How depression shows itself

Postby wonkymirror » Sat Apr 01, 2017 9:25 pm

Hello to the forum!

Please forgive me for a very honest if a little dark mega long post, I wanted to repost it in the right place

I just wanted some feedback from anyone who suffers with depression as to how it manifests itself, to see if I can find similarities in how I feel when I'm having a dark day?

I wouldn't say depression has dogged me all my life, although I've always been an introverted and thoughtful person. I've been accused of over thinking situations in the past, usually regarding relationships, which is true, but although I had the odd down day it isn't until the past couple of years it has become a darker beast.

To cut a very long story short I was being treated for cervical cancer when I discovered my then boyfriend had cheated on me, he then started to suffer from anxiety and get panic attacks through feelings of guilt, which I now know were probably more to do with the fact he didn't want to be with me and hadn't for some time. I took him back because I loved him and wanted to make it work and essentially coerced him back into a relationship not knowing he had wanted out. His anxiety got worse and he started to have suicidal thoughts. At this point I was only just about holding on to my own sanity when he told me he didn't love me anymore and ended the relationship.

A few days later at work I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. I made the 3 hour coach journey back to my grandmothers house and for the next 3 weeks I just sat in an armchair unable to function, I couldn't eat properly, all I did was sleep and cry and I came dangerously close to ending my life. My parents thought I was just going through a rough break up, but I knew in my heart of hearts it was so much more than that.

I never returned to my old job, I had to take a pay cut and get a transfer to the store I had first started working at for the company. I was living with my grandmother again and I felt like I had taken a massive step backwards in life, but I knew I had to do it i order to feel safe and to rebuild myself.

Fast forward over a year and here I am- I'm living with my boyfriend, relatively healthy- of body anyway- and doing OK. Depression has got a grip on me though and it manifests itself like this:

I feel it coming on slowly throughout the day and despite my best efforts it is usually unavoidable

It is usually triggered when something happens to make me question my own self worth

I would describe it as trying to pull myself out of a dark hole very slowly but sinking further

It makes time seem to drag but I get very frustrated as I can't focus or do anything when I am in "the hole"

I retreat into myself and don't want to talk, but I feel very vulnerable and want my boyfriend around me

It never lasts more than a day at a time, but can happen more than once a week, it gets very bad "around that time of the month" and I get wildly paranoid and anxious

left to my own devises I can usually come out of feeling this way, but it can take time.

Does anyone else feel this way?
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Postby baxso » Fri May 12, 2017 10:03 pm

Dear WonkyMirror,

Hope you are well.
One important word I have for you (EXPRESS), yes just by expressing your inner self can be such a stress relief.
Never step into the past, what have been done is done, regardless if it went good or not, just think of it this way, a bad experience and a good experience = a good experience, if it was good so be it, if it was bad; you'll simply learn from it and grow more smarter. Trust yourself and paddle along whatever it takes, life surely has its ups and downs, and great people come from harsh past.

Just by knowing what's causing your problems is actually 50% of the solution, the other 50% is by focusing how to deal with it. love yourself, respect yourself, appreciate the life you have, love others and express your emotions freely.

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