My wife is not living to my expectations

#30

Postby Candid » Fri Apr 14, 2017 12:33 pm

_neo_ wrote:-"How does pregnancy effect your life goals and decision making, which in my view is the same as it was pre-pregnancy"

Then there was a silence and we went to bed.


I'm not surprised! Neo, you're one half of a very traditional couple. Husband has ambition and goes to work; wife has babies, looks after them and does the housework... with rather less energy when she's carrying a Bump. You have no idea what a difference it makes to be carrying new life inside you 24/7. She needs your wholehearted support, not to be criticised for everything she does or doesn't do.

I think I see a window here, for us to go toghether into business or have a mutual project in which we will both grow. I think she was for it once.


If maternity has changed her mind, are you open to renegotiating your marital expectations? You can't install enthusiasm and career-mindedness where it's gone or never existed. That's not a deal-breaker unless you thought marriage also conferred a cheap business subordinate.

Seems you need to separate your career from your marriage or risk losing both.
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#31

Postby Candid » Fri Apr 14, 2017 12:43 pm

_neo_ wrote:I
at the beginning of our relationship I said, everything that matters is the truth.
I don't care what you did as long as you don't lie about it.
I found out she lied about meeting with her ex
I said no secrets from now on
I'm putting off the nice guy routine and be a bit more harsh.


Do the words control freak mean anything to you?

I carry the burden to provide for our family and keep things safe and heading into the right direction.


Does your wife, life partner and the mother of your child have any say in what's the right direction?

doing a project together would help her understand the benefits of couple bonding through creativity. And more importantly giving her structure.


Bloody hell! Are you perhaps a frustrated teacher? You clearly don't see your wife as an equal, but as a child who needs constant monitoring and instruction to become the person you think she should be.

The mystery here is why she accepts this crapola.
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#32

Postby tokeless » Fri Apr 14, 2017 1:00 pm

You sound very regimented neo. Have you ever thought you may have a condition called Aspergers? You seem to see no room for anybody else's needs and I think your wife must be very unhappy and stuck with you as she is pregnant with your child.
I'm not surprised she's afraid to fail because you would point it out and show your obvious disappointment with her.
You consider your role as a burden... this is your family neo... if you continue with this controlling behaviour you stand the chance of losing it... is that worth it? Try a different approach unless you can't and then I would consider speaking to a professional about how you behave and see the world.
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#33

Postby _neo_ » Fri Apr 14, 2017 1:51 pm

Candid thanks for your help but I would appreciate if you just focus on helping someone on another thread and not post any more content here.
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#34

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Apr 14, 2017 1:57 pm

_neo_ wrote: Her logic is a bit skewed during her pregnancy,

-"How does pregnancy effect your life goals and decision making, which in my view is the same as it was pre-pregnancy"

Then there was a silence and we went to bed.


Her logic is skewed? What about your logic? Your "life philosophy" is that you are CEO and she is your employee. That is some skewed logic.

There is silence for a reason. You treat her as a lesser person. Silence happens.

You think pregnancy does not effect life goals and decision making, which shows ignorance on your part. Of course pregnancy can influence these things. Why? Because you have a 3rd life to consider! Pre-pregnancy you spend money on going out to dinner, but being pregnant do you still spend that money or save it to buy formula you will need? Being pregnant and having a child changes goals and decisions, because you have another life you are responsible for.

Bottom line, you lack understanding, you lack knowledge, you lack wisdom. You are so focused on what you see as an issue with your wife's logic that you can't see the flaws in your own logic.

Fix the errors in your own logic first.
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#35

Postby _neo_ » Fri Apr 14, 2017 2:05 pm

quietvoice wrote:
_neo_ wrote: She is scared to fail that's why she does not try.

Would you allow her fail without judgments from you?


Good question. Our new project is cooking.


So let's say for arguments sake she makes desert and it's bad. I would tell her that something is wrong and figure out what actually went wrong and next time make a better desert. Is that considered judgment? I am not a fan of white lies, telling her it's good even though it's not.


Also to Richard, please focus your energy on a different thread.
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#36

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Apr 14, 2017 2:21 pm

_neo_ wrote: Also to Richard, please focus your energy on a different thread.


Hahahahaha, another thing you seem not to understand about the way the world works. This is a public forum neo. You are not CEO in here.

A public forum means I can focus my energy anywhere I choose. It also means what is posted is not always for or about you. Other people read this thread and can learn. It isn't all about you.

That said...you are failing neo.

You started this thread because you are failing. You came in here, because you are failing at leading, you are failing at being a good CEO with your family. Why? Why are YOU FAILING?

Anytime your wife is not meeting expectations, I want you to ask yourself how you have failed. Ask, "Why am I failing?" Ask, "If I'm the CEO, what am I doing wrong?"

Repeat this several times a day:

Why am I failing?
Why am I failing?
Why am I failing?

Eventually, you will figure out the answer. You are not failing, because your wife's logic is skewed.
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#37

Postby _neo_ » Fri Apr 14, 2017 2:39 pm

Decided to just write a script to remove Richard from my threads, in case anyone needs it in their own:

Array.from(document.querySelectorAll(".post-bg .postprofile a")).filter(el=>{if(el.innerText.indexOf("Richard") !== -1) {el.parentElement.parentElement.parentElement.remove()}})
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#38

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Apr 14, 2017 2:48 pm

Lol, you don't need a script neo, you just have to select me as an enemy and you will not see what I post. But, this doesn't stop a person from participating in a given thread. It only stops you from seeing what they write.

As pointed out, your desire to control things might be an issue. I would add this to the list of possible reasons you are failing. Again neo, why are you failing? You need to think long and hard about the reasons you are failing.

Maybe you believe you can write a script to handle all your problems, but that isn't how life works my friend. You can't write a script to have your wife meet your expectations.
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#39

Postby WonderGurl » Fri Apr 14, 2017 3:02 pm

OK, i scaned through the thread, and I gather there are two main issues in your relationship with your wife:

#1 how you relate to your wife;

#2 how you communicate with your wife.

I'm not going to elaborate much on communication skills - they are not difficult to learn with a bit of reading about the topic and practice. One thing you said that stood out to me is that when you talk to your wife, you seem to be using "you" statements as opposed to "I" - focus on the other person and you're setting yourself up for conflict.

How you relate to your wife is a much bigger problem. If a man was talking me the way you talk to your wife, I'd kick him to the curb, like, yesterday. Let me explain. I'm not saying you don't work hard towards your goals and in order to support the family, but.. the way you think your wife should be is your opinion. Your wife has a very different view and if you cannot accept her for who she is - why are you still with her? One of the sticking points of your relationship with your wife is the fact that you are trying to change her. You can drop that straight away - you will not in a million years say or do anything that will cause her to change into a person you want her to be.

Thing is, you married a person you didn't quite know. You cannot get her to change to your liking. You can only either change how you are looking at your relationship with her or end the relationship.
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#40

Postby quietvoice » Fri Apr 14, 2017 4:21 pm

From opening post:
_neo_ wrote:How can I persuade her that a life of hard work on each of the subjects mentioned earlier, will lead to a happy and fulfilling life?

How do you know that this is true, that a life of hard work on each of certain subjects will lead to a happy and fulfilling life? Is it working for you? If it's working for you, you can model it for her. If it's not working for you, then no amount of persausion will make it look true to her, with you as an example.
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#41

Postby Candid » Sat Apr 15, 2017 8:54 am

I've been sacked! :shock:


Oh wait. I haven't even been paid yet.
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#42

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Apr 15, 2017 6:24 pm

Candid wrote:I've been sacked!


Lol, sorry to hear the devastating news, but I have known you long enough that I am confident you will survive this tough blow.

I wonder where neo went? He probably liked my advice about writing a script to program his wife so much that he is hard at work. I loved that, "I wrote a script" post so much I took a screenshot and shared it.

Anyway, good luck on your job search and if there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.
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#43

Postby CaliforniaSandDollar » Mon Apr 17, 2017 5:51 am

I think you see your wife as a secretary instead of a board member. I can't understand why you decided to have a baby if you don't like the idea of being the sole breadwinner. You could've waited 10 years and built up a nest egg. That way, you wouldn't have to work 12 hours a day. You could afford hired help: a nanny, a cook, etc.

If a career is more important to you than spending time with kids, do that. If you both agree to that, you'll have two incomes and no need to babysit. Why not make a list of your priorities in life and compare it to what your wife wants? Perhaps you two can compromise. If not, split up, pay child support, and totally focus on your career aspirations.
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#44

Postby succulent plant » Thu Apr 20, 2017 6:10 am

And I thought I have a problem!
The reason for my registration on this forum are some issues I have with my husband who resembles you, Neo. After reading your posts I realized he is a lamb. He does give me some hard times which are followed by some good times. Anyway, after two and a half decades of marriage (and again after reading your posts!) I realized I am coping with him quite well, though he might be one of the undiagnosed BPD persons.

And no, I am not your wife, I am from another country. Though it would be very useful to hear/read the other side, to read your wife´s side of the story. Probably you would wish to put me on the ignore list, too, but before you do this, read this to the end.

When we go to forums to seek help, our first expectation is to find understanding and when we read multiple posts that do not meet our expectations, we get angry. This is called denial. If we stay on the point of denial, we failed, if we grow beyond it, we succeeded.

You are not happy. Did you ask yourself is your wife happy, does she feel you are not the same man she used to date before marriage. She is different from you, she has other visions of her life, but who is the judge of defining good and bad. You? No. She? No, again.
Who decides are her meals good. You again. They are just not up to your expectations. My husband is the one who always nags about meals and once I told him that after so many years of "bad" meals we would all (two of us and our two kids in their twenties) be sick, undernourished and with disastrous blood test results. Which is not at all so!
Anyway, my husband rolls up his sleeves quite often and cooks some wonderful meals and then some other less wonderful. That´s called life!

When your baby is born, all your plans and projects will fail. Not because your wife failed, but because you will meet the life personally, again. Ease up a littel bit, or better, ease up a lot! Otherwise you will be left alone.
Your wife is not your ideal employee, nor is she your ideal wife, but believe me you are far from her ideal husband.
She is not stupid, she knows that we all need to work hard to earn for living. The difference is that she knows the value of fun moments in life. Without them, life would be a prison sentence. Yours is, for the time being. She thinks and she does it all the time, but she also feels, she uses her heart for the purpose other than pumping the blood. You lack this skill. Her calls to her parents are maybe a call for help because she does not have a husband to talk to. You know, a married couple shares thoughts, dilemmas, wishes and everything else in speech. Your mutual communication does not exist, it is reduced to your lectures and sermons.
My forecast is: either she leaves you or she starts to express herself and leaves you afterwards.
There is no future in marriage when people try to model the other side. The action is always on our side.
Good luck, Neo and melt your ice.
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