Just can't make it

Postby ThatSingleGirl » Mon Dec 11, 2017 2:34 pm

Okay so.

I'm awkward. Let's say it as it is. My communication with people are... limited. At best. I have my own business, but I groom dogs. So conversation there is a bit one sided.

I am 25 years old. Last relationship I was in ended last year of high school (7 years ago) - he cheated on me for a while. I just didn't WANT to see it. Why? I was bullied through high school. So much so I couldn't speak. He was the one that I could uncover my soul to. And it is not that I couldn't talk in front of people, I took part in school debates, I sing... sounds like I am pretty confident, right?

Wrong.

Whenever I have to have a meaningful conversation and give a piece of MYSELF. I freeze up. I become a blub of stutters and meaningless words. I lose my identity. I am so anxious I'll say something that will make people think I'm weird or have them laugh at me. Which is exactly what happens BECAUSE I worry. If I have to fight for something I believe in, something other than myself, I am fluent. Confident. Strong. When I have to share myself... yeah.

I have one "friend" who dumps all her problems on me. The only time she calls me up is to get advice or just complain. I'm an excellent listener. Only thing I'm really good at. I just can't get in the flow of just... CONVERSING. Why?

In groups I am the total odd one out. I want to be part of them so badly. If a picture is taken, I always end up behind the christmas decorations or behind someone's head.

I am also the type of person who lets people push and pull me around. Pick your battles right? Thing is, I NEVER pick a battle. I will try keep the peace as far as I can at the cost of myself. Because I dont want to inconvenience anyone. I dont want people to dislike me. I am the one who helps others, who comforts the one who would knock me down as soon as they get the chance. Why? I dont know. If I stand up for myself, my mind is racing so far ahead of what the repercussions will be I fall flat.

Now take all of THAT and imagine a relationship. Not only do I not meet people, how on earth can THAT be attractive to anyone. And if someone does take interest, I cant share myself. I cant open up and just relax. I dont want to be this anymore.

Help
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Dec 11, 2017 5:11 pm

ThatSingleGirl wrote:I dont want people to dislike me.


Focus on this one thing and life can change dramatically.

It was in high school and up to around your age when I had a similar issue. I was of a belief that I’m a decent guy, I’m nice enough, good sense of humor, laid back, relaxed, motivated, personable, hard worker, honest, good intentions, what’s not to like? I figured even if at first a person didn’t have a good impression that once they got to know me, that would certainly change, right?

As I graduated from college and entered the workforce fulltime, I finally woke to the realization not everyone is going to like me, no matter what I do. I went into law enforcement to help people, but given my profession some people downright hated me and some would even kill me if given the chance. And, I didn’t have the time to explain that behind my role as police officer, I was just another person with good intentions. I learned over the years, you can be hated, despised, etc. for just about any attribute and you aren’t going to quickly change a person’s underlying beliefs.

Here’s the thing. It is okay to be disliked, even hated. It doesn’t matter what others think, it only matters what you think of yourself. It’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to fail, it’s okay to disagree, it’s okay to be disliked. You can’t please everyone, so stop trying. It is impossible to please and be friends with everyone of every ideology, because ideologies conflict.

Pick any controversial issue, pick a side and more than likely you have just been defriended or worse by half the population. Stop trying to be liked. It is a waste of time and energy. Just focus on doing whatever you think is right and let others have their opinions.

If you go through my threads in here, there are plenty of people that dislike me, because they don’t like my advice, they don’t like my world view, they don’t like how I say it, etc. So what? Has the sun stopped rising because I’m disliked? No!! It’s a beautiful day, it’s a great time to be alive.

Focus on this fear of being disliked.
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#2

Postby Livetowin » Wed Dec 13, 2017 3:00 pm

I have two rules in life that I talk about constantly on this forum because they apply to most everything we do - I only control myself and I never let the opinion of others define me. When you get those two managed, life becomes very clear.

You can't control what people think or say. And unfortunately with the internet age, we have this sad habit of people trying to hide in crowds so someone else can supposedly speak for them based on their political or social belief system. That's all bullsh*t. What you say and do resides SOLELY on your shoulders. Pointing to someone else to say they speak for you is essentially saying you have no mind of your own. So it's best to just stay in bed and let someone else do the heavy lifting in life if you have no thought for yourself. . Off soap box.

But if you want to get yourself centered, you first have to account for yourself. Forget labels. Your best friend, mom, dad, uncle, brother, pastor, teacher, or whoever carries a title do not answer for your happiness in life. You do. So you need to sit down with yourself and ask who it is you are. What makes you happy? What do you like? What DON'T you like? Build your world around those considerations.

When it comes to people, surround yourself with those who compliment those ideals you like and remove people who do not. You have to learn your voice COUNTS. When someone is being rude to you, don't worry about their feelings because they are not considering yours. If someone is trying to take advantage of you, back them away and get them out of your life. You have to remember you do not carry the weight for everyone else. Only for yourself. So instead of doing the job for everyone else, just do it for you. Pays better.

And remember standing up for yourself is not being selfish, it's being confident and letting people know you are not a walking mat. Don't be afraid to say no when common sense says you should and develop an inner dialogue with yourself that says, " What are in my best interests here?' Quit taking the hit for everyone else. It's your life. Govern it as such because no one else will.

In terms of meeting people, just be you. If they don't like you, they did you a favor. One less person you need to consider. And keep in mind, EVERYONE carries some degree of insecurity and sense of lacking at some place in their life. So don;t feel like you;re the only person feeling that. The only difference is some people move forward anyway while others sit still. Doing nothing IS doing something. It's making sure you get no where. So quit worrying about what others think or might think or do think. And even if they do like you, don't get hyped about that either. Stay centered on you. Been stingy with who you let in and don't be afraid to keep others out. Your mind and body are your temple. Protect it.

The more you focus on who you are, the more clear it becomes who other people are as well. It's like that because you quit looking at them worried about what they are thinking and start looking at them for what they are actually doing. You do the thinking for you. No one else. And as people come and go through your life, YOU assess and dismiss them according to what you want and need. This is your life. Take the steering wheel and never let anyone else in the driver's seat. I wish you well.
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