Someone please reply... physically weak, feeling threatened

Postby smallthing » Sun Oct 22, 2017 8:09 pm

Greetings. I really want someone to read my post and reply. Please. I've never told anyone. I feel hopeless and alone. I have no idea what to do about my anger. I am chronially angry, because I feel threathened all the time. I am a very short, physically weak young woman with a heart disease. Walking up the stairs makes me feel like sh**, I'm out of breath and my muscles hurt like hell. Any person, even a woman, could do whatever they want with me. I cannot defend myself in any way. I cannot run at all. I cannot work out either. I've been attending PE classes when I went to school, because nobody believed me I was ill, everyone told me I was lazy. PE teacher made fun of me while I tried not to pass out from exhaustion. It was horrible and contributed grately to development of my depression. I was also bullied physically by older girls in primary school and all the other kids ran away from them but I was the weakest and they held me and pushed me around laughing at me, using me as a toy. I'm often thinking about how I would punish them for how they made me feel back then. I am taking medication for depression and some epilepsy pills that the psychiatrist gave me because i told her i was agressive and I am doing so much better than before, but my problem is not solved, it's just that my emotions have been blunted. Because I'm not physically intimidating, my anger means nothing. If a big man gets angry, people get scared and stop what they were doing. If a weak girl like me gets angry, she is being annoying and is told to shut up. I'm a very dominant person which is most probably why I can't get over it. I feel as if I was born in the wrong body. Small girls like me are usually submissive and don't mind being dependent on another person for protection, also don't get in trouble for standing up to a stronger person. I can't deal with that. It drives me crazy. I'm even afraid of myself sometimes. I obsessively think about getting an illegal weapon and carrying it everywhere. I think about revenge. I think about beating people up. I imagine killing someone in self-defense to calm myself sometimes. I even imagine myself standing on the street at night on purpose, waiting for some man to attack me, just to punish him for it in some horribly gruesome way. I'm not expecting any advice from you, dear person who took their time to read this. I just want to thank you for doing so, as I've never told anyone about this problem. Please, just say something to me if you can. I am so lonely. Thank you for your attention. I am ready to return the favor.
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Postby Leo Volont » Mon Oct 23, 2017 2:24 am

Good Morning Ms. Smallthing,

Recently I have been in a condition where I could have some inkling of how I think you must feel. I am an old man and while I have never been ‘big’, well, I was fast and ‘scrappy’ and never had to be overly concerned about my personal safety, since even if I could not hope to win every fight, I was still self-assured that I could retreat and run away faster than anybody could care to catch me, and most assailants aren’t inclined to run across town in order to assault people anyway (assailants typically like to ‘pick their spot’ – some secluded area where they may expect to commit their crimes in privacy, and so the trick for the victime is simply to escape from out of their ‘safe zone’). But as I got older it seems that I may have been too zealous in being ‘fleet of foot’. Apparently a life of running and Marathoning caught up with me and I developed very serious osteoarthritis of both hips. What happens there is that the cartilage in the hips disintegrates making the hips painful, but the worst thing about it is that the cartilage is replaced by a lot of extraneous bony mass which increasingly builds up all around the joint cutting off mobility. The worse a leg gets, the more it seems to be held perfectly straight by an enclosing bony build up. One can walk without crutches but it looks a lot like a penquin – you can only lift a leg by rocking over to the other side, and then you can only move that leg forward by pivoting that side of the body over. So it takes a lot of effort to walk very slowly. And it all hurts a lot. So I was on crutches. So I DID feel vulnerable. Anybody who wanted could have ‘tossed me’ for my wallet and car keys. Though, now that I think about it, I didn’t lose much of my ‘scrappiness’. I live in an apartment where my front door is off of a communal walkway balcony, and often I leave the main door open and allow fresh air to come through the screen. So sometimes people who are more social than perhaps they should be will stop to talk to me through the screen door. Well, a while back I thought it more polite to open the screen door so that these people didn’t have to talk ‘through the door’. Well, one time there was a young man who was ‘big’ but I knew to be harmless, but this one night he was drunk, and I had failed to detect that before I had already opened the door. Well, when he stepped forward to come into my Apartment, I was quite amazed at myself when I was able jab my palm forward into his sternum with enough force to quite knock him back out of the doorway, and then, in the blink of an eye, I pulled the screen door shut and engaged the lock. Wow!, I thought. That didn’t take two-tenths of a second! Of course, the young man looked shocked and before he could decide what to do I smiled and explained that ‘the house is such a mess that I could never receive company’. So the situation didn’t escalate.

But your situation is far more precarious. You are a female and so assailants may want more than just your money. And apparently while old age has somewhat weakened me, I still possess some strengths and a history of military training and getting into typical ‘guy fights’ that have given me some resources that I can still bank on. But you are rather, as you say, at everyone’s mercy. And then you have the terrible misfortune that you apparently appear so normal, that you don’t even enjoy any sympathy. Myself, on the other hand, when I would go out on my crutches, well, people were consistently so kind! People would run to open doors for me and ask if I needed help with my groceries or whatever. Indeed, I was quite spoiled by it. About 10% of the people would be so preoccupied with themselves that they would not see me coming and hold a door for me, and I would wonder “wow! What’s wrong with them?”. So, anyway, I came out of my Hip Experience with a very Positive Impression of Humanity. It seems that if you Look Like you Need Help, then people will bend over backwards to help. But apparently people can seem quite callous to those who appear to be perfectly okay.

Hmmmm. You know, my legs weren’t always so bad that I used crutches. For years I got by with just a cane. But even with just the cane, combined with my slow and awkward gait, that appeared to be sufficient to bring out a great deal of social sympathy. Maybe you ought to get a cane. I can recommend a good one. I recently had a hip operation and so I am off my crutches and now back to a cane (until I can get the 2nd operation for the other hip) and my old fashioned wooden cane seemed inadequate for the exercise I can now allow myself, so I got a new cane through the VA. Its light weight, adjustable, and comfortable and feels and works great. I looked it up (Manufacturer and Model Number) on the Big Retailer Website Dot Com that used to sell just books but now sells everything, and the cane is relatively cheap. It is a Drive RTL 10306. You should think about getting one, or one like it. Maybe that will give enough Signal that you are NOT Perfectly Okay and give you a chance to enjoy some Social Sympathy and to see some GOODNESS in People.

Now, to the core of your problem. You seem to be STILL angry over High School. Perhaps you should go to a library and pull down from the shelves a College Textbook about Childhood Development and read about the Adolescent Years. You will find that Teenagers are simply Horrible Human Beings. You see, this is the age when children are forming what they believe to be their Adult Personalities, but it is all in outline and skeleton form with none of the finer details filled in. So what you get from that is a kind of Caricature Personality, Ideals to a Fault. You remember how Teenage Peer Groups would expect complete Conformity to whatever they thought was the Ideal. They would use Bullying in one form or another to Enforce their demands for Conformity. Now, yes, while some people remain stuck all their lives at this Stage of Development (and now the Newspapers are full with one person in particular who fits that description), the great majority of people are quite out of it even before they are half way through College. You know, it is a common phenomenon for ‘victims’ to confront their old nemesis ‘bullies’ at High School Reunions and for the ‘bullies’ to be quite flabbergasted that their childhood behaviors could be construed so negatively. You see, THEY had left that Behavior well behind and or even quite forgotten about it, and that is certainly NOT who they are now. If only the Victims could so easily let go and move on with their lives.

So you see, you don’t have to Kill your Enemies. Most have ‘died away’ all by themselves. After just a few years, they are no longer the Same People. Adults are not the children they once were.

So the task before you now is to clear your head of all that needless negativity. Now that won’t be easy. You have developed your Negativity into a fine art – a Personality Complex of Conditioned Thoughts and Behaviors that seem Solidly Self Consistent. Deconstructing that Monolith will be like taking a Mountain apart rock by rock, stone by stone. Many people think that Anger Management is simply about arriving at an Attitude Change. Well, yes, an Attitude Change is essential to Beginning the Work, but the Bulk of the Problem is not with Attitude, but with all the Habitual Thoughts and Behaviors which seem to have a Life Of Their Own. We are fortunate in this Day and Age that the Field of Psychology had come up with a Working Therapy for this kind of thing – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The Premise there is to largely disregard Causes and all the Old Traumatic Stories from the Past (which Psychiatry, as opposed to Psychology, would focus on with their ineffective moods of Psychoanalysis). Psychologist instead concentrate on just changing the Bad Habits (what caused those Bad Habits is something that we might be intellectually curious about, but to ‘go down that road’ is in practice a time consuming distraction from the Important Business of Getting Better. We should save the Arm Chair Thinking for when we have developed the Peace of Mind to give it our full and objective attention.

Perhaps the core methodology with Cognitive Behavior Therapy is Review and Revise. You are expected to Review your Thoughts and Behaviors for habitual patterns that are negative or contra productive (stuff that either gets you into trouble, or makes you feel bad afterwards), and then to Revise these patterns by disputing them and devising Alternative ways to Think and Behave. You can then Rehearse (another R word if you want one) these new thought and behaviors, such as thinking to yourself “if this kind of circumstance happens again, then I will think about in THIS New Way and then DO this New Kind of Behavior instead”. After years of Cognitive Behavior Therapy, just from the Self Help Books, it gives you a new way of relating to the World and to yourself. I even wake up in the morning and Review and Revise my Dreams, and it has had, over time, a profound effect on the Quality of my Dreams. After years of Anger Management, my dreams are typically large Social Affairs with many Dream Characters working for Shared Goals in quite a peaceful way. This would seem to indicate that many of my Subconscious Conflicts were effectively Reviewed and Revised out of existence.

There are some very good Anger Management Books out there. My favorite author there is Ronald Potter-Efron. He’s written many titles, and even some College Text Books involved with Anger Management. But 3 of his affordable popular titles are “Letting Go of Anger”, “Angry All the Time” and “the Angry Brain”. Now, if one decides to deal with one’s Anger going the route of Self Help, then the effort needs to be Everyday and you should plan to be committed to your Program for years. Most people with Anger Management Problems believe that just changing their Attitudes is enough and they may notice some short term improvement after their “Conversion Experience” but then find themselves falling back into their conditioned patterns once the luster of their First Enthusiasm wears off. So I would recommend reading an Anger Management Book at least 20 minutes each day, even after you think you had enough. This 20 minutes of Focused Application will help assure that your Mind is always somewhat engaged with Anger Management (even after you think you don’t need it anymore). And don’t be afraid to read every Anger Management book out there. Some books are horrible, but by being able to See that such books are horrible and being able to explain to yourself why, and what could have made them better, it is still exercising your Anger Management Thinking. Also, in time you can become quite an expert regarding Anger Management – much better than some of the New Age Authors who research Anger Management for about 3 weeks and then write a book and then go on tour giving Week End Seminars about it. When you reach a Real Level of Expertise you could be quite handy here on this Page helping people (and I won’t live forever).

Also, you might have a problem with being worked up on Adrenaline all the time. Even with your weakened heart, you could be having far too much Muscle Tension which is caused by chronically Adrenaline Rushing yourself with Negative, Hostile and threatening Ideations. You know, you can mentally work yourself up to the emotional point where your fantasies of Aggression become so real that your Body responds as though they were Real, and that switches on an Adrenaline Rush. Now, Adrenaline can be a huge asset in an Actual Dangerous Situation, as the Physical Reflexes are made stronger and more precise (for example, my Story about the Drunk at the Screen Door). But the Higher Cognitive Centers of the Brain are mostly switched out of it (People who experience extreme Rage often cognitively Black Out altogether and have spells of situational amnesia). The Brain Centers that thrive on Adrenaline are mostly the Animal Centers. That is why in the Military they must constantly Train Soldiers so that they can perform their tasks automatically, because in highly adrenaline charged situations it is understood that they will not be able to think clearly and must be able to be relied upon to do what they were trained to do, almost as though they were on autopilot – they can do their Jobs without having to Think About it.

Anyway, perhaps the surest sign that you have a chronic Adrenaline Problem is that your Jaw muscles will be tensed up. Indeed, because of the jaw muscles proximity to the Brain and the Arterial Blood flow (at a sort of optimal crossroads of the two systems) the jaw muscles are first to react to an Adrenaline Rush. Even before your Higher Cognitive Centers are aware that you are ‘disturbed’ the Jaw Muscles might already be tightening (by as much as 3 seconds). If your Jaw Muscles are always tight, if your teeth are always together, then your case is really bad (but hopefully when you just get up in the morning, you should be able to at least start the day with a relaxed jaw). But if normally your teeth are separated then you have the opportunity to NOTICE when your jaw muscles first tense up. When they DO, all you need to do is Instantly Relax your Jaws. That will send a Recall Message to your Adrenal Glands that effectively shut down the Rush. You see, in Nature, False Alarms must happen all the time and I suppose our Animal Cousins have learned over the Ages to how shut down unnecessary Adrenaline Rushes (like a Spooked Cat instantly being able to calm down from some accidental fright). Well, apparently the Human Way of shutting off a Mistaken Adrenaline Rush is by Relaxing the Jaw Muscle Tightening Reflex.

So evaluate yourself in regards to how much Adrenaline you are allowing to influence your moods. Perfectly speaking, unless you are actually confronted by an actual physical threat, you should consciously endeavor to keep your jaw muscles loose at all times. Oh, as one Member pointed out to me, and I realized she was quite correct, even acts of touching and affection can cause Jaw Tightening. Apparently the Body is automatically Very Cautious about touching people and even our Beloved Pet Animals because we can never be truly assured of a safe reception of our affections. So even when engaged in acts of affection you might have to remember to keep those jaws relaxed.

Well, that should be enough to keep you busy for a while. Please, Smallthing, let me know what you think.

Oh, as I edited this Post I began to remember one of my best friends from College. She was a slightly built young woman from Central Europe. Her name in her land of birth was Iboya (pronounced EE BOY YA) but it meant ‘Violet’ (the Flower, not the Color) and so she went by the name Violet. It became know that she had a congenital problem with her heart and that she was not expected to live more than a few more years. But she was perhaps the most popular Young Woman on Campus. Her Dorm Room was like a Social Salon. Everyone who was known to be Fun and Smart was approached and invited over. Only later in life did I become aware of the Honor it was to be included in such a circle. Oh, it is fun to remember that her Best Friend, Anne, was a Strong Sturdy Densely Packed Vibrantly Healthy Young Woman – maybe the very person that Violet wished she herself had been. And everyone loved Anne too. Well, you know, no road seems as smoothly paved as Memory Lane, when you are looking back on the Good Times.
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Postby Cleveland1988 » Mon Apr 09, 2018 5:48 pm

I'm a small statured man and I go through the same thing.

Every time I try to verbally defend myself from other men, they make it physical. And every time I try to defend myself physically, it fails, miserably.

I wish there was SOME WAY I could assert myself. I get assaulted on average once every few years and due to hospitalizations I am not allowed to own a weapon to defend myself, not even a mace or taser.

I am SO GLAD I found your post. I thought I was the only one who felt this way.
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Postby Prycejosh1987 » Sat Dec 12, 2020 4:54 pm

Be angry at the situation and not people, the cause for evil in this world is evil spirits and negative mentality. Combating this is easy, its just doing what you do not want to do, and avoiding what you do want to do.
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