Hi
I am 3 years clean and basically it's really tough. I am not who I used to be. I am anxious, lost sense of humor, paranoid, like always thinking about the person next to me if i sit in class next to someone, i dont have any emotions like im faking emotions most of the time, cannot trigger a laugh, so anxious in class that my neck starts to tremble for like 4 seconds sometime, I have very negative thoughts like I feel like I bother and disturb people because I stay quiet (because If I speak I say nothing really spontaenous and interesting like I used to do and it just frustrates me so I prefer stay quiet + what I say really is complete BS) Its like my emotional intelligence is at 0. I became a weird individual but I am totally conscious of how weird I am because inside of me there is the old me who knows that I am not the person I am today. In addition I keep swallowing my saliva when Im next to someone. During a conversation I cannot look at people in the eyes more than 5 seconds because if I do so I start thinking "hes gonna think youre creepy if u continue looking at him in the eyes" i have billions of other shitty thoughts like this in billions of other situations.. I think Im weird because I try to act like I used to be, this funny popular guy, but my brain just doesnt follow so its like weird for people and I can feel it and Im tired to force myself to be cool with my brain who doesnt follow at all. It gives a weird result. Seriously in high school i was becoming friend with ppl in like 1 hour. its been 3 years and I made 1 friend only. Like wtf. Im simply unable to connect, its like chemical. Even with members of my family I can no longer connect like my cousins like wtf. thats why i say its chemical. if it was psychological it wont happen with cousins. Also when Im in class I cannot move my head its like blocked. I can only move my eyes sometimes. when im sitted in class I dont move at all my body so much I am robotized with no spontaenity and I look and see people moving spontaenously around me. Me i just cant move and I force myself to move after 20 minutes not to appear too weird like the guy is dying or something. When I go to my hometown I dont leave my house because I was very popular and funny in high school and I dont want ppl to see how I have become 3 or 4 years after.
I smoked from 15.5 to 17.5 years old. I think for some brains like mine the damage of smoking at this young age is permanent. Times goes on and the more time goes the more Im thinking I just developed a mental problem due to weed. I used to have enormous confidence and sense of humor and social adaptability. I lost everything. Im 21 and I feel like a schyzophrenic but Im just not having the hallucinations. I stopped smoking because I became aware that smoking was changing my personality but when I stopped it was too late. I go in this forum since 3 years and I feel like I'm the only person who dont get any improvement.
What do you guys think ? I saw this guy taking pills but really Im gonna start taking pills at 21 ? In 20 years what will be the effect of those on me ?
thankkkks a lot for reading until the end i really appreciate and sorry if it demotivate some of you but thats just my reality