Shocked at feeling jealous towards other family members

Postby Rose38 » Sun May 07, 2017 1:51 pm

I'm quite shocked at the feelings I've been realising I feel recently. And feel so embarrassed to even admit it..

I am realising I feel jealous of my (soon to be) brother and sister in law because I feel like we are just following in their shadow and will be for life! Always one step behind, we will never be the first to do anything in the family so it won't be exciting

I suppose this is how younger siblings feel of their older sibling?! And maybe that's why I'm not used to it because coming from the oldest in a family to now being with the 'second' oldest in a family I'm not used to having someone older than me 'doing things first'.. suppose its never had to cross my mind so hasn't bothered until now when it does, I do notice it... and it shocks and surprises me how I feel.

That despite doing our own thing at our own pace and time and in our own way I feel jealous that'll it'll always be behind them. They've moved first, got married first, had a baby first that everyones so focused on, they've done everything first, had all the excitements and attention, it feels like it has basically been about them for the past however many years since they moved, always what are they doing, on their terms, focused on their plans.

Especially when we always try to be so considerate and thoughtful, sometimes I think why do we bother! They've got the monopoly on the family now, always attention on them and whatever they're doing.

Maybe I should see it as it'll be more relaxed whenever we come to do our plans. And I don't like the attention so why does it bother me?! Would be glad of less fuss but just feels like nothing would be as special anymore our time round for anything. They're getting all the firsts of everything.. even down to my boyfriend holding his nephew, I can actually feel my stomach pang with jealousy when he's holding him and doting on him because it's all happening before we've had our own children... and we're not even thinking about all that yet!

How can I feel like that??? I feel so ashamed. But it just gets me.
I can't even bare to utter the words to anyone for what they might think. Or be honest to my boyfriend and say how I feel, I'd be worried he tell someone and others knowing.

So I struggle in silence any advice??
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun May 07, 2017 2:52 pm

Rose38 wrote:How can I feel like that???

So I struggle in silence any advice??


You feel like that, because somewhere in life you learned to believe life is a competition, that being first and receiving attention is important or to be valued. Where or from whom did you learn this? From your culture, your parents?

Your feelings are not uncommon. Consider the various sources and examples reinforced over thousands of years in religious texts and societal norms. If you are the first son you become king or emperor, while all other children have a different path solely based on the rank of birth. This has resulted in immense jealousy with often times death and destruction to follow as younger siblings look to gain the favored position.

You don't need to struggle. Rather, ask yourself if the above philosophy is true or functional? Is your life defined by attention, competition and being first, why? How else might you define your life? Is there a healthier, more functional philosophy you might adopt?
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#2

Postby Rose38 » Sun May 07, 2017 10:43 pm

Thanks Richard, I appreciate the historical context!! So it's not just me then?!! :lol:

But still I don't want to feel this way. And yet I can relate to when you say:

You feel like that, because somewhere in life you learned to believe life is a competition, that being first and receiving attention is important or to be valued. Where or from whom did you learn this? From your culture, your parents?


Like I said before being the oldest sibling in my family that is what you do isn't it, you set an example as the oldest so I've always worked hard, did well at school, always happy to help others, putting others first... yeah I suppose to please, to be kind. But also one side of my family has always been very critical of what we are always doing so perhaps the need to be good and please was how I learnt to be, coupled with just the fuss of being the oldest and the attention that brings with grandparents etc. And also my childhood experiences, we've had a lot go on and I had to be mature quite early on and be there for my mum so it made me feel so responsible.

And yet when you ask:

Is your life defined by attention, competition and being first, why?


I would say no, I try to steer away from it now! Not that I ever strived for it growing up, I was just the oldest. Now I dont like being the centre of attention at all. Growing up with it and realising I don't want all the fuss and actually hearing from my siblings as we've got older (and even from my mum saying the same about her being a younger sibling) jokey comments about it always being about me even if I'm not there! As I've got older I hate that thought, it's not fair or nice and maybe why I try so hard to help others all the time instead of anything about me.

But maybe that's why now with the shoe on the other foot in my boyfriends family where there is someone older who's doing everything first it makes me realise how that feels.

So why don't I emphathise instead of have such strong feelings that are really bothering me??... I don't know

I don't think it is about wanting attention in terms of a selfish 'look at me' way. It just feels like theres such an emphasis on everything they do, that now no one else can have those moments because its already happened in the family. We finally moved ourselves last year and got engaged but it feels like neither were celebrated in the same way as when they did it.

I hope this is helping me just to be honest and write this down because reading it I realise how pathetic and ridiculous it sounds. And that it does sound like I am just competing and comparing my life.
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