Ashamed of my past

Postby onlymyself » Sat Aug 05, 2017 11:19 pm

I'm 30-something woman and I'm still struggling to put my past behind me.

I made a lot of bad choices in my 20s. I partied way too hard and was pretty much an alcoholic. I can't even remember how many times I embarrassed myself in front of my friends&family by passing out, throwing up and being just an absolute nightmare when drunk. I could have done some much more in terms of studies and career if had a more normal mind set back then.

Looking back, drinking was my way to overcome my social awkwardness (only to make it worse) and depression. Growing up, I was always a quiet, lonely girl with no social skills who desperately wanted to have friends. Alcohol helped me to be more relaxed in social settings, however, I was abusing it to the point where I even took pride in how much I was able to drink. I am actually quite a tiny person but was able to drink way more than most men - and I thought I was so cool.

Fast forward, I have finished my studies and have a steady job. I'm healthy and haven't been drunk in years. I live abroad and was able to start fresh. My new colleagues and friends respect me and generally find me smart, kind, and responsible - and this IS who I am. I want to be the best version of myself and have made a lot of changes in the way I think and behave. That being said, I still struggle with my past. Whenever I visit home I feel so ashamed of my past. I always feel they still think of me as a train-wreck. When someone says "remember when we /you were partying ..." I want to disappear. I blush and start studdering. I'm about to go home, and as much as I love my family and friends, I am already dreading these conversations again.

How can put this behind me?
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Aug 06, 2017 7:37 am

onlymyself wrote:How can put this behind me?

By accepting it and embracing that is a part of what makes you who you are today. Don't run or hide from the past. Acknowledge it, talk about it, be open about it.

When someone brings up your past, don't feel guilty. Instead say, "Yes, I made some really bad decisions. That is life." Then immediately turn the conversation to the future.
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Postby Livetowin » Thu Aug 10, 2017 1:07 pm

One thing you have to remember is that life is not a perfect race. It's not about how we fall down but how we pick ourselves up that defines us. So based on your comments, you have picked yourself up and made the necessary reforms to get ahead in life. Be proud! In terms of how other people view that, who cares? It's how YOU see it, not others. Don't let other people define who you are. You only control yourself, so be the master of your identity as well.

If someone still brings up your past that's THEIR problem, not something you must answer for. And then I would ask myself why you have those people in your life anyway. People who only focus on negative aspects of others are often insecure people who feel unaccomplished, so they try to drag other people down with them. Don't keep company with people like that. You only service their insecurities and what good does that do you? All my best.
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