Wife is a different person after her hysterectomy

Postby Sblack » Wed Jul 26, 2017 10:17 pm

It's been a long time coming, but I finally have the courage to reach out about this. About three years ago my wife had a partial hysterectomy, took everything except the ovaries. It was medically necessary. Since then, she has lost a tremendous amount of weight and gotten into very good physical condition.

But there is a big downside. She has also become very emotionless and angry towards me. She is distant and unresponsive, I feel like I have become her enemy. We have not had sex in almost 2 years and she has begun hiding things from me and I have caught her in a few lies, I have never confronted her about it though. I feel like she cannot even stand to be in the same room with me sometimes.

We had 16 years of a great marriage, we were happy and never fought. We have two wonderful children together. But since the hysterectomy, our marriage has gone straight downhill and she has become a very angry and defensive woman towards me.

I feel like I need to end things for everyone's sake before it gets any worse but I am still in love with her. I am rapidly losing hope she will ever come back to me. Is this a common side effect of a hysterectomy?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Jul 27, 2017 2:21 am

A common side effect of major life events is reflection. It sounds like your wife reflected on life and decided to make some changes which are now placing a strain on the relationship. It is not the hysterectomy, but the path she decided to take after a major life event. This path she may have communicated to you, but maybe not.

You say she became physically fit. Did she want you to also become more fit? Were you guys communicating at this time?
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#2

Postby rosersmk » Fri Jul 28, 2017 1:45 pm

What is her current age? If she is somewhere around mid 40's is could very well be pre-menopause issues. I know of many marriages that have ended or gotten very rough during this time. If that's what it is, it may pass, but it could take a little more time for those hormones to calm down. Research it, talk to her about it, and figure out if you can be patient with her while she's going through it. The hysterectomy could also have an affect on her hormones and emotions, but this might not be a forever thing. I divorced my husband during my worst hormonal years.... I didn't realize at the time that's what I was dealing with. He was a psychopath, so it needed to end anyway..... but I wish I had known what was going on with me.
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#3

Postby Sblack » Fri Jul 28, 2017 4:14 pm

She is 44, yes she is pre-menopausal. The hysterectomy did have a major effect on her life. That is exactly when everything started down hill. She has become a completely different person, she doesn't seem to care about family time or spending any time with me. She is always defensive and seems hateful. I am not claiming to be perfect, but I have given her everything for almost 20 years and have never raised my voice to her once. All of the sudden everything is my fault and everything I do or say is wrong. I even hear from other people that she does nothing but bad mouth me behind my back. A few weeks ago we went to her office to get something and I noticed that she has even taken down the pictures of me. Not sure how much longer I can stand this.
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jul 28, 2017 4:30 pm

Sblack wrote: The hysterectomy did have a major effect on her life.


Absolutely. It had a major effect. How much was the effect some sort of physiological change and how much is it a change based on the mental process of reflecting and resolving whatever other situational issues?

It is easier to point to the physiology. It is harder to acknowledge the situational impacts.

She has become a completely different person, she doesn't seem to care about family time or spending any time with me. She is always defensive and seems hateful. I am not claiming to be perfect, but I have given her everything for almost 20 years and have never raised my voice to her once. All of the sudden everything is my fault and everything I do or say is wrong. I even hear from other people that she does nothing but bad mouth me behind my back. A few weeks ago we went to her office to get something and I noticed that she has even taken down the pictures of me. Not sure how much longer I can stand this.


Is she targeting just you? It sounds like the hysterectomy was a catalyst that has her now resolving issues that have been developing over several years. It does not sound like she is treating everyone differently, just you differently. That is more situational than physiological.

I would approach this from two paths, (1) seek couples therapy and (2) encourage her to continue to be healthy.

Last, there is no fault or blame here. Relationships are tough, major life changes are tough. It simply sounds like the hysterectomy has been a catalyst for recognizing her own mortality and that life is short. She is not happy with the relationship and is struggling. This is not purely a physiological impact from the surgery. If you want to stay together you need to address the underlying aspects of the relationship that are not working for her.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Jul 29, 2017 6:27 am

Another thing to consider...regardless to what extent any changes are driven by changes in her physiology, there is no reverting to the previous her. You either change or move on. If you don't want to change, move on. If you want to stay together, figure out how you can change rather than trying to figure out how you can revert her, changing her back to who she was.
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#6

Postby Opinion » Mon Feb 05, 2018 4:51 pm

I am so very sorry for what you are going through, but I have to say I am not impressed at all by some of the "advice" you have gotten on here. I want to start off by saying that I had a hysterectomy myself back in 2010 so I can tell you that what your wife is experiencing is 110% caused by this surgery. The side affects are brutal, and leave a woman forever "altered" by the removal of sex organs. I don't know if your wife was made aware of the horrific side affects, but I know that I wasn't made aware, and had I been told I would have NEVER agreed to getting this "butcher surgery" done. Woman are lied to and told that their sex life will be the same, if not better than it was before, and that everything will be fine! These are HUGE LIES!!! Surgeons make a lot of money off of these surgeries at the expense of the woman, and her families. Woman need their uterus for the hormones it creates for the healthy function of all of her other organs including her brain, lungs and heart. A woman who has had a hysterectomy before the age of 50 is 3x more likely to develop heart disease! The removal of Ovaries is called Castration and can actually shorten a woman's life and greatly increases her chances of developing Parkinson's disease. The uterus and ovaries work together as a communication system, and work together to produce the right hormones a woman needs to function properly. This affects everything from a woman's personality to how her other organs function. Your wife is surgically "altered" and is no longer producing the hormones she needs to function properly, which has caused a huge personality change. I am so sorry that your marriage and family have been so negatively affected, but I am not surprised! This surgery should be a last resort! And 90% of these hysterectomy surgeries are un-necessary. Please contact the HERS foundation, and please watch the video attached on female anatomy to understand just how altering and devastating this surgery is to a woman. Do NOT go to the hyster sisters site for information. Also, please purchase the book written by Stanley West titled "The Hysterectomy Hoax". Please google Post hysterectomy skeletal and anatomical changes and read about what happens after this surgery, it is by a site called "Hormones Matter". Again, I am so sorry for what you and your family is going through, and I hope that you find this information helpful. God Bless!!!
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Feb 05, 2018 5:23 pm

Opinion wrote: I can tell you that what your wife is experiencing is 110% caused by this surgery.


Absolutely. The hysterecotomy had a major effect. How much was:

(1) the effect of physiological change and;

(2) how much was a change based on the psyche...the mental process of reflecting and resolving whatever other situational issues?

110% of the change. The two cannot be separated. Combined they make up the sum total of what is taking place for the wife of the OP.

Your situation points to the exact same 110% dynamic between changes to your physiology and the impact those changes had on your mental psyche, on how you framed and interpreted the world around you post operation. It has changed you, both physically and mentally.

Yet, this doesn't mean a hysterectomy causes a mental disorder. It means it is such a serious life event that can drastically alter a person's beliefs about the world, it can change their priorities, it can change what they believe important.

This is very important for anyone trying to understand why a person, such as the OP's wife changes her behaviors. It is much easier to focus in and attribute it all to the physiological changes post operation, while failing or ignoring to take into account the fundamental changes in beliefs that also takes place.
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#8

Postby Opinion » Mon Feb 05, 2018 7:00 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills - With all due respect, YOU are NOT a woman and therefore do not know what it is like to have experienced a hysterectomy (the removal of a woman's sex organs) and all of the physical and emotional consequences of having these major organs removed. You talk about the affects like you are speaking in regards to someone changing their religion or something and the comparison does NOT apply in this regard. The change does not have anything to do with a different world view post op, but the disruption of a woman's entire hormone production that affects how all her other organs work, and greatly affects her emotions as well. A woman's Uterus is her "Heart Centre" Cut this out and you change the woman. She is forever altered and this changes her ability to connect with others on an emotional level. Many woman suffer, as they no longer have the ability to connect with their spouse, their children, or friends. A woman's maternal instinct is also diminished, and socialising with others becomes hard. It blunts a woman's emotions to where emotionally she is very flat, and makes life for her seem dull. A number of women become suicidal because they now feel like they are living in a broken body, one altered beyond recognition, and to a degree they feel like the walking dead. They may be breathing and walking physically, but internally they feel dead! Hysterectomy's are one of the most over used medical procedures, and are really only necessary in 10% of all cases. The affects are very real and devastating for women and their families.
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#9

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Feb 05, 2018 8:00 pm

Opinion wrote:Richard@DecisionSkills - With all due respect, YOU are NOT a woman and therefore do not know


I don’t have to be a woman. The same way a woman doesn’t need to be a man to understand or have an opinion on the physiological and psychological impacts of prostate cancer, or any other gender based issue, a man doesn’t need to be a woman to have a credible opinion on issues related to women.

If we want to play the game of labels, where only the disabled can understand the disabled, if only those of a particular race can understand the struggles of their race, if only a person of a particular gender can understand the issues of a similar gender, and therefore all opinions outside of those that share a label together are disqualified, so be it. That is your belief. That is the world you live in and you choose to accept.

I don’t accept your premise. I don’t believe that a person must be of my gender to be qualified to offer up a credible opinion about an issue related to my gender. I don’t discount your opinion simply because you are a woman. I don’t think because you are a woman that your opinion has no value or is not credible, simply because you are a woman. I think you are just as intelligent and just as capable as learning about physiology and psychology. I think you can read, same as I can read. I think you can draw conclusions from what you have read, same as me. I don’t think you are disadvantaged in giving a qualified opinion, simply because of your gender.
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#10

Postby tokeless » Tue Feb 06, 2018 8:04 am

Opinion wrote:Richard@DecisionSkills - With all due respect, YOU are NOT a woman and therefore do not know what it is like to have experienced a hysterectomy (the removal of a woman's sex organs) and all of the physical and emotional consequences of having these major organs removed. You talk about the affects like you are speaking in regards to someone changing their religion or something and the comparison does NOT apply in this regard. The change does not have anything to do with a different world view post op, but the disruption of a woman's entire hormone production that affects how all her other organs work, and greatly affects her emotions as well. A woman's Uterus is her "Heart Centre" Cut this out and you change the woman. She is forever altered and this changes her ability to connect with others on an emotional level. Many woman suffer, as they no longer have the ability to connect with their spouse, their children, or friends. A woman's maternal instinct is also diminished, and socialising with others becomes hard. It blunts a woman's emotions to where emotionally she is very flat, and makes life for her seem dull. A number of women become suicidal because they now feel like they are living in a broken body, one altered beyond recognition, and to a degree they feel like the walking dead. They may be breathing and walking physically, but internally they feel dead! Hysterectomy's are one of the most over used medical procedures, and are really only necessary in 10% of all cases. The affects are very real and devastating for women and their families.



Equally you are not a spokesperson for all women just because you've had a hysterectomy. My mother had one and so have several women I know. They didn't die on the vine and say they found it better because they had less mood swings and physical issues. So, as unfortunate as it is that some women may suffer not all do. As for surgeons making money from these operations. That depends on your healthcare system. The NHS is free (currently at least)
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#11

Postby Sackomatic79 » Mon Feb 12, 2018 6:21 am

My wife had a complete hysterectomy about a year ago and I’ve seen many men post testimonials that sound like a carbon copy of my current situation. I’m also seeking similar advice. After my wife at her hysterectomy I tried to be supportive and do everything I could to make things easy for her but nothing ever seem to be good enough. She would spit fire at me about anything and everything and I let it slide thinking it’s just her hormones and she needs a little more time to get right and after about 6 months she told me that when it comes to sex, she could take it or leave it. That was a hard pill to swallow, and piled on top of all the cold, anger, distance and resentment has me almost broken. After a year nothing I do is good enough in the slightest mention that her hormones might be to blame sends her in a rage. Although I hate that your situation is so bad, makes me feel a little better knowing I’m not alone and all this.
Best of luck,
B
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#12

Postby Opinion » Tue Feb 13, 2018 5:30 am

Sackomatic79 - I am so incredibly sorry to hear what has happened to your wife, and how the side affects from her hysterectomy is now affecting your marriage. My heart truly breaks for you :cry:
Please have your wife contact the HERS foundation and get in touch with Norah Coffee. Your wife needs some counselling and help on what she can do to make things better for her. Did your wife have her Ovaries removed? If so, this is considered castration and is equivalent to a man having his testes/gonads removed. From what I have learned the ovaries produce the hormones that affect the female sex drive. Removal of the Ovaries will drastically reduce sex drive and libido in a woman. Please go on the HERS foundation site, they also have a short female anatomy video on how the female sex organs work and how important they are for lifelong health. I consider hysterectomy a "Butcher Surgery" that alters a woman forever! Removal of a woman's sex organs affects the very core of who she is, from her personality to her physical health. When you go on the HERS foundation you will see a list of the devastating side affects of this surgery. My blood BOILS at the fact that gynecologists do NOT inform women before hand of the horrific side affects of this surgery, because they know darn well women would NEVER go through with it if they were properly informed! I hope this information is helpful to you and your wife. God bless you both during this very difficult time.
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#13

Postby Stephmichel67235 » Fri Mar 22, 2019 8:19 am

I had a hysterectomy and I had everything removed accept for my ovaries as well. I think I mourned the loss of my uterus before I had the hysterectomy but afterwards, I had so much less pain in everyway, that I was kicking myself for putting off doing it for so long. However, I totally feel like the same me in everyway. I think everyone in my family would vouch for that. If anything, I'm more sexual and orgasms seem much more intense. I know being younger and not having gone through menopause, it's kind of scary to be forced to lose that capability of having children. I had three kids and no desire to have more. I was fine with my contribution to the world so I resolved it was right for me. I never had or have night sweats or hot flashes since I still have my ovaries. Now, sometimes I look at my tummy and see those incisions and think how can I now not have a uterus in there. It's a weird feeling and sometimes I feel sad but definitely not angry and not different. I know this is not something anyone ever wants to consider but are you completely positive that your wife isn't perhaps involved with someone else? I'm sorry. I don't wish to stir the pot, its just, her getting into shape, taking all your pictures down in her office, being unkind to you, hiding things from you, it all seems odd. In any other situation, most people would consider the prospect right off by her actions. In any case, I'm truly sorry you are going through this and I hope things get better for you soon. Hysterectomies aren't always devastating. Mine made my life so much better in every way but I know some women, sadly, don't say the same about their experience. I had the ultimate female surgeon who took great care of me. I do think it matters how skilled the surgeon is. There are so many nerve endings that, if the surgery isn't done right, those nerves can be severed. I made my surgeon well aware of my fears and she assured me over and over it'd all work the same. I was terrified of losing sexual feeling and sexual desire so perhaps four days after my surgery was done, I had to make sure everything functioned correctly and it did..and it's great and it's crazy all at the same time. I wish all women had the experience I had. When a woman loses the ability to feel anything sexually, It's almost like a man losing his prostate. She doesn't have to perform like a man but to feel is a huge thing. Maybe you both need to seek out someone that can help you communicate with each other to find out what's going inside her head. I wish you the best.
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#14

Postby Opinion » Fri Mar 22, 2019 7:29 pm

@BrokeSuicide - Yes, I also think Richard is a troll as well. And I think your conclusion about him practising "pseudo psychologist" is correct!
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