Breakdown... Running out of days off.

Postby BigD1983 » Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:04 am

I want to keep this brief so I can get to the point. I've got a family, a home, a dog and a career... and I am on the verge of a total breakdown. I lack any semblance of charisma, and I am completely non-confrontational unless you are threatening my family. I am often perceived as stupid by people who don't know me well, because I function so poorly in conferences and groups which does bother me... but people can think whatever they want.

My problem started recently with a changing of the guard at work. We got a couple new hotshots who want to show everyone up all the time and constantly steal credit for things I've done to the point they've even gotten themselves raises and me a reprimand. Sure, I could record them in the act but I honestly just don't have the drive to even care. I'm at a point I'd be fine if I never got another raise and at this point I was just waiting out my pension.

Recently I've started having heart palpitations. I think they are psycho-somatic because my pulse never changes... but it literally feels like I have a bird trapped in my ribcage. I get them when driving, I get them at home when I'm trying to relax, and I get them constantly when I have to work with these terrible people. I had a terrible panic attack at work recently and decided I needed a day off... then got home and decided I needed a week.

I have to go back, I can't keep this up forever... but I'm pretty much out of options. I've just had pills thrown at me every time I try to address this problem by numerous providers and now I won't even seek their opinions anymore. For the first time since I was a teenager it's just seeming like there is no light at the end of the tunnel and I can't remember feeling so confused and frustrated ever. My job is literally killing me, and my family will fall apart if I lose it. I couldn't live with myself if I had to go on disability but I feel like I won't live much longer if I keep working.

I've looked into other career options, but all my skills require me to work with others. I've tried attending uni 3 times as I test very well. However, I always stopped going when I had to speak in public or work in groups... so my options are quite limited in the job market. I just don't know what to do anymore. Losing this job would mean losing a killer pension... I would never make this kind of money again... and my wife will leave with our kids(she believes in her core only lazy people don't want to work and is a very social person so it did not go well when I told her what I was thinking.)
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Postby quietvoice » Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:28 am

BigD1983 wrote:she believes in her core only lazy people don't want to work

Does your wife work to provide an income for the family?
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Postby BigD1983 » Thu Dec 14, 2017 2:49 am

Unfortunately, yes ( I really don't have a leg to stand on there). Ideally, I'd intended to homeschool the children and be the stay at home dad/handyman and my wife graduated Uni with the intentions of being the breadwinner. Long story how it happened, but over the course of about 12 years the moneymaking duties shifted to me and she now works pro re nata. I feel it's only fair to say that I actually make a bit more in a straight 40 hour situation now (*even if she was still working full time), and I can work unlimited overtime with zero justification. She grew up in poverty and never wants to live below a certain threshold again. I knew this going into the relationship.
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Postby emyaj » Fri Dec 15, 2017 3:15 am

From what you described, you sound like a pressure cooker that's about to explode. You are holding your emotions in instead of calmly expressing how you are feeling.
Stress can do so much damage to your body and that's probably why you are having the heart issues.
You must find some way to decompress. What relaxes you?
Is your home your safe haven? Or do you feel stressed out at home too? Does your wife know that you are stressed?
Could you try going to a counselor maybe once a week for a month or two because you seriously need to release these feelings and learn what is the best way to transition into a healthier state.
I would try the counselor first. My other thought was that you could meet with your boss and let him/her know that you are a little overwhelmed and suggest what could be done to lessen the load on you (provided it's within reason).
You need to open the lines of communication, not close them by holding everything inside.
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