by Translucent » Thu Aug 24, 2017 7:19 am
Thanks for this, I read the entire article you linked and then some. Yes, I definitely have complex ptsd; I was emotionally abused growing up to the point where I now can't hold a job, I can't have an intimate relationship, and I can't go to school. I'm constantly thinking about death, more precisely my faith in God to rescue me because I feel I have no place here. I live off disability and take meds to manage my ptsd symptoms.
My dad was always a workaholic and nothing else - he didn't teach me anything I wanted to learn, in fact I wish I never had a father except for the fact that I became a more emotionally aware person because of the abuse. He couldn't even teach me to drive a car because he wouldn't listen when I asked questions. He ignored all my pleas, cries and depression, on the contrary - he forced me to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted; thereby taking all feelings of control over my own life away from me.
I was forced to do whatever my dad wanted me to do, but in a sneaky form of coercion so I couldn't complain to anyone about it. Every day I dreaded his coming home from work because I knew it meant him telling me to do what he wanted - and he liked to do huge projects all the time, as a workaholic, but not just that. Going to the swimming pool, hikes, church, whatever he envisioned, I had to do it as well. If I said no, he would bombard me with things like "you have nothing better to do", but usually it would be just "you're going, that's final" as he got more and more violent and demeaning. Whenever he came home, he expected everyone to stop what they were doing. I still remember when he admitted that he feels the need to control everyone; he literally believes that no one else can think for themselves, he admitted that.
My mom was and is still good to me, but failed to stand up to me against the monster that is my dad. I think she wants for things to be like they were before they had children.
Anyway, that's in the past but it really does give me flashbacks that haunt me. Having a father who was so hard-hearted that I lost the urge for self-preservation and developed my longing for death, made me a target for all the wolves out there who bullied and stepped all over me, which gives me intense feelings of shame.
But I will not cease in learning, and my experiences would make me a good counsellor for others, for as I mentioned, none that I met helped me at all so I could become one who could help others who are in a similar situation, just like Pete Walker.