Can't seem to get out of the bubble

Postby Space_Bound » Wed Dec 06, 2017 3:54 pm

Hi, whoever is reading this. Not sure what to expect from writing this post but still wanna give it a shot. So, here it goes:
I'm a 19 yo male, living in Eastern Europe. I've felt heavily depressed for the last 2-3 years. Now thoughts of killing myself cross my mind more frequently than ever. Not sure exactly when it all started going off the rails. My life is fine on the outside, more than fine actually, or it used to be at the beginning of the depression. I had and still could have at any moment a job with a salary 10 times bigger than an average adult in my country providing myself with a luxurious lifestyle, so there is no financial strain. I have a very good, supportive family who approved of my quite controversial life decisions like dropping out of high-school and not going to college when 95% of kids in my country do. I have great health, opportunities, I would say that I'm quite intelligent. So, as I said, on the surface everything looks neat and shiny and, yet, I feel a great void inside me. As most of the people who feel depressed, I can't seem to figure out what's wrong and how to fix it. Maybe writing this gives me hope that I will figure it out in the process. So, bear with me. Off the top of my head, I would say my biggest problem is the wrong perception of life, of course, if you can even say that something as abstract as a perception of life can be wrong or right. I can't live like most people. I always feel the necessity of life philosophy, otherwise, I cannot function or feel even remotely peaceful and calm. I always need a set of rules and mantras(some catchphrase I would repeat to myself) that would keep me in line, that would regulate all of my actions and thoughts, something that would make me feel that at that moment I'm doing the right thing, give me the permission to be calm and happy. But we live in a world where there are only a handful of things we can really control, the rest is chaos. And so, whenever something doesn't go according to my "plan", I have a mental breakdown, even if it's something completely stupid and insignificant like me waking up 15 minutes later than I planned, that's it, the whole day is ruined. Obviously, I have perfectionism issues. It wasn't really severe at first, but after a few years, I started getting really frustrated and now all that frustration and depression is evolving into something else, something way more horrid. I lost any interest in friends, and now I don't have any. I started sleeping 15 hours a day lately, waking up, going to the bathroom, grabbing something to eat, watching some stupid tv shows I hate or watching youtube videos I couldn't care less about for a few hours and then I go back to bed, that's been going on for almost a month. Because I don't work anymore, can't really go outside or cook for myself, I moved back in with my parents. I hate every second of my life, yesterday as I refreshed a 100th time the trending page on youtube, I snapped, started having a panic attack and threw my laptop at the wall. After I laid on the floor and cried for a few hours. I guess now I can say that I officially hit my rock bottom. The irony is I haven't lost interest in the world. I like music, literature, science, nature etc. As a teen, I was really good at coding, really liked creating apps and small games, observing the sky on the telescope and reading books on astrophysics and had a bunch of different interests and hobbies and I would love to do any of those things now, but I can't, it feels like I'm in some bubble I can't get out of. There is the whole world I'm fascinated by and I would love to explore in many ways, but once I start doing any of those things I like, it starts to feel wrong, like "you can't do something just because you like it" - his brain persisted. I start feeling guilty and eventually give up (by eventually I mean within 1-5 minutes). My guess is that my guilt comes from early years of being a teenager. Everything was perfect back then, I couldn't catch a break in a positive sense. I was winning a bunch of grants, my projects were picked up by the government, I learned English and spoke it better than any of my teachers, I was on the national chess team. Everyone would tell me how I would be so successful in the future, become one of the big guys. That made me have very high expectations of myself, no tolerance to failure or imperfections whatsoever. I became extremely impatient, delusional, detached from reality. My priorities shifted to the "profession over passion", which made me feel miserable, but I thought this was the right thing to do because our culture convinces us that to be happy and to survive you need that precious paper in your pockets. So, now I feel completely f***ed up, I don't know who I am, or what I want anymore, I lost half my weight and look like a decaying corpse. My desires, perceptions of reality or life all contradict each other and I feel like soon I'm gonna get to a place from which there will be no escape.
If you have any professional advice, or this is something you used to experience yourself, please reply. I will really appreciate it.
Space_Bound
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#1

Postby EllieAdel2000 » Wed Jan 24, 2018 7:42 pm

Hello.I too am felling the same way as you.I just talked about it with my parents and they told me that they will suport me in any way possible.They also recomended that I should visit a doctor.So yea first try talking about your problems to your close ones.And if it doesnt help,try going to a doctor.Even if it seems pointless.Thank you for reading my pointless comment that is probably for no good use.
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