Jumping into the abyss after 30 years of smoking.

Postby Ruby Rose » Fri Feb 03, 2017 2:39 pm

Hi everyone,

I am not sure if that’s the right title, “jumping into the abyss” or should it be “climbing a huge mountain” because that’s what quitting feels like to me. Sometimes I wonder, if that mountain is to high to climb? I guess jumping into the abyss is my fear of giving up. I am fearful of the symptoms. That comes with it, the anger, depression, anxiety to name a few. Even though quitting dope is the one thing I want to do.

I had my first joint at 13 years of age and by the time I was 18 I was smoking every day. I had given up for short periods through my twenties and gave up when I had my daughter. Giving up smoking was easy when I had a good reason to quit. I was having a baby and life was going to change for the better. I started smoking again when she was three years old. It took one joint at a party and the addiction grabbed me again with in a few weeks I was smoking every day, again.
My habit would be at least 1 to 2 grams a day but I could smoke up to 4 to 5 grams a day if I had it. I hate to think how much money I have burned. I could of bought 3 to 4 houses by now. It’s the one thing that has held me back. It’s been 8 years since I tried quitting I am ready to take the plunge again.

The effect it is having on my life has only got worst with age. I am now 43 and have been smoking pot for more than ¾ of my life. It makes me feel I have wasted so much time. Funny, the first time I got stoned I thought to myself, this is a waste of time!!! It was one of those social things that everyone did occasionally at a party when you were young but only a few of us go on and smoke habitually.

Dealing with the anxiety and the emotional turmoil is really hard when there’s no support, being a single mum and having a try to function while giving up is something I fear. I function while I am stoned because that’s what I am used to but in the first few days of not having a smoke I spin out, feel emotional, angry. I don’t want my daughter to have to put up with me coming down. I have managed to hide it from her but it still affects her. I don’t want to socialize at all anymore. I can’t hold a conversation very well so I avoid people. I spend so much time on my own. I know giving up will be the best thing I could ever do. If I could quit I would be perfect, well, at least feel normal.

I have attempted quitting about 10 to 12 times in the last three years. I broke up my husband because I thought the addiction I had was because he was a smoker too and if I leave I will be able to give up. So, I lost my only support and I am still struggling to quit. I thought that he was the one triggering me to smoke but my triggers are a lot deeper. Some times, a change of scenery can make it easier change old habits. But it wasn’t my relationship that was making me smoke, it’s me and only me can make me stop. I only just joined this forum after reading so many inspiring messages. Since I don’t have any outside help or a partner I thought this would be a good place to start.


Thanks for reading any tips or advice welcomed.
Ruby Rose
New Member
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2017 11:33 am
Likes Received: 8


#1

Postby Wave » Fri Feb 03, 2017 6:31 pm

Welcome. You have made the first step of posting on a quitting forum so this has to be progress!!! I am sorry to hear you are also having a rough time due to your cannabis addiction, I feel we are in a similar situation with that....

I like your title of "Jumping into the abyss". May I suggest you think of this as more "jumping out of the abyss". I honestly thought my addiction was not affecting my life and others around me but lately this is so far from the truth. It really has negatively impacted on my life and I feel I was soon to lose a lot of things I have worked very hard for.

From what you have described it sounds as though it is also affecting your life. I am almost two weeks into a quit and while I have not felt mentally very good, being able to tackle each day with a clear head has been a massive relief as when I am a stoner I lack my usual confidence and lie about my use. I have used the last 6 months after 15 months clean, which is just the most stupid thing ever.

Like you I have become less social and when I did go out before this quit I would play the "how stoned can I get and hope people won't notice", which is the least fun game you can ever play, ever.

We both started very young (I was 12 when I started) and there is a lot of research to say people who started young while their brains are developing have a far harder time quitting than those who start 18-20+ years old. I am using this as my reason why I can never touch it again, which in all previous quits I have convinced myself it will be different this time, and it never is.

The biggest tip I can give you is try and cut down massively before quitting. I managed evenings only before quitting which meant I spent most of each day not high, which helps the adjustment. Next I would say enjoy the moments you feel ok and just bear through the awful bits. What I have felt these last two weeks made me realise how addicted I still was.

Hope you keep posting and private message me if you want to ask anything else, or in either of our threads. I am a avid poster on here when I quit as it helps me massively!!!
Wave
Preferred Member
 
Posts: 770
Joined: Sun Nov 18, 2012 9:47 am
Likes Received: 217

#2

Postby tokeless » Fri Feb 03, 2017 6:39 pm

Hi.. it can be scary thinking never again and this is often a reason why people delay stopping. You fear the symptoms of not having it.. so you think these are physical or emotional symptoms because you seemed to have relied on it for comfort???
Letting go can be hard but what's the worst that can happen to you? What will you gain from stopping or lose?
If like most heavy smokers you isolated yourself so you could smoke e.g avoid events where you can't then it will give you the chance to re-engage with people you care about.. I guess for me it's about making choices... choose to not smoke or keep smoking is the bottom line. You can do it, you know you can, you've done it before so make your decision, commit to it and then manage the 'symptoms' of not smoking anymore... it's a great feeling and I loved smoking but would never go back.
Best wishes
tokeless
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2296
Joined: Thu May 08, 2008 5:17 pm
Likes Received: 331

#3

Postby Ruby Rose » Sat Feb 04, 2017 9:41 am

thank you so much Wave and Tokeless for the advice. I have already gone all day without smoking. I think I will do as you say and cut back massively over the next week and then go cold turkey. I have survived today ok and I feel better for not smoking. I know it isn't that painful giving up it just knowing what to do to replace the addition. I am not sure what to do with my self at the moment. I am really glad I found this forum, knowing that other people like yourself are going through the same thing does make it feel like I am not alone with these problems. Thank you for writing. I will write soon
Ruby Rose
New Member
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2017 11:33 am
Likes Received: 8

#4

Postby Stevenpearce » Sat Feb 04, 2017 11:36 am

Well done on starting your journey!

What's helped me in the past is finding something that is relaxing or enjoyable to replace the feeling of being stoned. Hot baths with lots of lavender work a treat, it gives you something to look forward to each day and leaves you nice and relaxed!

Best of luck
Stevenpearce
Full Member
 
Posts: 242
Joined: Thu Jun 06, 2013 5:41 am
Likes Received: 25

#5

Postby tokeless » Sat Feb 04, 2017 1:51 pm

I think I will do as you say and cut back massively over the next week and then go cold turkey

Ruby... ask youself why another week matters? This is part of the anxiety of stopping... just keep smoking, but less for bit = I'm still smoking. I guess it's your call but you're bargaining with yourself. You've not smoked today so why start? Just putting it out there to think about.
best wishes
tokeless
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2296
Joined: Thu May 08, 2008 5:17 pm
Likes Received: 331

#6

Postby Ruby Rose » Sat Feb 04, 2017 7:57 pm

tokeless..I guess that is what wave suggested cutting back. It is one way of doing it or going cold turkey which is hard for me unless I have support or go away somewhere. I have had a very heavy habit for a very long time. So cutting back might help with the adjustment or it might just prolong the agony. I don't know. I am going to do my best. After not smoking yesterday, I didn't get any sleep ready, I have been sweating and tossing and turning all night. I am feeling withdrawals already.
Stevenpearce...thankyou I love your idea, if only I had a bath, I guess long showers is all I can do. Lavender oil is something that I will get now, thank you and best wishes.
Ruby Rose
New Member
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2017 11:33 am
Likes Received: 8

#7

Postby Hellokitty85 » Sun Feb 05, 2017 12:39 am

Gosh I so feel your pain... it is so hard to be a single mom and deal with all that on top of wanting to quit smoking.. for me cold turkey is the only way I can quit. I wish I was one of these people that could just cut back but I'll keep making excuses to take another toke if I have it in the house. Also i feel like it just prolongs the process for me...I have smoked for about 17 years, i started around the age of 16, and durning that time i quit a few times. One of the times being over a year. I was also a single mom for a long time.. I know you cant escape being a mom and go away for a few days/weeks to get over the addiction and that really holds you back...I also get the sweating and not sleeping. Freaking sucks. I hope you get through this. I am quitting when we run out this time...I know its hard but dont be so hard on yourself. Your kid will forgive you and appreciate you quitting one day when they are an adult. They might not even remember. And if you lay down on the couch all day and only get up to make sandwhiches for a few weeks it will be ok. Get well soon
Hellokitty85
Junior Member
 
Posts: 73
Joined: Sat Oct 26, 2013 1:43 pm
Likes Received: 14

#8

Postby Alex4 » Sun Feb 05, 2017 8:47 am

RubyRose,
Jumping into the abyss sounds more like doing something negative. I did like the comment "climbing out of the abyss".

Not being a smoker, I don't have much help there, but you may want to ask yourself why you became hooked on pot. In high school I hung out with the kids who smoked pot, mainly because they accepted me when others didn't. One observation I made though was that every last one of them was trying to deal with some sort of emotional pain. Family problems or lack of family, individual problems etc. That may not be you, but most of the time people use a downer if they need to relax or help in forgetting. The generation before ours drank. Our used joints. I do know that I feel a lot less worried and depressed when I take an antianxiety medication prescribed for pain. (If it wasn't prescribed, I could very easily keep upping the dose).

Anyway, its just a question. Think about it. If you find you are reaching for a joint when you want to feel better, then maybe its time to look closer at that. You may have just fallen into the habit unwittingly because you liked the feeling and didn't pay attention to an increasing amount.

Good luck with both.

Alex4
Alex4
Junior Member
 
Posts: 46
Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2017 4:34 pm
Likes Received: 7

#9

Postby Wave » Sun Feb 05, 2017 11:00 am

tokeless wrote:Ruby... ask youself why another week matters? This is part of the anxiety of stopping... just keep smoking, but less for bit = I'm still smoking. I guess it's your call but you're bargaining with yourself. You've not smoked today so why start? Just putting it out there to think about.
best wishes


Tokeless, you know I respect you and I do agree with what you are saying. Just as someone who has quite from heavy use and also lighter use, the withdrawal I suffered was significantly more when I went straight cold turkey after heavy use. The issue some from from are you actually able to cut down, as many say that is there plan but then their use stays constant so does not help at all.

I was smoking evenings only before this quit and compared to my frist quit where I smoke bongs anytime I was not working, the different in withdrawal was massive.
Wave
Preferred Member
 
Posts: 770
Joined: Sun Nov 18, 2012 9:47 am
Likes Received: 217

#10

Postby Ruby Rose » Sun Feb 05, 2017 11:03 am

hello kitty, thank you so much, I know there are lots of single parents that are in the same dilemma. I guess it's a matter of will power. Remembering how good we will all feel down the track if we do succeed. Good luck on quitting too. I am going to try walking a lot more getting outside and excerising. The last time I gave up was just keeping busy and didn't have time to think about it except I did drink more. I stopped drinking alcohol a few years ago and I don't miss it at all. I never have been a heavy drinker at all maybe 1 to 2 drinks a week if that. This time I don't want to replace dope with alcohol but stay of both.
Hi Alex, yes is a bit negative but I guess I was describing the fear with going though withdrawals and not being in control of the mood swings. I agree, climbing out of the abyss, is more like it. I guess I went through lots of emotional pain and grief when I started smoking heavy, losing my brother and a whole lot of other stuff and I do use it to dull and pain. I think to like you say that I fell into unwittingly not noticing the bad effect it has over time. For me, everybody I knew growing up smoked pot. Thank you for asking that and making me think about it more.
Ruby Rose
New Member
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2017 11:33 am
Likes Received: 8

#11

Postby Ruby Rose » Sun Feb 05, 2017 11:10 am

Thanks Wave, I am giving up tobacco with the pot. I don't smoke straight ciggies at all. I think this is one of the reasons why I smoke heavy is because of the tobacco addiction. I have done the cutting back method too and I find it is less painful over all. It just takes a lot of will power to stick to the plan. I will stay positive. cheers
Ruby Rose
New Member
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2017 11:33 am
Likes Received: 8

#12

Postby LoosingItAll » Tue Feb 07, 2017 8:26 am

Ruby,
Read my reply on Bhavna's thread. I agree with Hello Kitty and don't prolong the torture you're guilt is putting you through. This is the first time I have quit and it was hard but not nearly as hard as I thought it would be. Even though I never smoked during the weekday, only nights and weekends, I have managed to consume 5 grams a day for decades. But you can't do it alone. This forum is an amazing part of my support group but what got me through was opening up to the adults I know cared about me. Typing is great but you have to talk, cry, and hug. I have found my mum, my wife's mum, my family doctor, MA, and even my best friend who I have been getting high with for years have helped me the most. Find you're support group, it's out there if you seek it.
LoosingItAll
Junior Member
 
Posts: 36
Joined: Wed Jan 11, 2017 4:40 pm
Likes Received: 13

#13

Postby Alex4 » Tue Feb 07, 2017 11:24 pm

RubyRose,
at some point, most addictions become more than just an addiction. They become part of a routine. If you always smoke at night, and stop doing it, they you may wind up feeling edgy because your routine is interrupted. That may sound like a small part of it, but humans are very much creatures of habit. For some, it come home, throw the keys on the table, get a drink, relax and have dinner. For others, its come home, play with the kids before dinner and read to them afterwards.

When part of the routine is changed, it gives the feeling that something isn't right. It may help to replace one habit for another (or habit for another), that is better for you and helps replace the guilt.

Not that I am comparing dogs to people all the way around, but if you have one, you and the dog have your own routine, and when you don't follow it, the dog gets pushy and nervous. kind of the same thing.

Alex4
Alex4
Junior Member
 
Posts: 46
Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2017 4:34 pm
Likes Received: 7

#14

Postby Wave » Thu Feb 09, 2017 8:30 pm

LoosingItAll wrote:Ruby,
Read my reply on Bhavna's thread. I agree with Hello Kitty and don't prolong the torture you're guilt is putting you through. This is the first time I have quit and it was hard but not nearly as hard as I thought it would be. Even though I never smoked during the weekday, only nights and weekends, I have managed to consume 5 grams a day for decades.


Yea been meaning to add this this that going for the quit straight away is a wise choice, I don't what I say to be interpreted that cutting down first is always the best idea. I think making the decision and going for it sounds like the best plan.

Keep us updated, hope you are able to make sort this!
Wave
Preferred Member
 
Posts: 770
Joined: Sun Nov 18, 2012 9:47 am
Likes Received: 217



  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to Addictions