Can't Sleep

[Translucent]

Hello, I am trying to change my life for the better by quitting cigarettes and binge eating at night (both made me physically and mentally unwell). However I'm finding that I can't sleep without those two things, especially the binge eating at night, which I used to cope with my mental health problems. I just don't know what to do. I take meds which used to help me sleep but now that I'm making these changes, they're not powerful enough but I don't want to go on stronger meds due to side effects.

My mind is always thinking and I'm finding it hard to relax, and as I look at the last 5 years, I feel ashamed of myself, but the problem is really surfacing now that I'm taking away what I used to cope with.

I'm worried that if I don't sleep I might relapse, but I really need to make changes. I don't trust psychiatrists because they just use drugs to numb people so they don't relapse, and that takes away a person's motivation to do what needs to be done. And psychologists aren't cheap and in the past I haven't found a single one who helped, and it was a waste of money and time.

I also have problems expressing myself and opening up about my problems because no one around me will hear it, they say see a psychologist.

Any advice?

[Candid]

My mind is always thinking and I'm finding it hard to relax, and as I look at the last 5 years, I feel ashamed of myself, but the problem is really surfacing now that I'm taking away what I used to cope with.

I also have problems expressing myself and opening up about my problems because no one around me will hear it...

Sounds like CPTSD to me. Pete Walker's your man:

The genesis of Complex PTSD is most often associated with extended periods of ongoing physical and/or sexual abuse in childhood. My observations however convince me that ongoing extremes of verbal and/or emotional abuse also cause it. Moreover as an upcoming article on my website will explicate, long-term childhood emotional neglect alone can also create Complex PTSD and a propensity to emotional flashbacks.

~ http://www.pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html

[Translucent]

Thanks for this, I read the entire article you linked and then some. Yes, I definitely have complex ptsd; I was emotionally abused growing up to the point where I now can't hold a job, I can't have an intimate relationship, and I can't go to school. I'm constantly thinking about death, more precisely my faith in God to rescue me because I feel I have no place here. I live off disability and take meds to manage my ptsd symptoms.

My dad was always a workaholic and nothing else - he didn't teach me anything I wanted to learn, in fact I wish I never had a father except for the fact that I became a more emotionally aware person because of the abuse. He couldn't even teach me to drive a car because he wouldn't listen when I asked questions. He ignored all my pleas, cries and depression, on the contrary - he forced me to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted; thereby taking all feelings of control over my own life away from me.

I was forced to do whatever my dad wanted me to do, but in a sneaky form of coercion so I couldn't complain to anyone about it. Every day I dreaded his coming home from work because I knew it meant him telling me to do what he wanted - and he liked to do huge projects all the time, as a workaholic, but not just that. Going to the swimming pool, hikes, church, whatever he envisioned, I had to do it as well. If I said no, he would bombard me with things like "you have nothing better to do", but usually it would be just "you're going, that's final" as he got more and more violent and demeaning. Whenever he came home, he expected everyone to stop what they were doing. I still remember when he admitted that he feels the need to control everyone; he literally believes that no one else can think for themselves, he admitted that.

My mom was and is still good to me, but failed to stand up to me against the monster that is my dad. I think she wants for things to be like they were before they had children.

Anyway, that's in the past but it really does give me flashbacks that haunt me. Having a father who was so hard-hearted that I lost the urge for self-preservation and developed my longing for death, made me a target for all the wolves out there who bullied and stepped all over me, which gives me intense feelings of shame.

But I will not cease in learning, and my experiences would make me a good counsellor for others, for as I mentioned, none that I met helped me at all so I could become one who could help others who are in a similar situation, just like Pete Walker.

[Candid]

Out of the Storm for you,Translucent. http://www.outofthestorm.website/

[DontRemember]

You better have a walk and air your room before going to bed or maybe listen to relaxing music or nature sounds. Anyway, try to avoid eating at night. Your story is pretty sad and I don't think you can coup with it by yourself. If you don't trust your psychologist you can have an online consultation, maybe even abroad. It's cheaper than a visit.