Negative Self-Confidence spiral

Postby Born2Brookie » Wed Sep 13, 2017 7:51 pm

Hey everybody!

The case is that I feel I my self-confidence is decreasing. Long story "short":

I used to be a short (173cm), skinny guy with glasses, who was not really good with women, but at least I am pretty social and was getting along well with people. I managed to attract a cute, nice girlfriend anyway - we stayed together for 6 years, then she broke up with me. I was feeling really bad for a while, started to do some sports, stopped smoking and was getting in shape.

It was still hard to meet girls. People would describe me as a funny guy, but I am not too good at flirting though... Anyway, I managed to pick up another girl, who was reaaally beatiful and hot . I couldn't believe it. It lasted around 6 months and she broke up with me. During the time we were together I was feeling super confident and was feeling the attraction from the girls in the office and parties, but was not interested as was in relationship. I still was keeping up with sport, got in decent shape so was feeling pretty good about myself. I had an affair with another girl who was really into me, but I was interested in her mainly because of sex, so decided to quit and search for a partner who satisfies my other needs as well.

That was 2 years ago. In the beginning of that period I had a couple of dates which did not really evolve. Once there was a 1 night stand which was cool, but pretty much that's it.

And in the last 1 year started to become worse. Despite the fact that I'm still doing sports, got a really cool job, travelling a lot, I am feeling that the girls are less interested in me,so I start to loose confidence and because of it I feel even less interest from girls because of what I loose confidence etc.. the spiral goes on.

I tried online dating as well, and getting around 1% response rate... I would like to think that my messages are neither creepy or boring... so there must be some other reason.

I wonder what is the problem! I understand that it's kind of a weak to wait for girl's approval and I shouldn't depend on that. But the lack of respond on online dating sites makes me think I don't look good and/or that I am short.

On the last date, I spent few hours with a woman, who refused to meet me again, saying: "You are really really sweet but bla bla..." It felt like kicking in my balls..

I know that I must man up, get my sh** together and keep trying, but had to get off this of my chest!

Thanks for the forum and all the best to you!
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Postby cynthialeighton » Wed Sep 13, 2017 8:54 pm

Born2Brookie wrote:The case is that I feel I my self-confidence is decreasing.

How about exploring other areas of your life for a while?

Partly to start climbing up, partly to get joy and peace into your life, and partly to get you out of today's situation.

For example, maybe take a break from seeking any dates, and instead, look into what you want your life to be like, independent of that aspect of life.

Invest time to figure out what you want to do for a few minutes a day this week.

Then begin experimenting with one of those today in some small way.

Allow yourself to focus on finding more of what you're interested in and on beginnning to get active in those things.

Confidence tends to grow from doing what matters to you -- and as you do more of that, you'll gain experience connecting with people and you'll start an upward self-confidence spiral.
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Postby Livetowin » Fri Sep 15, 2017 3:04 pm

Your primary issue is you define yourself as you perceive others to see you. Have you ever wondered why others "suddenly" seem attracted to you when you're dating someone? It's because your confidence meter is turned up so you're looking at people and their reactions in a different light because you feel wanted by the person you're dating.

If you want to get off this cycle, the first thing you need to do is look inside yourself and start asking who it is you actually are. I don't mean for the sake of a girl's attraction. I'm talking about who actually resides inside you? What do you like about yourself? What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? What can you improve on that you want to for YOUR reasons, not for others? You need to start this dialogue with yourself because before you can assess what is on the outside, you must get your own back yard in order on the inside. Why? Because until you understand who you are and what you really like (and don't like) there is no way for you to read the intentions or actions of others around you.

How is that so? Because if you spend time looking at people to gauge who you are, then you have no objective point of view to see them as they are. You're too busy looking for affirmation instead of weighing if this is a person you even need to be around. Self-worth lives on the inside, not what comes from the outside. That is why you take interactions personal because you think their actions are a reflection on your failures. That's backwards from how you should be seeing things.

When you talked about meeting someone for a few hours and then they essentially blew you off by saying you were too nice, why do you wear that as shame? YOU JUST MET THIS PERSON. How does a stranger have your self-worth in the palm of their hand after three hours? Because you gave it to them. And that's the problem. When you start looking at people like you have to sell yourself, that probably comes off as less than authentic as well. So you need to step back from this misguided process you're in and find out who it is you are. So the next time you go out on a date, your assessing them instead of fumbling over words and one-liners to make an impression on them.

I live by two rules in life. People who read my responses can sing it in harmony, because I bring it up in most of my answers - You only control yourself and you never let others define you. This is what you need to do. Quit trying to control the outcomes of meeting people. Control yourself. Be YOU and nothing less than you. If they get up and walk away, that's great! Because you KNOW that person was never going to work regardless.

The other thing is when you are 100% authentic there's allot of weight taken off your back because you're there to enjoy yourself and assess them, not put on a performance. Be YOU and operate in the world of YOU. What you'll learn is the longest lasting relationships had NOTHING to do with what you wore or if you always said the right things every time, or if you were actually funny when you sounded stupid. It's not a perfect race and it's not about show. It's about being REAL. It's about knowing who you are so you know who you actually WANT in your life. From there its about forgiveness and understanding because we are ALL imperfect human beings. And you need to be sure of yourself before you dive into the world of someone else who might need you.

Dump those empty statistics. Quit worrying what others think, and spend this weekend getting into YOU. Enjoy yourself and start exploring who it is YOU want to be for your life. You're going to find out you wasted too much time worrying about others when you held all the answers yourself. I wish you all the best. Ahem... did I use the word "you" enough? Good. That's where the answers reside. (;
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Postby Born2Brookie » Thu Jul 18, 2019 4:51 pm

Hey cynthialeighton, Livetowin!
Thanks so much for your advices. Just logged on two years later to make some "time-travel" and wondering...
Just a quick update! I integrated your thoughts into my life and had some success! I feel quite confident most of the time, independently of other's approval! Thanks a lot!
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Postby tokeless » Thu Jul 18, 2019 6:30 pm

How are your waves doing?
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