How to handle people that talk too much

Postby winzer » Sat Mar 18, 2017 7:45 pm

I'm extremely introverted and inattentive. I have a boss that will talk your ear off. I like the guy, but I get drained quickly and ultimately irritated and pissed. One strategy I've devised is filling my water bottle up 1/5th the way. So if I'm in the middle of a conversation and I start to get tired and pissed, I drink my one 1/5th and use it as an excuse to get the hell out of there and refill to another 1/5th. I'm hoping he'll catch on, and he'll know to wrap things up and keep conversations shorter; kind of like social training I guess.

Are there any other recommendations people have? Not just for my boss but for someone that you randomly bump into and wish to get the hell out of that conversation? Ultimately I wish I could tell a person to wrap it up or state your key points, but unfortunately this would be seen as rude I think. It's not that I don't want to converse, I just can't stand rambling because it drains me and puts me in an emotionally bad place.
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#1

Postby whybotherwhynot » Sun Mar 19, 2017 12:09 am

It depends on what your boss talks about.

If it's about work, you have to be patient to listen and get involved in the discussions with him. If he talks too much, too long, do what you do and/or look at your watch every few minutes. He'll get a hint.

If it's about personal things, you can tell him that his story is interesting but you have something important to take care off right away and make excuse and leave.

With someone who is not your boss, it's easy. Tell that person you have a headache and leave. And more often, stay away from that talkative person/people, then you don't have to listen to them.
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#2

Postby Candid » Sun Mar 19, 2017 1:04 pm

winzer wrote:Ultimately I wish I could tell a person to wrap it up or state your key points, but unfortunately this would be seen as rude I think. It's not that I don't want to converse, I just can't stand rambling because it drains me and puts me in an emotionally bad place.


Don't you think it's rude to bail someone up and talk on and on and on until they're drained and emotionally exhausted? I do. And I think your feelings about the interaction count just as much as the other person's.

You could say: "I'm going to have to stop you there, because you've been talking for a while and I need some time to process what you've said."

If that's too abrupt for the boss, summarise what he's said so far: "I understand you want me to do this, this and this. I'll get onto it right away" -- and turn your back to get on with it.

I suspect you're not getting equal time in these conversations, that if you try to speak the other person just talks right over you. In that case it's time for Doc Martin tactics: When you've had enough, you simply turn and march away.

BTW, habitual jabbering is a sign of great anxiety.
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#3

Postby VeeGlasses » Sun Mar 19, 2017 10:39 pm

Talking way too much is all about dominance. My brother use to (and still does) the same thing. He's trying to say "look at how dominant I am, I can talk and talk and talk and you can't get a word in edge wise." On the one hand you should be happy, it probably means he likes you.

On the other hand, it's annoying and time wasting. If it's not that big of an issue, he's upsetting you or not making your job more difficult I would just deal with it. Maybe it will fade with time. Or you can try interrupting him or casually ending the conversation.

I hate the feeling of being trapped in a conversation. I just try to leave when I want to leave.
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#4

Postby winzer » Tue Mar 21, 2017 3:13 am

VeeGlasses wrote:Talking way too much is all about dominance. My brother use to (and still does) the same thing. He's trying to say "look at how dominant I am, I can talk and talk and talk and you can't get a word in edge wise." On the one hand you should be happy, it probably means he likes you.

On the other hand, it's annoying and time wasting. If it's not that big of an issue, he's upsetting you or not making your job more difficult I would just deal with it. Maybe it will fade with time. Or you can try interrupting him or casually ending the conversation.

I hate the feeling of being trapped in a conversation. I just try to leave when I want to leave.


This is exactly how I feel, like I'm being dominated. I feel small and helpless. And I'm not even sure if he does like me. I feel like it just to show how much power he has over me. Or it's more like "look how great I am how much I have to say. I'm not going to make this a back and forth conversation, it's all about me. You don't matter.". This is the feeling I get pretty much all the time, even when it's a conversation other than my boss. I end up upset, tired, and bitter afterwards a lot; not to mention it is just discouraging for future encounters. I want to say something like: "you're babbling, get to the point. And I don't enjoy this because it's not even a conversation".
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#5

Postby Candid » Tue Mar 21, 2017 9:29 am

winzer wrote: I want to say something like: "you're babbling, get to the point. And I don't enjoy this because it's not even a conversation".


Go on then. I dare you!
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#6

Postby whybotherwhynot » Tue Mar 21, 2017 2:16 pm

Yes, you have to have gut and be brave to speak up for yourself. If you are too quiet, too nice and timid, someone will talk at you, step over you and have no respect for you. And you will feel upset/bitter inside and become depressed. Find courage to speak up. Don't think talking back is rude. People who talk too much, don't care about how others feel, are the rude ones. They need straightforward talk to their face.
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Mar 21, 2017 4:06 pm

winzer wrote:I'm extremely introverted and inattentive.
Are there any other recommendations people have?


Instead of trying to figure out tricks to remain extremely introverted and inattentive, develop social skills that improve your ability to engage in the conversation, to become a participant rather than just an object standing there?
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#8

Postby winzer » Thu Mar 30, 2017 8:44 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
winzer wrote:I'm extremely introverted and inattentive.
Are there any other recommendations people have?


Instead of trying to figure out tricks to remain extremely introverted and inattentive, develop social skills that improve your ability to engage in the conversation, to become a participant rather than just an object standing there?


The question I'm trying to answer is: how can I manage my introversion in front of people that talk a lot? What I've discussed so far are practical methods, not tricks. And you presupposed that I don't have social skills. I have social skills I'm just get very tired easily talking to fast talkers, and people that hijack a conversation.
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#9

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Mar 30, 2017 9:33 pm

winzer wrote: The question I'm trying to answer is: how can I manage my introversion in front of people that talk a lot? What I've discussed so far are practical methods, not tricks. And you presupposed that I don't have social skills. I have social skills I'm just get very tired easily talking to fast talkers, and people that hijack a conversation.


There is no magic here. Communication is a skill that is learned. You learn a skill via practice. You want to be able to bake bread, you need to bake. You want to develop your skill in playing golf, you get out the clubs and go play. You want to learn history, you read a history book. You want to learn to communicate with people you don't like or tire of, it requires practice, it requires you develop a skill that you can label whatever you like, but you don't yet apparently have.

What I would do in your situation to gain that skill is to identify those individuals you consider to be "fast talkers" or "hijackers" and go practice. Deliberately go and learn by having conversations with these people. Sign up for a toastmasters or local speaking club. Commit to attending some company events or social gatherings where "fast talkers" might be present for you to practice.

The other option is to "manage" your self-identify of being an introvert by reinforcing that belief and simply avoiding these people. That will allow you to maintain your personal belief that you are "introverted" as the other path will challenge your identity and that can be quite discomforting.
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#10

Postby Tendani » Sun Apr 02, 2017 8:46 pm

If you want to be in peace most of the time, you have to try by all means to keep a distance from those people, i am not saying you should completely cut them from your life, what you have to do is to spend less time with them.

And if they are your colleagues you should respond and talk less with them, that way they will start loosing interest in you and they will keep a distance, & you will attract the ones that you want in your life.
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