Girlfriends photos taken

[michaelxmck]

Hey there!

I'm in need of an advice. I'm in a relationship for nearly 4 years now with my gf who is 22 at the moment.
She is really pretty and got even more pretty the last two years. My friends were always having a look at her which is normal I think. Recently I found out something I didn't know about. Our core group consists of 5 people including myself. I know the other 4 for ages now.

When I was over at one of my friends his phone was at the table vibrating while he was out of room. When I saw who was calling, since it was another one of our friends, I was about to pick up. Right before I swiped over the screen the call ended and I came to the pin-locked lockscreen. I knew it was my friends birthday so I thought of calling the other friend back and typed it in. I directly landed on an app called Telegram which is a messenger app. I saw a few chats and a group that was called something like "mmm.." and had an old facebook profile picture of my gf as the group avatar.

I opened the chat to look what it was about and couldn't believe what I was seeing. They started off taking secret pictures of my gf when we were all doing things together and sending them into the group and then they rated it.
There were lots of pics and they always got worse like they had a competition. It started with uncountable shots when she was bending over down her blouse or of her donkey, then they had a lot when she was wearing leggings and even pictures taken up her skirt when we went out. The shots got more and more offensive until I saw a screenshot of a few folders that were definitely from my computer followed by hundreds of nude shots and videos, all in all 20 gigabyte of picture and video material that one of them must have copied from my computer when they had access and I had those folders hidden good on my hard drive.

I need advice because I don't know how to react. To me this is horrible and I've scrolled through the messages and it kills me to read what my friends are saying. They discuss what they wanted to do to her and commented on the material they got with nasty sh**. Also they have really lot of hardcore stuff and I know my girlfriend would break down if she knew someone else had something like that of her. I can't talk to my friends since seriously ALL of them are in that group and participating in doing this sh**.

I hope anyone had a similar situation or knows any advice. I don't want to lose my friends but I can't forgive them and I don't know even how to tell them. Should I tell my gf or not?

I'm glad for any kind of help! Thanks in advance!

[Richard@DecisionSkills]

Recently I found out something I didn't know about. Our core group consists of 5 people including myself. I know the other 4 for ages now.

I need advice because I don't know how to react. I can't talk to my friends since seriously ALL of them are in that group and participating in doing this sh**. I don't want to lose my friends but I can't forgive them and I don't know even how to tell them. Should I tell my gf or not?

What your "friends" did is horrible, demonstrating a lack of morals, integrity, etc. etc. And you have known them for ages? And up until you opened that chat you knew this young lads to be the most honest, decent, good hearted friends one could possibly want in life, right?

Wrong. I understand your friends violated your trust, yet I find it hard to believe you are the angel unaware he is associating with degenerates. You don't sound like a clueless person in the gang of 5. You don't sound like the one member of the cartel that says, "What, we deal drugs, that is what these guys do that I've known for ages? Wow, I had no idea, I'm shocked!"

Instead, it is much more likely you are very well aware of the degenerate behaviors your friends are involved in, but you never thought that your girlfriend, that you would end up being a target of that behavior. You thought you were part of the in crowd, a made man, there was trust that while they might objectify all sorts of other women, your girlfriend was off limits.

All of the above does not in any way, shape, or form excuse your "friends" behavior. But the post isn't about what your friends should do. The post is what you should do, given you say you don't know how to react.

The way you react is to go find new friends. You don't have to explain yourself to your "friends". You just leave the group, keep your secret to yourself. All you tell your girlfriend is that you were hanging around with people that are not a good influence and that they are not the type of friends you want to be around.

I really don't care if you have been friends with them for ages. If you don't want to lose them, then ultimately you will reap what you sew. A few years from now you will be shocked and asking how to react because unbelievably one of your "friends" tried to sleep with her. You will be asking, "How could this happen?" And then you will ask how not to lose that treasured friend you have known so long.

Stop hanging out with losers.

[quietvoice]

Right before I swiped over the screen the call ended and I came to the pin-locked lockscreen. I knew it was my friends birthday so I thought of calling the other friend back and typed it in. . . .

In many jurisdictions, there are laws to protect cellphone privacy, i.e., you may have performed an illegal act (if you didn't have his express permission). Be aware for next time.

[Livetowin]

Besides the obvious violation of trust and void of integrity, there's also a some huge breach of privacy here. Yes, you have every right to be pissed off and feel violated, but the way you came across it is eye opening as well. I think confronting them as if you need anymore answers to assess the truth is quite honestly a waste of time. I would unceremoniously drop them and move on with my life.

Knowing someone for a long time is not always an indicator of valid friendship or loyalty to one another. Sometimes its a great indicator of what you're not looking at as well. There's not a good reason for these associates of yours to have these pictures. Telling them what you know will not reveal any expression of emotion they have not already considered before they performed these acts. And apparently they have been doing it for a while. So your trust in them has been a nonstop violation. You have every right to just drop them and move on.

Perhaps a legal warning to stay away would be well serviced here, but I would not give much information with regards to your technique for discovery since they could also swing it in your direction. Most importantly you have the truth here. These are not only backstabbers, but perverted scumbags as well. The sooner you get yourself and your girlfriend away from them, the better off you will be. I'm sure you covet her affections more than their backstabbing tendencies, so there is nothing lost here except opportunities for additional disappointment if you allow them to hang around.

[michaelxmck]

I would unceremoniously drop them and move on with my life.

Thank you for the quick and useful reply, I hope to get more advice.

My biggest problems are that one of these guys dad is my boss, I got the job because of my friend. I haven't got even close to that much money I'd need to quit my job and move away. My girlfriend will definitely leave me and blame me partly for what happened which means I need to get all the pictures and videos off their computers and phones and tell her then.

New is, I talked to one of the guys. He was completely ashamed and handed me over the complete chat which was going back for about 2 years. What they wrote in there is basically unforgiveable and the things they did are out of any relation.
What I heard from my friend it didn't just stay at the watching that was were he stopped actively supporting it and just kept watching the group.

What do I tell my gf / when?
How do I go about my general life under those circumstances? I'm not really having job options to be honest.

Thanks in advance!

[Richard@DecisionSkills]

My biggest problems are that one of these guys dad is my boss, I got the job because of my friend. I haven't got even close to that much money I'd need to quit my job and move away.

Keep working, start saving money and put out resumes. Reach out to family if you need to for support.

I need to get all the pictures and videos off their computers and phones and tell her then.

Getting all the pictures and videos off their computers? That isn't going to happen and you know it. And if your girlfriend knows anything about technology, she will know it as well. You can't trust these people you keep referring to as friends, so you can't trust there not to be backups and backups of the backups on hard drives and in the cloud. You can also not trust that some if not all pics/videos have already been shared with a 6th, 7th, 8th....X other individuals outside the core group.

What do I tell my gf / when?

If you honestly feel that you did nothing wrong, then you being hacked and files stolen should be explainable to a girlfriend, but why tell her? So she knows she has been violated? I'm not saying there is never a reason to tell her, but rather what are you trying to accomplish by telling her naked pics and videos of her might be circulating on the Internet? Unless you have a plan on pursuing legal action against these people, or you think she will want to pursue legal action, what will telling her accomplish?

How do I go about my general life under those circumstances? I'm not really having job options to be honest.

You go about general life by not associating with these people. You live, you learn, you move on with life and find better people to call "friends". You create new job options by saving money, apply for a school or vocational training, you network and put your resume out there, you sacrifice by getting a roommate to split the bills, etc. Within a month or two you should have savings, support, and resources to find a new job or career path.

[Livetowin]

In terms of telling her I would get out of this realm of thinking you can control that. I tell people all the time... YOU ONLY CONTROL YOURSELF. What will this girl think if you tell her? She'll likely react like anyone would with outrage and embarrassment. But then again I'm not one who really finds sharing nude photos on a digital device as a smart move. So if you feel she might assign the chief amount of blame to you, there's also a universal risk that common sense says she should KNOW she took in agreeing to do that anyway.

But however she's going to feel is how she's going to feel. It's a lesson for both of you to learn. If she wants to give all the guilt to you, that's her problem, not your cross to bare. She'll have to learn that lesson again someday if she can't see the wisdom in doing these things without digital interference. Does she need to know? Well ask yourself that question. If you were her and your friends were checking you out in the nude and you found out your partner knew about it and said nothing, how would you feel? Probably even more violated. It would also probably service the notion your partner was a willing participant instead of a victim with you.

So can we be honest here? The notion she will likely never find out is virtually impossible with so many people having them in circulation. That train has left the station. But lets say it was only one picture and only one other person had it. Is that reason enough not to tell her then? Who would know? Well let me tell you. YOU would know and that should be enough. Integrity starts with who it is you are when NO ONE is looking. We talk about your friends lack of integrity. Where is yours in this? Are you honestly going to let this girl walk around in the company of these perverts and think that's okay to keep your interests preserved? Is that integrity? No it's not.

If you say you are a good person and a well intending person, then you need to do what is right. What is right is she needs to be told and let the chips fall where they may. That is YOUR responsibility in this. Her responsibility is to confront the people who stole them and decide how she wants to feel about it. If she wants to take it out on you, then I think you need to know that is the person she is. What you need to preserve here is the truth of your circumstances and not a covered up perception. If you think you will lose her, then what makes you think you would keep her knowing all this? If I'm going to lose, I want to lose doing the right thing. That way I can stand up and say I was accountable for myself. Will she be accountable as well? Will she place accountability on the others as well? Lets find out. Either way you only control yourself. Lets see if she can execute control as well. It's a good measure as to what kind of person she is.

[quietvoice]

There were lots of pics and they always got worse like they had a competition. It started with uncountable shots when she was bending over down her blouse or of her donkey, then they had a lot when she was wearing leggings and even pictures taken up her skirt when we went out.

When she was bending down, etc., how does she not know pics were being taken . . . I think she knows and revels at being part of the exhibition . . . what do you think about that idea?

The shots got more and more offensive until I saw a screenshot of a few folders that were definitely from my computer followed by hundreds of nude shots and videos, all in all 20 gigabyte of picture and video material that one of them must have copied from my computer when they had access and I had those folders hidden good on my hard drive.

Wait a minute . . . W H A T ? ! !

How are these people still a consideration in your life? (number one)

(number two) You have plenty of nude material on your computer, that some of [any of these pics] is of your girlfriend, how does that make things different?

[colinberry1]

Wow a little nasty, a bitter pill to swallow, you may have to tell your girlfriend the situation, and see how she reacts, she may be encouraging them, if she's not frantic by their behaviour, if she just ignore it, you may have to consider now which friend you keep, she may bring it all out in the open, for you all to realise what happened between your friendship, good ones would apologise and feel ashamed to what they have done, it is best to put it all behind you, as immature behaviour, but now that everybody knows it should not be allowed to carry on, loose the friendship with those who don't respect the both of you now.

[michaelxmck]

In general: Thank you all for your replies. I'm really glad I'm not alone.

Reach out to family if you need to for support.

They can't really support me financially only mentally. But I can't talk to them about this.

You can also not trust that some if not all pics/videos have already been shared with a 6th, 7th, 8th....X other individuals outside the core group.

That's what I thought of. But right now no one except one of them knows that I know so they probably won't have extra saved it for the reason of it getting deleted? That was my hope.
Also while I was talking to this one guy he said that when it started with having a group for all the content they swore to never tell anyone about it to save it's existence. That could be a logical reason for not sharing it for some, couldn't it? With the thought of always getting more or something?

but why tell her? So she knows she has been violated? I'm not saying there is never a reason to tell her, but rather what are you trying to accomplish by telling her naked pics and videos of her might be circulating on the Internet? Unless you have a plan on pursuing legal action against these people, or you think she will want to pursue legal action, what will telling her accomplish?

I understand that as well but I think I see no chance if she ever finds out and didn't tell her. I don't want to lose her that way although honesty might or might not end up in the same result and I'm right now considering your advice, since she has a peaceful life until then / forever.

You go about general life by not associating with these people. You live, you learn, you move on with life and find better people to call "friends". You create new job options by saving money, apply for a school or vocational training, you network and put your resume out there, you sacrifice by getting a roommate to split the bills, etc. Within a month or two you should have savings, support, and resources to find a new job or career path.

Money is really difficult right now. Roommate is my girlfriend (we live together) and that's on the brink. I work for my friends dad quite some time now and have a chance to get in a better position the next few months although I don't know if I can still work for him after the incident.

Are you honestly going to let this girl walk around in the company of these perverts and think that's okay to keep your interests preserved? Is that integrity? No it's not.

About keeping my friends. People make mistakes, everyone does. The thing I wanted to hear is somebody saying that there is a chance. The one of them I talked to for example. I have no contact to all of them back to the day he showed me everything. He texts me messages everyday with how sorry he is and how he doesn't want to lose me as a friend and doesn't get a reply from me. I want to hear that people are able to change, like work off their fault. I don't know yet if I get over such a violation and something like that is possible.

Her responsibility is to confront the people who stole them and decide how she wants to feel about it.

That's exactly what I thought, she deserves that. Yet, the result is the same like Richard described. I can either give up my integrity and say nothing and probably keep her away of the never ending feeling of being exposed and violated. Or I do say everything and keep my integrity.

I think she knows and revels at being part of the exhibition . . . what do you think about that idea?

I think she didn't know. Like she is the girl that always has a positive way of looking at everything. That also makes her pretty naive but I always liked that, she is a girl you can have real fun with. I'm her first boyfriend. All those characteristics never made her an easy-to-get girl for guys. Although she is naive she is intelligent enough to say no, to say it in a normal way.

When she was bending down, etc., how does she not know pics were being taken . . .

Most pictures were made while we were out and drunk or like right before. And after the first pics which were mostly blurry or from a little more far away, they did start to plan those pictures and videos they made.

I can't post the pics and videos but will give you a few examples:

She wore a tight black yoga pant while going out once and a loose shirt. We were playing the old game twister as a drinking game where you would drink when you fall. We were all sitting round the game field and when me and my girl were quite drunk they just spinned the wheel and made calls that weren't on it but just for the positioning purpose of my girl. One of them sat behind the field and texted the one that called where he needed what part of her body, always considering that me and her where looking away from him. They spreaded her legs and her shirt was hanging down so he had a full view from the back and could take lots of pics under her shirt and of her thong and donkey that you could clearly see when the material of the pant was stretched that much.

A lot of pictures they just randomly dropped things and asked her to pick it up for them while the others took pics under her skirt, down her shirt or somehow else which can also be pretty revealing with the right angle and clothing.

They had their phone hidden on toilets and once she took a shower at a friends place where they just left their phone hidden in the bath. They tried to take pictures from outside of our apartment and got her a few times walking in underwear.

After they stole the everything off my computer they looked for a next level. They had nudes on their phone and took pictures of the opened nude image on the phone with me and her in the background.

The last thing they planned was a few weeks ago - I was even with her in bed. Like we were drinking at our place for my birthday and they totally got me and my girlfriend wasted. They acted like they were drinking and played being drunk. The one friend that was at home because he wasn't with them at the plan got like "unwanted" updates to see what he was "missing". He didn't reply them at least.
The last thing I remember is one of them had some marijuana and we smoked that on the couch. They took pics before and after we passed out, they just smoked a little bit themselves. Like 10 minutes later they recorded a video of how they lifted me into the room and how they lifted her. They first dragged me to my room, shouted and gave me a few claps on my cheek but I was totally away and can't even remember that, I have just seen it on the video. That was the first time they went one step further. Two of them lifted her and one was recording. You can see them holding one arm one leg each one and she had a dress on. They pulled it up, spreaded her legs, pulled her thong and bra aside and had her in several explicit positions with only half of her clothing on before they finally laid her down.

What I'm trying to say is that it looked on none of the pictures or videos that she would know about it and I also do not consider her to be that person.

You have plenty of nude material on your computer, that some of [any of these pics] is of your girlfriend, how does that make things different?

You misunderstood. Those were pictures and videos that was either just her or us together in that particular context.
On our computer where all of our pics are I created a hidden folder within of a folder of a lame sounding trip we had and put everything in there. They must have made it visible AND look through all of our pictures to find them but they did.

for you all to realise what happened between your friendship

I can't tell what happened. The only explaination I have is that they got like caught in the hype. I mean they had seen everything that's possible because our private photos and videos covered like everything you can find in porn - it was like our intimate hobby to watch a porn movie and replay what it showed and at some point we started recording it. I know it's basically always stupid to do so but it wasn't something we sent like over the internet or something it was only shots from our DSLR that we copied to the computer.

That said, they still shot pics of her donkey in jeans etc.
My biggest worry is that there was no limit that was recognizable until the last time they did something. They weren't like okay we have seen it and stopping it.
Referring to what I wrote above what happened on my birthday. They first time really spreaded her legs actively and pushed their face to her naked breast and vagina while carrying her and everything on purpose. I could hear them whispering and one of them wanted to stick his fingers in but the other ones said no because they were afraid of one of us waking up.
I don't want them to get legal problems and I'm sure my girlfriend wouldn't either since her uncle was 2 years in jail and told her what it was like and we were all like best friends but what I also do not want is things like that. I will get rid of the 3 on the video anyways it was a hard time watching it without saying anything to them but I'm not sure about the 4th.

[Richard@DecisionSkills]

WTF!? You are describing people intentionally getting you and your girlfriend to pass out, then getting your girlfriend in sexually compromising positions, undressing her, making a video of it, and you don't want these people to get in any trouble?

Look, you obviously seem to struggle with doing the right thing. Your integrity is basically shot. You need to tell your girlfriend and let what happens to happen. Let her decide how she wants to proceed, how she wants to move forward in life.

You made a huge jump from them getting access to naked photos to now these people committing criminal acts. The reason the one guy keeps apologizing is not remorse, it is fear of the potential consequences both criminal and civil.

Just my opinion, but it is said to see such a lack of integrity on your part, protecting people that violated you and another person in multiple ways across multiple time frames. If you want to continue to be friends with these type of people that is your choice, but you girlfriend is currently an innocent, unwitting victim that has know idea of the predatory nature of your "friends". If you have integrity, you go immediately to this victim and tell her what has happened to her.

[Richard@DecisionSkills]

I don't know your country/state/region, but where I was an officer they would have committed at a minimum assault as well as invasive video recording.

http://www.statutes.legis.state.tx.us/D ... /PE.22.htm
http://www.statutes.legis.state.tx.us/d ... /pe.21.htm

Most countries/jurisdictions have similar laws.

This woman is a victim of multiple crimes. Previously I was willing to look at the taking of sexy pictures, e.g. her bending over in yoga pants as deplorable, but not criminal. I was willing to treat them accessing your photos as you being the victim of a theft you didn't wish to prosecute. She was not a victim, as they did not steal from her, they stole from you. Once again, a deplorable act against a person (you), unwilling to consider these "friends" what they actually are. But now you are telling me they are people that have committed some serious criminal acts against a woman.

You need to tell her and let her decide what she wants to do. At this point, you are covering up a crime. You deleting the videos is destroying evidence of a crime. You are now committing a criminal act.

[michaelxmck]

I don't know your country/state/region, but where I was an officer they would have committed at a minimum assault as well as invasive video recording.

Most countries/jurisdictions have similar laws.

This woman is a victim of multiple crimes. Previously I was willing to look at the taking of sexy pictures, e.g. her bending over in yoga pants as deplorable, but not criminal. I was willing to treat them accessing your photos as you being the victim of a theft you didn't wish to prosecute. She was not a victim, as they did not steal from her, they stole from you. Once again, a deplorable act against a person (you), unwilling to consider these "friends" what they actually are. But now you are telling me they are people that have committed some serious criminal acts against a woman.

You need to tell her and let her decide what she wants to do. At this point, you are covering up a crime. You deleting the videos is destroying evidence of a crime. You are now committing a criminal act.

I'm not from Texas but thank you for the information. I will look into that as well.
I haven't seen it from this point but I actually told my girlfriend about it yesterday because it got just too much for me and it turned out to be the best thing to do.

She said that it wasn't my fault but theirs. She wants to keep the one friend who wasn't there out of legal trouble if possible , but doesn't want to see him again, which I agreed of and will follow up on. The other three are going to get whatever it is and whatever happens with my boss will happen. I'm like thankful that I can keep her and that she actually was shocked at first but angry afterwards so she is actually pissed off instead of breaking down and I support her with whatever she decides to do. She has an appointment with her lawyer and wants to get information that applys from where we come first.

I think the problem with the files could have solved itself. The one I was talking to texted me when she texted them and said they deleted everything out of panic. Yet I have given my girlfriend everything he gave me so she can still decide.

I'm right now just happy about the situation with my girlfriend since knowing she is still there when something really bad happens and giving her the feeling that you fully support her is bringing us even more together.

Thank you guys for helping me to survive this sh** and deciding the right thing.
I really appreciate it and hopefully this site is still there when I'm in deep struggle again.