Virgin @43....a tad bit concerned.

Postby CrimsonKing » Thu Mar 23, 2017 6:09 am

:cry: Hello Uncommon friends. I just joined the board here yesterday and first of all, since I noticed that this site is apparently based in Britain (correct me if it's not), a sincere extension of sympathy for the people of London following the tragic and senseless events of yesterday, is necessary. To all readers in England, please accept my heartfelt sadness.

So, now.... I am experiencing a certain degree of depression and distress. At age 43, I have yet to experience any sort of relationship with a woman. This is not some sort of joke here. Since we all here are struggling with unique and 'uncommon' difficulties, I don't feel uncomfortable confessing this.

I am completely heterosexual, and have approached probably hundreds of women over the years, but have never experienced intimacy, kissed someone, nor even so much as held hands. And have been able to secure only a few dates.

The variety of responses has ranged from "No, I'm sorry. I am currently seeing someone." to "I just left a relationship recently, and am just not interested right now."

But you know what? Far and away the most frequent response has been any variation of "Oh honey, I think of you as a great friend." or "I like you, I just don't like-like you" or "You're so sweet & I like you so much, but I just don't think of you in THAT way".

Do you have any suggestions for this situation?

A few weeks ago, my mom expressed some sadness that she would "probably never become a grandmother". I also began to feel some sadness and regret, having the feeling that somehow this is MY fault.

Thanks in advance for any assistance or response.


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Postby tokeless » Thu Mar 23, 2017 8:10 am

Hi... there are no magic formulas I'm afraid. Perhaps you are giving off the wrong signals which is easy to do if you feel urgency to get something... where do you go looking for ' dates'? Have to tried joining social groups just to meet new people because that can be a way, even if it's through a friend of a friend kind of situation.
Also try getting to know someone just for the fun of it helps improve social skills and makes you seem less 'desperate' for a relationship... hope that makes sense. As for your mum. It's not your job to fulfil her dreams so don't feel bad about it.. this is your life.
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Postby Livetowin » Thu Mar 23, 2017 10:46 am

I think Tokeless is hitting on some strong points here. Relationships really come about in a very organic way and less like applying for a job the way you have it profiled here. The kind of responses you're getting sound like your perspective and circumstances may not be fully examined in your self-analysis.

I think the first thing we have to look at is the staging of these events. How do you get to know people? Are you the kind of person that gets very personal and pretty much comes into a stranger's life as an open book telling them everything about yourself or is this more of a gradual process? When you meet someone, is your first goal to want to date them? Where do you assess whether they are a good fit for you as a person versus someone whom you just have a fondness for? And where is your value system in assessing that moment when you want to ask them to be more than your friend? In other words, what is your rationalization that says, " Okay I did this, we talked about that, and now I can ask for this." I need to know how you set the table in your head so that you believe the time is right to ask people out.

Let's start there and we'll dig into your process. Often times, when we find ourselves in a constant cycle of bad results, it's because we are not looking at it from the perspective necessary to impact change. If you can speak open and frank about your thinking, I'm confident we can get you on a new path.
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Postby CrimsonKing » Thu Mar 30, 2017 5:28 am

Thanks for the responses. I really appreciate them.

Just a few quick answers to your questions.

Yes I have used many an online dating service for the purpose of seeking out potential dating partners, and it is always there that I received the "sorry you are not my type" responses. In some cases, I have made it as far as trading phone numbers and actually having conversations with these women, who invariably reject an offer to meet for coffee or lunch, and then after awhile usually either ignore my voice mail messages or fail to call me back when they say they will.

I have always made a general rule of refraining from seeming "desperate" or overly anxious about the possibility of romance, and never reveal too much about myself to women whom I have just contacted.

Unfortunately, I have no friends.... like, at all. I think that I can count on one hand the number of friends I've had throughout my entire life, actually.

Sure it's nice to meet people "just for the fun of it", but in the groups which I have joined, they are always either "taken" (not to sound crude about it) or they show up to the group w/a boyfriend.

For a reason that has eluded me for decades, I've noticed that quite a few women over the years who are fully aware that I have had a crush on (& who appear to enjoy my company as friends) I'm told later that they have confided to their friends that they perceive me as "creepy". I certainly don't intend to portray myself as that, and it usually presents itself as a bit of a shock or surprise.
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