communication with mother

#15

Postby desperate788 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 3:15 pm

I suffered too much in the last decade think I deserve to be a little selfish :(
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#16

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Dec 11, 2017 4:14 pm

desperate788 wrote:I suffered too much in the last decade think I deserve to be a little selfish


Making another person suffer is not deserved. Your mother doesn’t deserve to suffer for you. Most certainly she has already suffered and continues to suffer. I think your mother has suffered too much in the last decade. Give her a break from her suffering.

Figure out how to support yourself rather than making someone else suffer.
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#17

Postby desperate788 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 4:22 pm

I don't make my mother suffer, worried maybe. She is sensitive about my health I say things to ease that like im fine don't worry etc. I was jobless for a long time before I started my current job and she was quite upset with that now I work for nearly a decade and that's a favor to her
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#18

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Dec 11, 2017 4:39 pm

desperate788 wrote:I don't make my mother suffer,


You don’t call her. You don’t communicate with her. You say she is poison. You think that isn’t painful for her?
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#19

Postby desperate788 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 4:52 pm

I don't want to make her upset. Our relation said to be toxic that's why I don't call her limited contact may be good for both of us
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#20

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Dec 11, 2017 5:14 pm

desperate788 wrote:I don't want to make her upset.


So then don’t invite her for a month to live with you when you think she is toxic.
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#21

Postby desperate788 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 5:17 pm

I won't. OK. Just loneliness is so bad coming to a cold house nobody cooks for you no one to talk to..feeling someone you like.
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#22

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Dec 11, 2017 5:23 pm

It is time to stop using your mother as a crutch. She will not be around forever. It is time to find other ways to navigate the world. You can find other ways to fill your social needs than mother.
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#23

Postby desperate788 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 5:31 pm

Yes you are right but I like her very much
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#24

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Dec 11, 2017 5:44 pm

I like my mother very much too. But, I’m a grown man, an adult. I don’t need my mother to cook me dinner and support me, because I’m feeling lonely in life. She is my mother, she raised me to be an adult and to act like an adult. She deserves her freedom from me.
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#25

Postby desperate788 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 5:56 pm

Yes I'm dependent to mu mother to a degree a healthy grown up man shouldn't be. But I'm not healthy I have a serious mental disease a problem job that is not suitable for someone who has a mental disease like mine you don't need your mother because you are healthy when things go fine I need ny mother less but when dark clouds come I feel I need her
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#26

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Dec 11, 2017 6:08 pm

I understand. I’m not saying our situations are the same.

I am saying your mother:

-1- Won’t be around forever. She will die. What then?
-2- She is a human with feelings, not to be used by you as toxic one minute and cooking for you the next.

You don’t need your mother. You need to stop using her. Regardless of your issues, you are responsible for your actions.
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#27

Postby desperate788 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 6:16 pm

I will die too so what? Death is terrible and everyone will die we just ignore it and I want to ignore that my mother will die some day I hope she lives at least for another ten years and that's realistic. I agree with you when you say she is toxic and cook for you then I understand and you are right
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#28

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Dec 11, 2017 9:53 pm

desperate788 wrote:I will die too so what?... I want to ignore that my mother will die some day


I think you have made plenty of progress over the years. There are so many adults we see in this forum entirely dependent on their parents. We see adults that live with their parents, that are unemployed, and their parents pay the bills. You are well beyond this. You work, you are mostly self sufficient.

That said, you still have plenty of room to grow. We all do. While none of us enjoy the thought of losing a loved one, there is a big difference between when you die and when your mother dies. When your mother dies, you will still need to eat, to socialize, to work, to pay bills, to navigate the world. You can do it alone, that is an option, or you can start finding and establishing healthy relationships with people other than your mother. Wanting to ignore the fact that one day your mother will die, that she won’t be there to cook for you, doesn’t help you.
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#29

Postby desperate788 » Tue Dec 12, 2017 7:42 am

I hope I made progress sometimes it feels like there isn't any..when worries attack to my mind it's terrible I work but it's pure suffering bothers me so much about my mother I hope she lives another 10 or 15 years or even more years I think there is nothing about wishing that..and good morning :)
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