (which I found quite cheeky as he looked normal and not ashamed) and I pretended everything was normal and he did the same like I never saw him. I thought that this was normal (even though I personally don’t approve these kind of stuff but I thought if I would tell my sister she would be hurt and overreact so I did not say anything.) A year ago we found a mobile device (he was hiding it from us) and when we asked him what this is he said, someone lost it and he took it. We thought the right thing would be to take it to the police but he thought he deserved to keep it. We did not like this kind of behaviour and my sister asked him to return it which he did. He would not have told us about it if we haven’t heard the ringtone coming from inside the wardrobe. Sometimes he is hiding food and sweets he buys for himself, as my sister disapproves certain types of food as she is worried about his health. Sometimes my sister and brother in law leave together so that he can give her a lift and he pretends to go to the gym (that’s what he tells her). Instead, he comes home straight away spending hours in front of the PC doing other stuff. It seems like he is lying a lot –that’s my point.

Combining certain types of behaviour together, especially after the spy pen, we (me and my husband) decided to go through his stuff to see whether we would find anything similar as we started worrying about what type of person he is and we did not know how to handle the situation. From the way of his upbringing we could feel empathetic and believe that he might be acting as a silly and immature teenager who just needs to be told off and forced to get back in line after giving him a good scare. We thought perhaps we would have a chat with him and see if there would be a chance to help him if it is an addiction (as everyday he watches porn and pleasures himself –we have proof for that but not sure if that is normal or not at the age of 45 when it happens so often)and/or a psychological issue as at the time we thought it might be the first and only time he used the spy pen camera. Unfortunately, after going through his stuff, we did find out spy camera sunglasses , voice recorders and another camera/video recorder as well as a dvd with my name on it (it was erased already though). We are really shocked and we think that he might be watching us for a long time now and we don’t know when and where this stops.

We feel the right thing to do is to get my sister involved and make her aware. However, we are really facing a dilemma here as we are scared that he might already have found out that we know (and so we don't know if we are “safe”). On the other hand, my sister who is married to him is a lovely person who has no idea what is happening. She has been really struggling in her life to find the right person to spend her life with and now she thinks she has found the perfect guy and revealing something like that would rock her world as she is very sensitive and has no other friends, she is very attached to him, plus she is 40 years old and not like the usual independent women of our society.

She is still quite innocent (like a little girl in some ways) and in a way psychologically immature and I am afraid if she finds out what kind of person sleeps next to her (especially when he has been trying to spy on us and perhaps has videos with her sister naked etc) she might even fall into depression and never be able to trust anyone again, lose her self esteem etc. At the same time my parents live in a small village where everyone knows each other and they would feel devastated and embarrassed if everyone finds out that their daughter is getting a divorce. I am also really concerned about their health as this would make them be in so much pain and worry about their daughter's future. Can you please advise? I am really desperate as I am keeping something so big from my sister. Shall I keep the secret to avoid hurting her and my family and avoid destroying her happiness? But then, do we let her live a lie her whole life. Also, is this an addiction? Can it go even further? How should we handle it? What is the next step if we don’t do anything else. Who knows what else we would find out with a more thorough search through his dozens of usb sticks and hard disks.. Please please help!!
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#1

Postby Marais » Sat Nov 19, 2016 11:15 pm

I think.. the only way to solve this is to have a threesome, possibly forsome together with your sister and brother in law.

On a serious note. No.. ofcourse you should report to your sister, its better for her to be depressed than live in denial.
Who gives a damn what other people will think about divorce. Again, its better that then living in denial whole life. There is a third option ofcourse to just try to speak it out but you probably dont want that.
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#2

Postby Margarita888 » Sat Nov 19, 2016 11:32 pm

Thank you Marais for your response. The first paragraph is out of question. I am not that kind of person. With regards to the serious note, thank you for your opinion. Can you please clarify the third option "speak it out"?what do you mean by that?
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Nov 20, 2016 3:29 am

You are over thinking this.

You found a spy camera that belongs to your brother in law!!!!!

Why are you still in the same house?

Why have you not told your sister and why has your husband not confronted the brother in law?

If I were your husband, you would be packed and moving. I would have taken all the computer equipment and told the brother in law to go f*** himself and to call the police if he likes. I'm sure the police would love to see all the hidden camera footage he has taken.

But he may have a mental problem you say? So what? Just because a person may have a mental issue does not give them license to do whatever. There are consequences up to and including going to jail.

I guess what is odd to me is the under reaction you have as if you are confused. There is nothing confusing here. Your brother in law committed behaviors that are absolutely not acceptable and the consequences for those behaviors should be severe, swift and have consequences where he will not ever consider such behaviors again. It could be jail or divorce, and definitely I would have all his equipment, every last piece of it immediately.
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#4

Postby Margarita888 » Sun Nov 20, 2016 6:34 pm

Thank you Richard for your response. We have actually thought all of the above, however it is sometimes easier to do what you advised (which in a way sounds like the absolutely right and logical thing to do)when such things are happening to someone else and not ourselves. There are unfortunately many things to take into account though when it comes to real life, including practicalities which have to do with other peoples' lives, including ourselves as well as jobs, studies, houses, mortgages, or other commitments, etc. I do appreciate your approach and thank you again for the response but in reality sometimes it is easier said that done..

The question is , do people deserve a second chance before seeing their lives getting completely ruined. In other words should we speak to him, tell him off and demand to get everything that he possesses and try to get him psychological help if it is a mental illness which could perhaps be cured like any other addiction (e.g.alcohol, drugs, sexual addictions, etc.)(making him understand though that we have already got in touch with a lawyer and can go to the police any time if he is not willing to cooperate etc.) or do we straight ahead ruining his life by humiliating him like we would do with a completely stranger. We have known him for years, he otherwise makes my sister happy, we know his family, relatives and people who we appreciate and have close relationships with and even himself-my brother in law also- before finding out what is happening he did look like an absolutely perfect, caring, lovely person. So, it is not that easy as it might sound. It is not a movie, it is our life. I would have probably said exactly the safe if it was someone else's case but it's not. We did find out about the camera by accident and all the rest because we did have to go through his stuff..Otherwise we would have never known. Not that this would be better. But then this makes me think that after all how many people out there are respectful businessmen with families and have serious problems and addictions or cheat their wives/husbands that we/they never find out because they are lucky or because the family is coping with it and at least-initially-try to help their beloved ones deal with their problem before going to drastic solutions? I am not saying this is the way it should be or that it is right to take this secret to my grave and don't do anything about it or even worse that any of these behaviours are acceptable. Hell no! My only question is? Do people deserve a second chance?
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#5

Postby Marais » Sun Nov 20, 2016 10:42 pm

What i mean with third option is talk about it with your brother in law. You probably dont want to live in the same house anymore but maybe you could talk with him and get him some help without him going to prison or whatver.
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#6

Postby laureat » Sun Nov 20, 2016 11:29 pm

you should not feel sorry/guilty about this guy

you have to tell your sister about it, and this is not about humiliating someone, but there are questions about it,

you talking about giving second chance, that depends on you guys and if he is willing to change? but before that you still have to let your sister know about it
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Nov 21, 2016 4:26 pm

Margarita888 wrote: ...or do we straight ahead ruining his life by humiliating him like we would do with a completely stranger.


YOU are not ruining his life, he is ruining his own life by his behaviors. All you are doing is coming up with reasons to further enable his behavior. You are explaining things away, that you don't want to do XYZ, the same as you would to a stranger. That is nonsense. If anything, a brother in law should be held to an even higher standard than a stranger.

If my child cheats on a test, I don't hold him or her to a lower standard than some other child, some stranger. My child should damn well know better than to cheat, as should the rest of my family.
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#8

Postby StanleyRoark » Fri Mar 29, 2019 8:19 am

you are a good person. The hidden camera is not allowed without your consent. By the way. If you disclose one, you can report your brother. As for your sister, I think she should grow up. Such a man is not worth it.
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