relationship problems

Postby Kate » Mon Sep 11, 2017 2:26 pm

hello, my boyfriend and I have been together since school, we have been together for 12 years, and we have been the only couple we have ever had. He had to go to another country for work, for 4 years, and I decided to go with him, we have been living together for two and a half years (we had not lived together before). He and I have a good relationship, we love each mother, we do not argue much, and despite living in another country we have been well. Or that was what I thought, 8 months ago he began to talk to someone by the cell phone, I knew it was someone in our country, because of the change of schedule, when it became clear that he talked a lot, I, asked if he liked someone else, He said no. The months passed, and I checked his cell phone, he was exchanging messages with another woman, who turned out to be her second cousin, saying that they wanted to get together, that they care for each other, etc ... which was very shocking and painful for me. When I confronted him, he told me that it was just some messages, that in reality they could never be together because they are family, that he was sorry, ir I could please forgive him, that he loved me, that he didnt really cate for his cousin, trata she started it, and he just follow her. I forgave him, the truth is that the idea to end . I forgave him, the truth is that the idea of ‚Äč‚Äčending with someone who I had always thought that it was the love of my life, and feel the failure that the relationship did not work is very great for me, I leave my work for him, and currently I do not work. the fact of returning to my country, tell them all that it did not work out, I just Felt really bad. I must say that months before this crisis began, I told my boyfriend that I wanted to have a child, and he told me that he was not ready yet. The relationship continued well, we were even more united, until three months later, he tells me that several people had told him that they could not believe that he was only with me, that he had to experiment With more women etc, and asked me for a time, which I opposed, I told him that if I wanted to be with other women that was not a time, and that it was better to end this.
he panicked, he told me that he knew that I was the woman of his life, that he wants me to be the mother of his children, that I was too good, and he decided not to take a break. Short story, the cousin came to the country, and he told me that they were going to get together to talk, that nothing was going to happen, that even if I wanted to go with him i could, I obviously did not wanted to go, and he went to find her. When he returned, he told me that nothing had happened, that they had only spoken, the next day he was leaving her at the airport. When he returned, I told him that I was stupid, that I obviously went along with her because He wanted to see what happened, that I was very permissive, that these months I've only tried to trust him again, and he just makes me feel insecure. He told me that he had been selfish, but that he has never been unfaithful to me, and that nothing happened, that he wanted to know how he would feel if he saw her, but he didnt feel anything.
two weeks later I read an email, he wrote that I could not stop thinking about her, that he wanted to be with her and see what happened, that he had a hard time finishing the relationship with me, but that he believed he could do it in October and that he would travel to see her, She told him to break up with me first. I almost died, because I kept trying to be with someone who clearly did not want to be with me, I called him and I told him it was over. He came home and started to cry, he did not know what was happening to him, he did not really know what to think, he knew that the thing with his cousin's something stupid, he was very bad to me and selfish, that he thought he wanted be with any woman for the experience, but then come back with me, to please do not leave me. I told him that he and she were sick. He convinced me to stay and so he could think better, that it was only something virtual, that he had never been unfaithful. The truth is that writing this is stupid, but I really love him, and I feel terrible, I can not find meaning at anything, I do not know who I am, I fiel like I los myself. I thought we were good, the truth is that we were never wrong in the relationship, se hace fun with our friends, out sex life is good, we laugh together, I mean...I dont know. I have 30 years old, I feel really bad, I've cried a lot, I do not know why I still think we can be well and solve it. IS true that we are missing out things because we havent been with anyone else? IS every men unfaithfull al some point? I feel I cant talk to muy friends because they Will judged me for still trying, that is why I came here. I really feel very ashamed. Am I too wrong?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Sep 11, 2017 3:01 pm

Kate wrote: ... I almost died, because I kept trying to be with someone who clearly did not want to be with me...


Correct. He clearly does not want to be with you. Stop taking him back. He clearly does not want to be with you. Do you not believe yourself?
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#2

Postby Livetowin » Mon Sep 11, 2017 3:37 pm

A couple of truths you need to start embracing - The first being you need to define yourself, instead of letting others do it for you. The second is this relationship has been off in the ditch for some time. Time spent is not always an indicator of loyalty earned. Sometimes it's a marker of denial applied.

It appears you place too much weight on how you think you look in this relationship to others. That's a huge mistake. The only perspective that counts are the two people in the relationship. This individual has deliberately lied to you on multiple occasions about his commitment to you. The idea that he would chase after his cousin is both disturbing and troubling. And even if there was no romantic interest attached, there's still an ongoing problem with him having very deep reaching conversations with her that seem to indicate he is not fully vested with you. In other words he goes outside the relationship to discuss matters that should be contained between the two of you.

His reaction is all insecurity based and not something I would deem moments of regret. You also hang on those reactions to keep yourself in this situation you should otherwise not be in. It sounds as if you have hedged your future on this notion that staying with him somehow defines you. What you're experiencing is the cold truth that others can not define you. Even if the relationship was healthy, which this one is not, you can not place your sense of self in the shadow of others. You except his sad excuses because you don't feel you have other options that cater to your comfort zone. Guess what? Time to get uncomfortable.

His insistence in going outside of the relationship will eventually find it's way clear. The fact that you are catching him each time is not indicative of someone wanting to stay, so much as him finding new ways to cover it up. I think you need to quit worrying about what others think, how they see you, or if they will feel different if you leave this union. This man is not loyal to you and is only keeping you until he finds something different.

And no its not true that "every man" will eventually be unfaithful. And how does that broad stroke of the brush help your situation? Stereotyping the gender does not remove the choices he made when he was lying to you. And if your friends will judge you for asking honest questions about a truly troubled relationship then these people are not your friends either. Sounds like you're surrounded with allot of superficial people who measure worth according to what you have on the outside. Sorry, but that's a check you will never be able to cash.

You need to define yourself. You also only control yourself, not others. Quit letting others define you and if people around you pass judgement because you want to be happy then be rid of them. They have done you a favor by letting you know they are superficial, because a real friend would never take that position with you.

Don't live a lie. Learn to love yourself, because if you continue on this journey of denial, one day you will find your partner not interested in staying with you and not regretful of the next action of deceit he commits. Open your eyes to the truth of your circumstances and learn to stand on your own. You can not see clearly around you if you do not know where you stand yourself. I wish you all the best.
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