Problem please help.....

Postby Rosana » Sun Sep 17, 2017 7:45 pm

Right so I'll just start by saying that I might go off on a tangent and rant a bit but oh well, I feel as though I have held onto this off too long and i desperately need to release this. So basically I am having 'problems' with this person and It is a major source of stress in my life as I feel very upset and hurt relating to their actions. I don't even know why I care so much because I wasn't even remotely close to this person and just knew them by association and did not really give them a second thought, not that I disliked them but they were simply and acquaintance I suppose.

So basically I have a partner and most of the time we have got on in the relationship but obviously there are differences in the relationship, but we usually overcome them. And I know this is a really typical issue but one of the problems I have is with his family.........But lately one family member in particular has really upset me.

This rift basically started at a family gathering when we were all eating. It wasn't even a big deal in the first place but they decided to make it into one. I was eating a meal and I was struggling to finish. Someone commented that I was not eating a lot and I stated that I felt unwell. When the gathering was over we all went our separate ways and this person happened to give me and my partner a lift because that was the arrangement. I got out the care and she said 'I hope you feel better soon' ect and I said me to. Then my other half stuck their head in to say goodbye but I was close enough to hear them say while waiting 'They are lying about being ill'. This made me feel very upset. I confronted my other half and then I said it was a bit out of order and not true. Not because they thought that. They are entitled to believe what they wants obviously! But because they had deliberately seemed to be making an issue/drama between me and my partner (maybe hoping they would see me in a bad light or whatever else) because if they were not then they would have kept the information to themselves and maybe had a rant about it to someone else??? At first my other half denied it but when I said that I heard myself my other half finally admitted it was true. Then my partner came out with stuff like, after I probed him a bit for possible reasons why they would behave in a malicious way and said 'oh they do not want us to be together' and is always telling me that you are 'doing their head' in *(which made NO sense as that had been the first time I saw her in a year?!?!) - Also they made sure I was not invited to their birthday meal........When my partner and I got stuck somewhere for the night so missed our train they said basically shouting '*** better have paid for it' (she was on speaker as my partner was driving but didn't realize)....oooops (which of course I paid for BTW....)- now my other half has to tell them when we are in the car that they are on speaker lol).

All of this negative attitude towards me. Fair enough. But what is difficult is that they are really 'fake nice' to my face. Overly nice, their behavior is unnatural and has always seemed that way to me...I guess I twigged something wasn't right....but I didn't think there was anything to it...nerves perhaps...

But I'm the one who looks like a dick because I refuse to see them because I just feel uncomfortable around them now......naturally. Their fake niceness towards me seems just downright insincere and somewhat embarrassing....And this is causing a rift between my partner and he tries to get me to put them in my good books again by saying 'oh they are mostly positive about you'.... and I say yeah then whatever compliment is followed by a series of buts....(one of the more clever bitching tactics) and he just looked awkward went a bit red ect as though as if he was realizing he was being misled a bit. I would love to be able to delude myself into thinking we will all be happy families but I can't and do not wish to form bonds with people I do not trust! ( why would I want to do that with someone who clearly has issues with me)

I feel frustrated and my partner says they stick up for me but they do not want it to become into a 'he said she said' issue, I think they are tired of being caught in the middle!! So he does not say what he says, but I feel like I need to know 'justice' has been done (dramatic word I know, but was the most accurate word I could think of).

I have been trying to rationalize that it is not me that is causing this problem as she has a string of dramas (that are self-made) in her life. And they clearly have an addiction to this drama and just seems to look for problems.....*Interesting note*.....way before my friend was ranting about her and how they used to bully people in school and I know and other half said they hit a parent once (they are aggressive). Also, when my other half stated that someone complimented me at a party she said 'are you sure they didn't mean that as a joke' :?. My other half was just like 'wtf?!?' then tried to justify the comment by saying 'oh i just said that because I think someone said that to me as a joke...' :roll: .......Blimey, lots more just started coming to my mind but I guess i'm just ranting now.....what i'm trying to say is I do not like being around this toxic is just too stressful for me to cope with!

In the grand scheme of the universe this seems like such a petty and minor issue but it really bothers me like it is massive. Please help me get over it !!!! Why do I care so much?? I want to focus on more positive things in my life but I cannot concentrate properly due to this stress that I haven't been able to vent!!! I also do not want to impact my relationship in a negative way.

Any comments suggestions to help me get over this are welcome!
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Sep 17, 2017 8:08 pm

Ultimately the problem is you. The world has plenty of toxic people, drama, etc. You choose to either feed the drama, feed the toxicity or not. If it was not these people, it would be others you have an issue with. That is your issue, not their issue. You even recognize by asking, "Why do I care?"

The way to resolve the issue is to put your focus where it should be, on your relationship with your partner. You communicate with your partner and ignore the rest. You explain it doesn't matter who they are or are not and that you simply will not be participating. Tell your partner life is too short and then turn your focus to other things in life.
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Postby Rosana » Sun Sep 17, 2017 8:21 pm

Thanks for the response Richard! This was brutal but very true and straightforward. I think I needed to hear this! I wish I did not focus on this, I mean I could easily focus on other issues and drama in the world like you said.... but for some reason I'm focusing on this in particular...!?!? I just hope that in time by not focusing on it that I will just naturally shrug off drama/toxicity and stop feeding on it.
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Postby JuliusFawcett » Thu Sep 21, 2017 5:16 pm

Practicing forgiveness and acceptance brings more peace to our lives
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Postby laureat » Sun Sep 24, 2017 12:34 am

The reason why we should improve ourselves instead of blaming the others is because you may face same situations with other people aswell, and if you learn how to deal with the situation you no longer blame the person because you know how to respond, how to move forwards

if you have someone criticizing you, blaming you, bulling you, well sure that is not something easy to ignore but now we can choose to say those people shouldnt do that, but that doesnt really help us become better, so instead we say i should learn to deal with a person like that: if it takes to ignore him or whatsoever, you learn how to deal with that and that doesnt only help on the situation itself it helps you to respond better everytime you have a similar situation
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