boyfriends family

Postby lilbowpeep47 » Sun Dec 04, 2016 2:03 pm

I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 21 we have been living on our together comfortably since we were 18 but back in July His 18year old sister got pregnant and her and ths babys dad had a apartment lined up but they needed a place to stay for a week until the place was ready, so we let them stay a week! In our 2bedroom home it is now December the baby is due in January and her boyfriend refuses to work she won't work either they don't pay rent and they don't even clean up after themselves. We told them they can't live with us any longer but they still won't get jobs or put forth effort what so ever, now I just found out my boyfriends mom left her boyfriend so her and another sister 16years old are moving in and are going to be living in our living room. I'm so stressed out because we are living pay check to pay check taking care of his family and they won't do anything to help themselves and we've trying to save money to buy a house but we can't because of his family. We are in our 20's trying to get a head start on life and his family is dragging us down with there burdens. Oh and did I mention his mom opened a bunch of credit card in his name and destroyed his credit so we can't get loan for a house. I feel like I'm drowning, I feel like there is no way out of this situation and its also putting strain on my boyfriend and I'd relationship. We've been together 6 years and I think his family is going to tear us apart. The stress is causing me to break out all over my face and I've been having panick attack. No 20 year old should have to take care of a pregnant 18 year old her 20 year old baby daddy a 40 year old women and a 16 year old girl. Its not fair of them to put there problems on our shoulders. Any Advice?
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#1

Postby laureat » Sun Dec 04, 2016 5:03 pm

When you talk with someone you have to match a little to their intelligence,
These guys living with you may have really stupid ideas which they may believe to be fine, and you need to address that ,

You simply have to ask what are their ideas, and you let them know you have a problem with their ideas,

You dont have to be frustrated or go in a fight you simply let them know how much you can help them, and let them know your ideas , and make them be aware something has to change, as you are not comfortable
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#2

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Dec 04, 2016 5:04 pm

It is your boyfriend's responsibility to handle the situation. Your role is to communicate with your boyfriend. You tell him a firm date by which either they are gone or you will be gone. You tell him it is not an ultimatum, it is not a threat, it is simply a reality. You tell him you can't live like this, you love him, but it is not fair to you. It is his family and his responsibility to handle them.

You support your boyfriend, but that support comes in the very real deadline you set.
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#3

Postby laureat » Sun Dec 04, 2016 5:44 pm

I am unsure about that richadrds
As the guy may feel sorry to speak his mind and may only damage the relationship between,
While she can simply speak her mind because may feel less sorry to let them know her ideas, directly to the people that are causing the problems instead of speaking to her bf and damaging her relationship if he starts to reject and say but baby, lets hope this and that

And i dont think is a good idea to limit your comfort zone of freedom of speech, and living with ideas that she shouldnt speak up what she has to say no matter to whom
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#4

Postby tokeless » Sun Dec 04, 2016 8:29 pm

laureat wrote:I am unsure about that richadrds
As the guy may feel sorry to speak his mind and may only damage the relationship between,
While she can simply speak her mind because may feel less sorry to let them know her ideas, directly to the people that are causing the problems instead of speaking to her bf and damaging her relationship if he starts to reject and say but baby, lets hope this and that

And i dont think is a good idea to limit your comfort zone of freedom of speech, and living with ideas that she shouldnt speak up what she has to say no matter to whom


Didn't get a word of that except Richard was wrong... Richard is bang on the money imo. The family are sponging off their good will and the only way it will end is for b/f to man up and sort it out.
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#5

Postby laureat » Sun Dec 04, 2016 9:35 pm

My idea is that instead of trying to send the messages through someone else, you simply speak your mind as there is nothing wrong with that

You saying that its her bf who needz to speak up, as if its something wrong if she speaks what she has to say

This is a bogus idea everyone should speak when they have something to say you dont need to tell someone else to speak about what you have to say
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Dec 05, 2016 12:09 am

laureat wrote:My idea is that instead of trying to send the messages through someone else, you simply speak your mind as there is nothing wrong with that

You saying that its her bf who needz to speak up, as if its something wrong if she speaks what she has to say

This is a bogus idea everyone should speak when they have something to say you dont need to tell someone else to speak about what you have to say


If she speaks to them without the support of her boyfriend, this will cause problems. They have no reason to leave their brothers apartment, because of what his girlfriend says. He is the older sisters brother, he is family, she is an outsider that is causing problems. They will see her as the problem and it will cause even more tension.

She MUST have the support of her boyfriend. End of story.

If she has the support of her boyfriend, then it is not only his responsibility to talk with HIS family, but it will work out much better. There does not need to be both of them approaching the couple and giving them a deadline. She doesn't need to be there to parrot what he says.

It isn't about whether or not she has a right to speak her mind to the older sister/baby daddy. Of course she has the right, but it doesn't make it the smart thing to do. Her focus needs to be on getting her boyfriends support, not just his lip service or him agreeing. If she has his support then he should be the one to talk with his sister.
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#7

Postby laureat » Mon Dec 05, 2016 1:39 am

it is everyones responsibility to protect oneself
there is nothing wrong to say i am uncomfortable with xyz problems

when you hurt you dont ask someone else to say OUCH for you,
even if you ask someone what if the other doesnt say it loud enough?

it is not her bf responsibility to say OUCH for others, everyone should say for themselves as nobody can say it better

living 6 years with somebody is no longer an outsider unless that is how you want to consider oneself
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#8

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Dec 05, 2016 2:50 am

laureat wrote:when you hurt you dont ask someone else to say OUCH for you,


That is not always the case, especially when it requires the support of another person.

Or maybe you disagree that it is important to get the support of her boyfriend? You think, without the approval of her boyfriend she can tell the older sister to leave the apartment? And when the sister then asks her brother, he says she can stay or says it is not his problem and he is neutral?
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#9

Postby Crankor » Mon Dec 05, 2016 2:55 am

laureat wrote:it is everyones responsibility to protect oneself
there is nothing wrong to say i am uncomfortable with xyz problems

when you hurt you dont ask someone else to say OUCH for you,
even if you ask someone what if the other doesnt say it loud enough?

it is not her bf responsibility to say OUCH for others, everyone should say for themselves as nobody can say it better

living 6 years with somebody is no longer an outsider unless that is how you want to consider oneself


Point being, It's his family, he needs to be the one to set the rules for them or kick them out. They will just talk back and argue with the girlfriend without her boyfriend being the one to enforce it and say it himself. Richard is correct.
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#10

Postby lilbowpeep47 » Mon Dec 05, 2016 5:24 am

Thank you everyone for the helpful advice my Boyfriend spoke to his sister and Her baby's dad is soppose to be searching for a job this week and his mother and other sister have moved in with us. So my boyfriend and I have decided that the best option for us is to move out and let them take over our payments and they all can stay here, while we get a fresh start just the two of us in a new place. Its not the ideal sittuation but at least we will soon have our privacy back and can start enjoying life again.
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#11

Postby laureat » Mon Dec 05, 2016 5:36 pm

@richards, @cranckor
its simple, one has to speak his own mind
she mentioned things like cleaning, cooking, paying the rent and such thing dont need for too much drama , you can simply let the other know you have a problem with that

her bf cannot decide about how much she is willing to help, you cannot say to your gf stfu and do the cooking, she is the one who decides about that and let them know how much is willing to help

is not only about kicking these guys out, problems were mentioned that it was needed for her to speak up,

but anyway as these guys are moving away , and problem solved there is no need to discuss about it
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#12

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Dec 05, 2016 5:43 pm

laureat wrote:...problems were mentioned that it was needed for her to speak up,


Yes, she needed to speak to her boyfriend and have his support.

Do you not acknowledge she must have her boyfriends support? You think she could tell them to move out or that they could move out without her boyfriend being in agreement?
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#13

Postby AlexD » Mon Dec 05, 2016 8:33 pm

I completely agree with RichardDS. It is his family, so your boyfriend will need to learn to act like a grown-up. If he is unable to do it now, his family's entitlement will continue in the future and your relationship will only suffer. They don't have financial education and responsibility and are now ruining his credit? This has already gone way too far! Family members sometimes need some very firm limits, and they may often abuse the fact that they are family, so they think they are allowed to live off you.
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#14

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Dec 06, 2016 1:08 am

@Laureat

You have;
Me
Tokeless
Crankor
AlexD

We all see the same thing, but you do not. I have asked repeatedly if you at least acknowledge that in order for the situation to be resolved if she needs the support of her boyfriend? You seem to want to ignore this critical detail.

Anyway, you are correct that this thread has been resolved. But, we see similar questions in the forum on a regular basis. We see people that have issues with members of a significant others family. Whenever that takes place, it is crucial to have support of your significant other.
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