Feeling sad for no reason and not feeling particularly alive

Postby hateaddict » Tue Aug 01, 2017 4:55 am

Last time I used this forum I was hopelessly in love with an imaginary friend and it's since worn off, but other things have worn on.

I've lately just been being randomly shot with a depressed feeling and they've been lasting longer and longer lately. I was better for a little while when I was at school because I had my friends, but it's summer now and I don't get to see them that often. I know the things that make me feel better normally, but lately they've become somewhat useless. I'm not enjoying the things I used to do so much anymore and it completely tears me apart. I used to have a fiery passion for everything I loved, I've never been a half-assed person. At school with my friends, I feel this amazing and reckless feeling that's authentic to being a teenager, as adults put it. But I just put it as feeling actually alive. Lately, I don't feel all that alive. My day goes something like, wake up too early and stay in bed till I have the willpower to get up, wash myself, write a bunch of stuff and remember at around 13:00 I forgot to eat, try to find some musical motivation, write some more, and then desperately try to sleep but end up sleeping somewhere around 02:00 because my stupid brain won't stop talking.

I very much enjoy writing. That's really one of the only things that gives me any sort of satisfaction, or purpose, if you will. I just love talking about it, discussing and writing about things that I find fascinating, or things that I relate to, or things I think are important to write about. I write them in forms of stories, comics (technically that's the same thing as a story but whatever...and that includes art too which I don't always feel so accomplished about), and sometimes I just write it. I just spew all my thoughts on paper or in a Google document. I also just love words, I'm a logophile. Especially words that people don't usually use, basically synonyms, but synonyms are really just defined by what's conventional and widely used and what's not. Using unconventional words gets me really excited. It's just so much more interesting and vivid...it's just so much more alive, and I thirst for that when I don't feel alive. It makes me feel better temporarily, but when I have to do other things and I can't write, I just don't feel alright. Depression creeps up on me and leaves me staring at my ceiling, absorbed into musings of an existential crisis.

Has anyone else ever dealt with something like this? I surely can't be alone, even if I often feel unbelievably, desperately, and nothing other than alone. And I'd just like to know what helped you out of it, or what is helping you out of it. Sadly, this happens to me every summer because I only have friends at school who I can't see often. I miss them terribly. But I just want to see if there's anything that has worked for other people so I can try it because I'm getting pretty desperate, seeing that it's 00:54 and I cannot sleep at all over this.

xx
hateaddict
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#1

Postby Translucent » Tue Aug 08, 2017 10:53 pm

What's the reason you can't see your friends outside of school?
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#2

Postby hateaddict » Fri Aug 11, 2017 11:51 pm

Because it's extremely complicated to make plans and when we do, my mom doesn't always let me go even if she doesn't even give a reason for holding me back. It's very frustrating. Also more recently my best friend has been banned from contacting or seeing any of her friends because her parents are accusing her of dating my other best friend behind their backs (they're not wrong but having no concrete evidence won't stop them from grounding her). It seems to be that that's going to be the official death of me quite literally if dying inside counts. The ban was set only a few days ago and I'm already feeling deprived of her company even if it's only over text. I'm quite pathetic that way- I rely on my best friend to keep me from wanting to slit my wrists on a daily basis, but I try not to deprecate myself too much for it because it's just about the only thing that works and I'll take whatever I can get.
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#3

Postby Translucent » Sat Aug 12, 2017 9:41 pm

I think you're on a good path, things will work out when you go back to school, just have patience.
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