Do you regret being in denial?

Postby f/j » Thu Jul 20, 2017 5:46 am

OK, the original thread was deleted, probably because it was just a link with a really brief explanation, but as for my revised thread, here it goes: I do. One time on somewhere else on the Internet, someone told me that I shouldn't hate my old self because I didn't know better. To an extent, that was true, but I also stayed ignorant for far longer than I should have. I knew the truth in the back of my mind, and I just chose to ignore it.

BTW, I think what's sad was that I had this one chance to rearrange my life when I moved to a new school five years ago, but um, I blew it. I was so much in denial and I was still repeating the behavior that got me made fun of. It's like, I subconsciously expected to be made fun of, and yet I fooled my conscious that what I was doing was gonna make me popular, and that I could fool other people into not seeing how unlikable I was. Newsflash betch- and by betch, I mean my younger self, like, you're now dealing with people in their late teens, like, they're better mind readers than they used to be in elementary, or those days you long to be back in so much. Hell, you were in your early teens two or three years ago, and even back then, your peers were good mind readers already, like, three years ago, they guessed you were gay for some reason only heaven knows why, what makes you think that a bunch of people who are several years older than you were a year or two ago would be too stupid to guess?
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#1

Postby f/j » Thu Jul 20, 2017 6:09 am

BTW, I tried to edit my post, but lost the edit. I was gonna post a long and angry rant about my old self that I really put so much effort to. Like, I found my very own screed totes funny. :D
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#2

Postby f/j » Thu Jul 20, 2017 6:10 am

OK, I probably sounded really harsh to my old self, but I was just trying to be funny. Yes, I feel like crap, but don't accuse me of not loving myself. TBH, I could only be accused of hating my old self. OK, so I rationally know that I was only an emotional basket case with a bad life, and when it wasn't bad externally, at least it was internally, that's why I was in denial in the first place, but if I never learned how to be in denial, I wouldn't be like this today.
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#3

Postby f/j » Thu Jul 20, 2017 2:16 pm

People tell me that I was just young and stupid, but the thing is, I did things that I would have known were wrong when I was even younger. I mean, it's not just me who dislikes my younger self, my grade school self would also hate the person I was in between grade school and now.
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#4

Postby mindtester » Fri Jul 21, 2017 7:44 pm

I've been in denial before many times and would have to say that I regret almost all of those times. I try to keep a very open mind and allow multiple perspectives in, not that I let myself be influenced by all of them, but it's just good to know
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#5

Postby f/j » Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:40 pm

Like, I used to think everyone who said bad things about me was simply an obsessed hater. I didn't consider the possibility that perhaps these people were merely being annoyed by me and were only trying to express how annoyed they were by me in an excessively harsh manner.
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#6

Postby Candid » Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:57 pm

f/j wrote: I fooled my conscious that what I was doing was gonna make me popular, and that I could fool other people into not seeing how unlikable I was.


What makes you think you are or were unlikeable?
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#7

Postby HumanB » Sun Jul 30, 2017 11:15 pm

Forgive yourself and move on with life. Sounds like you've dwelled on that part of your past life enough already.
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#8

Postby f/j » Mon Jul 31, 2017 2:11 am

Candid wrote:
f/j wrote: I fooled my conscious that what I was doing was gonna make me popular, and that I could fool other people into not seeing how unlikable I was.


What makes you think you are or were unlikeable?

I mean, my behavior was just like this: Image
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#9

Postby Candid » Mon Jul 31, 2017 7:49 am

Maybe you've never had the attention you wanted.
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#10

Postby f/j » Wed Aug 02, 2017 3:47 pm

HumanB wrote:Forgive yourself and move on with life. Sounds like you've dwelled on that part of your past life enough already.

Only 'cause I have no social life, and therefore no closure and proof that people are not like the people from my past. I believe that if the first two or so years of my trauma still happened, but if I had never learned how to go in denial and my peers from 2012-2016 were as nice as I assumed they would be, I would not be here yapping about my lack of closure.
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#11

Postby f/j » Wed Aug 02, 2017 3:49 pm

BTW, as you could see, I am totally disillusioned about how good at reading minds people could be. Turns out you couldn't deceive most people into liking you.
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#12

Postby HumanB » Thu Aug 03, 2017 12:10 am

f/j wrote:
HumanB wrote:Forgive yourself and move on with life. Sounds like you've dwelled on that part of your past life enough already.

Only 'cause I have no social life, and therefore no closure and proof that people are not like the people from my past. I believe that if the first two or so years of my trauma still happened, but if I had never learned how to go in denial and my peers from 2012-2016 were as nice as I assumed they would be, I would not be here yapping about my lack of closure.

So develop a better social life, instead of hiding, instead of continually raising self-doubts, instead of beating yourself up (...about decisions/events which are past, gone, finished, done, no longer exist). What's stopping you? Fear of rejection? If so, that's a common fear, and like everyone else with that fear you are going to have to risk rejections (and learn how to cope with them) if you want to find out where you fit in and who you can connect well with.
If you develop a more accepting view of yourself, which is independent of how you perceive others to be judging you, that will strengthen & help you. When you practice better self-acceptance, as well as having more peace of mind you will also find that you are more open and relaxed with others and that in itself will help you to form better relationships.
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#13

Postby f/j » Wed Aug 16, 2017 4:59 am

OK, so my lack of social life will end soon, but let me just reiterate the gist of this thread: the people who came before the people I'm talking about here, they did not disillusion me as much as they could because they were so over-the-top in their meanness, and I thought I'd never meet such people again. At least they were mean to everybody. The people from my life in 2012-2016, they taught me that one could be nice to everyone else but mean to outsiders, and that even in the nicest of buildings, one could still find mean and classless people.
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#14

Postby f/j » Tue Dec 05, 2017 3:41 pm

Update: I now have a social life, but I feel like it's really structured and boring, and therefore not exactly closure-inducing.
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