Girlfriend lost feelings for me- is it her depression?

Postby miidgetxx » Sat Oct 28, 2017 3:46 pm

Hi there. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I will try and be informative but brief!

Myself and my partner (now ex) couldn’t be more perfect for each other. We were together just under a year and our relationship was great. We rarely argued or fell out and for 99% of the time we enjoyed every second of each others company. We both felt we were in this for life. I am 24 and she is 22. We are both women.

We were so happy that we’d found each other and had more or less everything in common. We both work in the same job, and have the same morals, interests etc.
In May this year I moved in with her and her parents, which was amazing. We both got on well and the fact of living together didn’t affect our relationship at all, we still enjoyed every second together and didn’t get that “you are doing my head in now” feeling.

Around April she started showing signs of low mood. Her confidence just vanished, almost overnight, as did our physical relationship. We both spoke honestly and openly about it all and she assured me she still felt the same and wanted to be with me. As the months went on her low mood and low confidence just seemed to get worse and worse. At this stage her parents were not aware of how bad my partner felt. She was too afraid to tell them in concern of ‘disappointing’ them somehow. I spoke to her one day and told her I was struggling to know what to do so encouraged her to speak with her parents so we could ALL support her through this difficult time. She asked if I could make the first step and speak to her step mum. I did this and her step mum then in turn told her Dad. Nothing much happened after that and it was down to me again to provide her support and encouragement to keep going.

Around July time she broke down to me one day and said she was struggling to cope. She said watching TV and doing basic every-day things became a massive effort and she just felt tearful and empty all the time. I asked her openly and honestly whether she may think she is depressed. She agreed and once again I opened up to her step mum to tell her what was happening. I encouraged her to go speak with a doctor as it could help her feel more positive about the future and steps she could take to feel better.

At the stage it was becoming very difficult for me. I was unhappy at my job and feeling stressed and low myself. Therefore I think I held a lot of my own problems to myself in order to not put any extra pressure on her. The lack of our physical relationship also started to take its toll. As it is only natural to want to be physical with the person your deeply in love with and feel that acceptance and want from them too!. That said, I never pressured her or never made her feel bad for not being able to engage with me intimately. Instead I would just simply ask her to reassure me that she still loved me, which she did. Despite the lack of intimacy her and I were still very tactile. She still kissed me passionately and always cuddled me and remained close- right up until the break up!.
The lack of sex was difficult, but I still felt love and affection from her in other ways. Few weeks later she went to the doctors and they suggested counselling. She also got diagnosed with an under active thyroid, which the doctors suggested could have contributed to her low mood and lack of sex drive!. For me at this stage I felt more positive and it felt like she was moving forward and hopefully on her way to combat her issues!.

Since we got together we had both discussed moving in together. When I began living with her parents we both agreed it would only be for a few months and we started saving for a deposit for a rented property. Around September time we had both saved enough for a deposit so started looking around the area. She seemed very excited and it gave her something to focus on. One weekend we both a spent a lot of money buying little house things, kitchen bits and even found a sofa we loved and began the process on ordering it.

Then I went on a set of nights. Her parents were away and I think her really struggled being on her own during the evenings. She called me every night, all the way through the night. Also during her time alone she brought more things for our house and seemed really excited about it all.
When I finished my nights we had a house viewing booked one morning. We had a lovely day together the day before and she seemed to be excited about the viewing. The next morning I woke up to get myself ready and got her up aswell. She told me she had cancelled the viewing as she didn’t feel we were ready. I got angry and we ended up having a bit of an argument. I wasn’t angry that she wasn’t ready, and I told her this. I was just more upset she didn’t tell me.

She went to work that morning and called me a few hours later asking if I would go home for a few days, as she needed ‘space’. I got upset and said I didn’t understand but would respect what she wanted.
We spoke that night, after I had gone home and she told me she was feeling very very low and empty. She told me she had started to feel nothing inside, no emotions, no feelings. She said she knew she loved me, but felt nothing inside. She said she knew she loved her Dad and her step mum, but felt nothing inside. I was compassionate and said she really needs to get some help and suggested private counselling. I also said we should hold off on moving out until she is better and she seemed to agree and appreciate this. The whole week after this we spoke everyday. She did seem different and distant but I knew she was feeling low so didn’t worry too much. Several times she reassured me that she still loved me and wanted to be with me, and she wanted to get herself ‘sorted’ so she could be ‘better’ for us.

The following weekend I treated us both to a spa day. We both had a lovely day and it was nice to just relax and spend quality time together; something she said we needed to do more instead of focusing on her depression and her issues. She said we’d been neglecting our relationship so wanted to go have fun together; I agreed completely and was excited to do more things like we used to when we first started dating. Before I dropped her home after the Spa I got quite upset and told her I was really worried I was going to lose her. She hugged me and kissed me (like she always did) and told me not to worry, there was nothing to worry about, it was all in her head and she loved me.

The following night I messaged her when she got home from work and she was very blunt and distant, telling me she felt really down and wanted to be left alone. I did as she asked and told her I was there for her. The following 3 days she didn’t respond to any of my messages or phone calls. I was very upset as she promised me she wouldn’t ignore me or cut me out. One night, after not hearing from her for days, she text me saying she needed to talk. I called her straight away and she ended the relationship over the phone. Her reasons were that she felt nothing for me anymore and just saw me as friend. She mentioned our difficulties with our sexual relationship and said she felt it might not be down the depression anymore. I pleaded with her to think about it as it wasn’t possible to think clearly if she feels so empty inside due to her depression, but she wasn’t having any of it and told me nothing could ‘fix’ it.

I was devastated and pleaded with her to not make this decision. Since then she hasn’t spoken with me and has completely cut me out. As I was living there I had moved all my belongings over to her house; these items are still there! I messaged her on the weekend (just gone) asking for her to let me know when she is off work so I can come and collect my items. She told me she would ‘let me know’ and it’s been nearly a week and I still haven’t heard back from her. She was very adamant when she broke up with me that it was over for good and there was no chance of it ever happening again. But now with the fact that she is possibly withholding my belongings, I feel it is giving me a false sense of hope that she may have changed her mind and wants me back.

Can anyone advice me on this situation?

Is it common for people experiencing depression to completely shut off?

Is it common for people with depression to feel like they've lost feelings for their partner?

I have experience severe depression myself in the past, so know quite a bit of how it affects you. As i understood, I used my experience to help and support her, getting back to see her friends, go out without me, playing sport and spend more time with her parents. However now it just feels like she's got so so down that she can't cope and she's just given up on us and our relationship.

Until very recently she and I were joking and talking about who would propose to whom- this gave me the impression she could see a long future with me! Now, after all this I am terrified I have lost her. She truly is the love of my life and I am devastated that it may be over for good.

Please help!
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#1

Postby quietvoice » Sat Oct 28, 2017 5:55 pm

miidgetxx wrote: . . . is it her depression?

She broke it off with you. Does it really matter?

Relationships come and go, people change and grow, feelings go from "Yes" to "No."

You're (only) 24 years of age. There's plenty of time in your life to enjoy plenty more women in order to find another "love of your life."

If you need to, take some time to grieve. Then, go live your life!
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#2

Postby miidgetxx » Sat Oct 28, 2017 6:26 pm

Quietvoice.

It does matter. I know I'm young and so is she, but when you know you've found the one, you just know.

I understand feelings come and go, but there is a lot more to this than just that.

Thank you for your response
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#3

Postby quietvoice » Sat Oct 28, 2017 9:17 pm

miidgetxx wrote:. . . but when you know you've found the one, you just know.

She who rejects being with you is the one for you. Is that what you're saying? Are you going to put your life on hold until she comes to her senses? What if she never changes her mind?
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#4

Postby miidgetxx » Sat Oct 28, 2017 11:22 pm

Quietvoice:

But I feel the rejection on her part maybe to do with her depression, as it seems to have stemmed from that recently.
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#5

Postby quietvoice » Sat Oct 28, 2017 11:29 pm

miidgetxx wrote:But I feel the rejection on her part may be to do with her depression, as it seems to have stemmed from that recently.

Perhaps. Or perhaps she was depressed because she wanted to be free of the relationship.
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#6

Postby miidgetxx » Sat Oct 28, 2017 11:32 pm

Quietvoice:
Prehaps. That is what I am struggling to figure out.
Although when you read my post , it says she promised me it wasn't anything to do with me or us. And she was so excited to move out with me and make that next step. I do not believe she would have lied to me for that long. I didn't notice any difference in how she was with me. She still kissed me passionately, hugged me every night, told me she loved me and was generally a really loving person. Always made me feel special. x
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#7

Postby quietvoice » Sat Oct 28, 2017 11:48 pm

miidgetxx wrote:. . . she promised me it wasn't anything to do with me or us. And she was so excited to move out with me and make that next step. I do not believe she would have lied to me for that long. I didn't notice any difference in how she was with me. She still kissed me passionately, hugged me every night, told me she loved me and was generally a really loving person. Always made me feel special.

You've been together for more than a short time. Therefore, habits of ways of being together were formed. When you are together with her, she falls into those habits. When she is alone with herself, she may feel that she wants to be free. It is hard to hurt the someone one loves directly, in person. Therefore, there is a conflict, which may lead to the depression. Does this make sense?

I don't know if that is the case with her. It is a possibility. Either way, she is asking to not be together. You can either respect her wishes, or not.
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#8

Postby miidgetxx » Sat Oct 28, 2017 11:55 pm

I understand what your saying I really do.

But when her depression first came about we were more than happy together. It was just before I moved in and she was over the moon with our relationship. We must have been together around 5 months before she started struggling. So the relationship was still very new and exciting.
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#9

Postby quietvoice » Sun Oct 29, 2017 12:31 am

On the other hand, you've brought up the under active thyroid. If she's willing to do a lifestyle change regarding eating habits, she can check out YouTube channel robertmorsend and YouTube channel John Rose for proven ways to get healthy. The medical community is useless in the obtaining of health, as health is the result of lifestyle choices.
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#10

Postby laureat » Sun Oct 29, 2017 6:12 am

Never feel sorry/guilt about brakeup if it doesnt work out: move forwards with your life
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#11

Postby hs20 » Thu Nov 09, 2017 12:51 am

Hi,

I'm currently living a situation like yours. I am 15 and she is 16, and we are both girls (we are in a long distance relationship). I have been dating her for over 9 months. Everything was amazing, I felt so happy and I was sure (and still am sure) that she is the one for me and that she is my true love. But, since 2 months, my girlfriend started to change. She has been rude to me, she didn't care about me and she took me for granted. She has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and told me about it about 3 weeks ago (She already told me that she was depressed before, but she had to be diagnosed to make it official). Since then, I have been trying to help her to my best, since I know a bit about depression. But it seems like she didn't recognize the time and the efforts I put in for her. I also felt like she had no feelings for me, even though she said she did. I am still confused about if it's her depression or if its her. Also, I had a fight with her (I believe that it wasn't that bad) recently and now it's been 3 days that she has been ignoring me completely (no texting, no calls) and I really don't know what to do. At least, you know, and I know, that we're not alone.

From the other posts I've read, the only advice I could give to you (and to myself) is to either break up (I know this is not a choice you want) or try to stick to her as much as you can. I've read from posts that the only thing depressed people wish is for the ones who they love/loved to stay with them even if they tell them to let them alone. Also, I think that it is normal for depressed people to lose feelings. They just feel empty inside. No feelings, no emotions. I think that if you try to keep contact with her, it'll help. Don't go away even if she wants you to (unless in certain cases, but in most cases, they need help). It's like when you lose someone you love (someone who actually died). You want people to let you alone and you want to be in your own bubble. You want to rip off your skin, and to cry forever. Depressed people feel the same, but for a long time. In most cases, they think about their mistakes in the past rather than the way they could fix things in the future. It's just the way it is. It's because their emotions get very negative. There's always a "what if" to something good. There's always the rain after the sun.

The only thing we all really want is to feel happy. To feel like when you were 5 years old, looking at adults like they were giants, enjoying every experience in life, because you ignored the consequences of things and the responsibilities. I think that people who suffer from depression completely lost that feeling, and what you need to do is to help them feel like that again. They need to enjoy life more than they do right now. My advice is : Try to brighten up her day, even if it's only for an instant, by the things she really loves. Get her "the gift that she was waiting for her entire life". Meaning try to find that one thing that will make her feel like a kid receiving a toy on a random day. It's hard to make them realize that there is a reason to be happy, because their happiness never lasts long. But the more you're happy, the happier you are.


Oh and also, your girlfriend tries to push you off and might do something else to compensate the time that she would spend with you (like playing video games, watching tv, eating, crying, ect). Try to find that thing, and make her realize that "that thing" is not the solution, because they often think about the past during these moments (tv) or get mad at the game (video game). Try to get her out instead or try to do something with her.

That is my advice, and you shouldn't only base yourself on my advice. Try to do your research (there are some really interesting posts about depression on this website) and combine them to make the one perfect solution for you.

I hope that it helped you.
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#12

Postby quietvoice » Thu Nov 09, 2017 4:14 am

hs20 wrote: In most cases, they think about their mistakes in the past rather than the way they could fix things in the future. It's just the way it is. It's because their emotions get very negative.

A person's emotions get negative because of their thinking. An emotion is an indication of what a person is thinking, and nothing else.

If one can understand that thoughts don't have to be taken seriously, that each thought can come and go and new thought will come, eventually the negative will turn to positive. There's an ebb and flow, and like the weather, there's cloudy thinking, rainy thinking, giving way to sunny thinking.
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#13

Postby Mariahr21 » Fri Nov 17, 2017 8:52 am

Hello,

I am sorry to hear about this whole event of changes. I am proud of you for sticking it out for as long as you did. This was a story of true love because despite all the downs you were still there for her. The main thing that jumped out at me is that you said she was depressed. That is the fruit of what she was going through but not the root of the matter. You mentioned the root but I'm not sure if you fully understand. The doctors said she had an under active thyroid, which could more than likely be the root of her depression. An under active thyroid is no joke. I remember reading that she had trouble doing the smallest everyday things and this is true. It is demoralizing to not be able to do the things you used to do. It's like only having energy for a few activities a day and you have to be wise about what you are going to do. So sure the doctor is supposed to prescribe you with a medication, but you don't really go back to being 100%. It seems like she needed time to transition and that is the hardest part for anybody. So also the moving into another home or place was not the best thing to do at that time. She needed time to adjust to this whole new thing accruing within her body. So please do not be mad when she cancelled the viewing because she probably literally did not have the energy to do the viewing that day. Sometimes you have to be patient and understanding for people with hypothyroid. They can have a good amount of energy for maybe everything on their to-do list one day but then be totally drained the next day and even the next few days. They need time to rest and regenerate, but this should be taken into consideration. So please do not feel down about what happened. It seems like you did all you can do, but she needed time on her own to figure this thing out. So it's nobody's fault just the timing and circumstances did not play out well. I hope you can have peace in mind about this and see that it was not just her depression.
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#14

Postby nimfuze » Mon Jan 15, 2018 6:12 pm

Hello,

I've created an account just to reply to this post because, in all honestly, as i read your post im looking myself in the mirror and i hope i can help you save yourself from further grief.
My ex also ended things with me just EXACTLY like that, but in person, same simptoms of "feeling empty" and "i feel no emotions".
This, of course, made me have hope, for almost a year, suffering hoping she would come to her senses and see that she loved me. However, i've come to learn that i prefer the painful truth over the beautiful lie all the time. As such, in truth, she didn't loved me anymore, if she did she wouldn't have abandoned me, like your ex didn't have abandoned you. I had depression before and had a several nervous breakdown when i was with her, i never considered breaking up with her, she was my pillar and if i lost her i'd be done for.
So please, listen to what i'm telling, don't get yourself attached to a false hope, you are so young, full of dreams , potential and a very interesting person i bet! Do not give up on yourself and DO NOT let yourself be dragged into the pit she's in. Everyone is responsible for their actions, she is responsible for hers, youre not.
Take care, and i deep down in my heart hope that all your sorrows meet their end soon enough <3
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