Fake Qualified Apologies As Anger Triggers Going Both Ways

Postby Leo Volont » Mon Aug 14, 2017 10:52 am

The Relationship Advise Books and YouTube Videos are bringing a certain kind of common communication form to light – the Fake or Qualified Apology. Examples of These would include:

I’m Sorry THAT YOU THINK I was rude to the Server. I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO KISS HIS BUTT FOR BRINGING US OUR FOOD.

I’m sorry that you think that I think your butt is fat. MAYBE I WAS JUST PREOCCUPPIED ABOUT OUR BALLOONING CREDIT CARD BILL FROM YOU BUYING ALL THOSE NEW XXL JEANS.

I’m Sorry that I cussed out your mother BUT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO FIND A JOB FOR THE LAST 18 MONTHS AND SO WHEN SHE IMPLIED I WAS A LAZY BUM, WELL SHE IS LUCKY I DIDN’T THROW THE TURKEY OUT THE WINDOW AND GO AFTER HER WITH THE CARVING KNIFE.

I’m sorry I was late getting to the restaurant BUT THE TRAFFIC WAS HORRIBLE. TWO LANES OF OCTOPUS DRIVE WERE CLOSED FOR REPAIRS. I GUESS I FORGOT TO PICK UP MY CAR AND LEVITATE HERE


Now I would suppose that the Fake or Qualified Apology has always been with us. It is used when one person demands an apology from another person who really isn’t sorry. But the Cornered Person uses the Fake Apology to acknowledge that the other person is upset while supplying a broad and decisive hint that he or she probably should just chill out. In short the Fake Apology is actually carrying some very valid communicative Content, and if one were to Absolutely Forbid “Fake Apologies” then it would be the devil to figure out how to replace them with a Form that could so efficiently convey the Same Message.

But the New Age is on another one of its All Goodness and Light Rampages to Purify the Hearts of us All by Demonizing anybody who makes a ‘Fake’ or ‘Insincere’ Apology. But, really, they aren’t even getting their words right. Indeed, I’ve only been referring to “Fake” Apologies so that everyone will know what I am talking about, but to be intellectually honest, these Apologies are not “Fake” and they are Certainly NOT Insincere. We should understand them as being “Qualified Apologies” which is the objective and none-judgmental Term for them. And when one looks at the actual Communicated Meaning and Intent behind the Qualified Apology, well it becomes difficult to see just how it could be considered ‘Fake’ or ‘Insincere’. For instance, when somebody issues a Qualified Apology which is certain not to please the Offended Party, with his or her foot tapping impatiently and with his or her arms crossed and closed in the stance of seething contempt, then you can be certain that the Qualified Apology is coming Straight from the Heart – even if it is the Heart of Defiance and Rebellion.

While Qualified Apology does acknowledge and in some measure satisfy the Demand for an Apology, it indicates some exasperation that a Demand for an Apology is being made at all. One might understand this in the context of Nobody liking to be bullied and made to grovel in order to appease what appears to be the unreasonable irritability of somebody else. So I believe that the New Age seems to be Going after the Victim in this Situation. If the New Age People are really SO Enlightened then why are they Power Tripping about Demanding Apologies. I can understand why the Qualified Apologist is bristling up about it. To Explain why the New Age is Taking the Wrong Side on this Issue, we probably would only have to refer to the Market Economics that Drive much of the New Age Orthodoxy. I would therefore suppose that Significantly More Insecure but Self Righteous Apology Demanders can be expected to Buy New Age Stuff then People who Make Mistakes once in a while but don’t think it is the End of the World. I personally will only begin to worry about the Moral Ethics of giving Qualified Apologies when perhaps Stanford University issues a Study proving that I am being naughty.

But NOW let’s look at these “Sorry” Conflicts in terms of Anger Management. Circumstances where the Qualified Apology appear can be seen as Trigger Events going Both Ways. The Demander is already Triggered because He or She is demanding an Apology for Whatever it is that He or She wants to pick a fight about, and when He or She gets an Qualified Apology in Response, which He or She is primed by all those New Age books and YouTube Videos into thinking of as “Fake” or “Insincere” then that would fire off an Escalating Trigger and we could expect an Anger Episode to flare up with Him or Her right then or there. On the other side of it, we have the Accused. He or She probably just wants to be happy and after being ambushed probably even thought about issuing a full unconditional surrender, but probably from Past Experience learned that if you Give a Full Confession you are likely to get Hanged for it. And maybe the Accused has some Pride and sincerely believes from his or her deepest heart and soul that he or she will be Damned in Hell before giving a full apology for Whatever it Was. That the Demander is Demanding and that the Accused is Defying also shows that there was probably already some existing Stress in the Relationship, and both parties may be irritable and on a short fuse.

So how do we handle this in the Anger Management sense? Okay, for the Demander, well, you should learn that if you don’t want to get Angry than stop picking fights. If somebody has done you wrong then WAIT for the Apology. If the Apology does not come and it deeply matters to you, then put that on the List of Reasons why you should End the Dysfunctional Relationship. You Can’t Beat and Twist Somebody’s Arm into being your Perfect Soul Mate. But otherwise and in the meantime you should be Cool, Polite, Pleasant and Cordial and bide your Time. Maybe your “Soul Mate” will surprise you and do something Redeeming if he or she has not grown wary and afraid of your Dark and Demanding Side.

Now about the Accused. You know you are already screwed, don’t you? You should know that whoever it is tapping his or her foot waiting for you to Apologize is already Triggered and Fired Up and Ready to Go. If you are a Chronically Angry Person, New to the Program, and know that you are easily Triggered, then you Need to Go into Adrenaline Shut Down Mode Immediately – Open your Mouth slightly so that there is space between your Teeth (teeth clenching means that Adrenaline is pumping into your bloodstream and you are ready to Blow, so if you catch your teeth clenching, then IMMEDIATRLY unclench them and the Adrenal Glands will take the Hint and stop Pumping), take Deep Breaths as though the air is coming In and Out of the Heart, and PRETEND to be Calm. Then say something like, “You know, I just remembered that I’m late for a Meeting. Catch ya later”, and beat a hasty retreat while you can still keep it together.

But if you are advanced in Anger Management then you might try to de-escalate the situation. Now If you really did do something unconditionally Wrong, for instance, the Power Company shut off the power after you promised to get up early and go and Pay the Bill, but you watched Cat Videos on YouTube all night (there is always One More, isn’t there?) and you overslept. Then, of course, you would issue a Full Unqualified Apology and try to make amends (damage control as we know it here at Anger Management), but still you would be allowed to remember that your Relationship Partner pounced on you and didn’t wait for an Apology that you probably would have initiated on your own, and you can put that on your List for why you need to End this Dysfunctional Relationship. But if you Know that you will be using a Qualified Apology, which would be the Opposite of De-Escalating the Situation, then you would probably start by saying that it makes you feel very uncomfortable to be put on the spot so suddenly but that you understand the other’s Need for an apology, but that you will need some alone time to figure out how to make the most perfect and satisfying apology ever, and then excuse yourself and leave. You see, You DON’T want to get into it right Then and There! You should KNOW by now that the other person is Spoiling for a Fight, and it’s not good Tactics to Let your Opponent pick their own Time and Terrain for Battle. So you put your Anger Management Training to work and retreat just like it would be good for any Newbee to retreat (in Anger Management we call that Avoidance, and from Newbee to Crusty Old Saint Like Veteran of the Anger Management Wars, sometimes Avoidance is still the Best Card in the Deck). Then it would be good to play for Time. For Normal Angry People we know of the Leaky Bucket Effect – that Nobody can Stay REALLY Angry for more than a day or two, and by day three most Chronically Angry People have completely moved on and are now angry over something else. So wait for the Situation to deflate all by itself, and deal with it later when Cooler Heads prevail.
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#1

Postby Leo Volont » Thu Aug 17, 2017 11:43 am

Oh, I am sorry about the words "Both Ways" in the Title of this Post, but I had written them hours before those Words would become synonymous with Evil and Bigotry.
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#2

Postby kyrani99 » Thu Aug 17, 2017 12:54 pm

Sorry Leo but your reasoning is not even realistic.
This:
"If the Apology does not come and it deeply matters to you, then put that on the List of Reasons why you should End the Dysfunctional Relationship. "

If someone is abusive and unjust towards me then why would I put up with them, why put them on any list? I would end the relationship! Trash them. One chance is all they get because the person, who is going to be abusive or unjust once, will do it again, given a chance.

"you should be Cool, Polite, Pleasant and Cordial and bide your Time. Maybe your “Soul Mate” will surprise you ." is also unrealistic, given of course that he/ she is humane. It is the same as saying to a guy who is getting knifed in the gut.. "just stay cool man and don't act out". If a person is being violated they will naturally get angry. It's nature.

And if this is true "and do something Redeeming if he or she has not grown wary and afraid of your Dark and Demanding Side" then obviously that person is inhumane so the problem is the foul games they are themselves playing and wanting to get a bite. In this case the soul mate need to start running and not ever look back.

The type of apology you're talking about sounds to me like one person baiting the other, so that the other gets angry. Why relate to a person who is going to bait you? That is no relationship but only suffering.

There are NO "Normal Angry People". People ONLY get angry when there are issues of injustice or they are being violated (which is unjust). Unless you are talking about inhumane people, who want to get their own way and have no regard for the other person. They will be angry when they don't get their own way, but the consideration and help should be given to the person, who is being abused.

The idea of an angry person is being promoted by psychology and more particularly by psychiatrists because it fits the medical model. We are supposed to be machines, i.e., meat robots, so the idea of any issue that causes a person to become angry doesn't add up. SO, it has to be biological.. adrenal glands overacting or liver glucose dumps or whatever. That way drugs can be sold and there is nothing wrong with a little profit taking in a capitalist world!

This too is mythology "Leaky Bucket Effect " People are angry while they are being maltreated somehow, whether obvious or underhanded. The abuse usually doesn't go on for ever. A new abuse is dealt out.

There are two problems that I see.
One is that we are faced with a growing sub-culture of inhumane people, such as psychopaths, narcissists, sociopaths etc., who want to control others so that they can manipulate them and thus are abusive or are abusive to get revenge when things don't go their way. And of course there is always the need of the quintessential.. their narcissistic supply! These people need to be given ZERO tolerance instead of calling them mentally ill and poor guys can't help it they got different brain structures and functions etc., etc.

The other is that in Western culture anger in particular, but also other emotions, are essentially taboo. A public display of anger earns disdain for the person angry, who is usually a victim of some abuse.

There is nothing wrong with getting angry and blowing your lid.
If the person is humane it would be all over in minutes hen he/she feels okay and get on with life.

If the person is inhumane and they boil over then he/she will try to use their underhanded games. In this case it is education of the humane public that makes the difference because when people know the games that are played they can stand against it and the inhumane implode.
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#3

Postby Leo Volont » Fri Aug 18, 2017 11:49 am

kyrani99 wrote:Sorry Leo but your reasoning is not even realistic....


I looked over my post again, and I am largely satisfied with my reasoning, but then it must be considered that I was also trying to present something Readable, that could be considered amusing here and there. Also I prefer to use Understatement where others might prefer to use Overstatement, but this is just a matter of Style and not one of Logic.

But I am glad that I gave you something that you could write about.
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