Love anxiety or falling out of love?

Postby Rubberduck » Tue Apr 11, 2017 4:23 am

I don't really know where to start, as some background information, i suffer from generalised and health anxiety.
I'm 24 I've been dating my partner for 3-4 months now and everything was going amazing, we tell each other we love each other, we get on amazingly well, we seem to be the same person in the sense we have everything in common. We met on Tinder, he lives about an hours drive but he drives to me mid week for a night and we take in turns on the weekend (i get the train to his) everyone comments how happy we look together and we have such a laugh! I've recently been having a life crisis where I don't know where my life is going, i used to be engaged and had a house but that ended a year ago due to me being really sick with endo and ibs which i still suffer badly from now. I thought i was over my ex but sometimes I'm not so sure anymore.
I'm on my second warning at work for sickness and my home life with my parents is really stressful, I don't earn much as I can't work properly but my boyfriend is incredibly supportive of that and comes to my appointments with me.
I started to feel as if we were too good to be true, then my anxiety took over. He told me he wants to live with me and maybe propose in the future and it freaked me out!! Not that I don't want to but it got too serious too fast and then my brain started doubting the whole relationship. I know i love and care for him well i think i do, i can't concentrate on how i feel everytime i try to think about it. I've spoken to him how I'm unsure how i feel and he was incredibly supportive and we agreed to fight through this, I can't even cry about this as i feel completely numb but i keep having panic attacks, panic attacks at the thought of breaking up with him. I don't want to lose him but my mind is telling me to break up with him but I don't want to so why is it telling me to! It's completely warped how i feel about it and I can't even look at him the same way. I want this to work so bad, he's such an amazing guy. I want to go back to the way we were but I don't know how as I can't get this voice out of my head and it's driving me crazy. I don't know if it's because I'm so stressed about my life that my anxiety is attacking the one thing that made me happy and now it no longer makes me happy. I can't even look at him the same way anymore. I can't sleep I'm just constantly fighting the voice in my head telling me to break up with him, my heart sinks everytime. Is this relationship doomed!?
Also he's the first person I've ever been with that has facial hair, it sounds crazy but i was sexually assualted as a kid and the man had a beard, it used to freak me out and my exes shaved for me but my partner has a beard and i loved it at first it grew on me but the other day just before all this it smelt and the smell brought back memories and i think it's freaked me out. I don't know if it's this or my anxiety but all i see when i look at him now is his beard.
I don't want this to be over, can someone people help? I get moments where I don't think about it and we're so happy again but it's shortlived by the voice in my head. What do i do??
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Postby Livetowin » Thu Apr 13, 2017 11:48 am

I think it's safe to say you are a prisoner to your emotions rather than the facts of your situation. You place too much weight on moments rather than stepping back to examine the bigger picture of your circumstances. Everything you described are surface layers of the process we all go through in getting to know someone. Sharing similar interests and having common passions are great, but they do not give you the necessary guidance to equate if what stands before you is a person that remains in your life or not.

What stands out to me is your need to dress yourself in the identity of others. You need to be defined as yourself before you worry about the affiliation of another person in your space. If you don't know who you are and where you stand as an individual then there is no having a relationship with another person because it is destined to fail on the very basis that you can not sustain the basic rigors that is required to maintain a relationship, let alone live with a person.

You will have a good days and bad days. You will have days when you are fully engaged and other days when you might feel less inclined to be in that person's space. That's human nature. But if you are unaware of the core of who you are, you can never know what is common place occurrences versus real crisis that require your attention. You can't fake what you don't know. So I believe allot of your fear is in essentially understanding that this doesn't work unless you start facing what bothers you inside and make sure you understand what you are committing to. Are you committing to
this person and all of their personality ticks and habits that you likely don't know fully about? Or are you just invested in the good times and then want an out when reality sets in?

You have allot of work to do on yourself before you start worrying about the life span of a relationship. Until you know who you are and what you truly need, you can never know if the choices you make today are based more on internal deficits that could one day be resolved (thus eliminating the value of that person) or if you really understand that committing to another person means you are fully on board and ready to give of yourself and be understanding when they are not always on their best days.

If you truly care for this person and want a honest outcome, whatever that might be, you need to first be honest with yourself and then make decisions based on what you know versus what you want. Big difference. You don't sound like a person ready to live with another person. If your fear of telling him you're not ready to live with him makes you believe he would leave then you must ask yourself what his real worth is here. Is he committed to you or just what he wants? Take your time and examine yourself deeply before you worry about where he's going. If you have no real gauge on yourself, I can already tell you there is no real future to invest in with him. Know yourself and make that commitment before you walk the plank and make commitments to others you know you can't keep.
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Postby JuliusFawcett » Fri Apr 14, 2017 12:37 pm

Learning to accept ourselves as we are and learning to accept the world as it is brings a wonderful feeling of grace and peace.
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