Please help porn addiction kinda

Postby TheRogueEdition » Thu Dec 14, 2017 2:36 am

This is gonna be a long one but I need help and I’ve tried on my own but it just don’t work, I’m out strong enough. I hate myself. I live a kinda f***ed up life, dad left when I was very young, he was extremely mentally abusive and didn’t understand or believe in mental health isssues. He was in the army, where soldiers are told to do something so they would do it. He would then try and incorporate this in home life. I have adhd so I could never stay still when I wa younger so he’d bark orders for me to stop moving my feet and I’d try but the second I took my mind off of it they’d subconsciously start twitching and this would infuriate him. S skip along a few years to when I’m 10, he finally leaves after he was discovered having 100s of affairs at once. So I start secondary school. At first it goes well, I cope amazingly given the adhd, severe depression, ptsd and anxiety. Year 8 goes great aswell to start with, but then roughly halfway through the year I just kinda stopped living. I’d stop going to play rugby, I’d stop talking to my friends, I’d stop getting out of bed and going to school, the will to do anything just faded away. I put on weight and then this sunk me into even greater depression and I started to feel suicidal. So move on a year of stress and depression i stopped going to school entirely. I missed all of year 9 and 10. Then a new opportunity arrived. Internet school. So around about some time then, I’m not really sure when, I must of been about 15 when I was sitting in my room watching porn. Always quite easy going in that aspect, but then I had this weird dark temptation come over me, I remember reading about something called bestialitly. Curiously I dared look it up and stumbled upon a few videos of women having sex with dogs. I don’t remember what I felt at the time but it didn’t gross me out or make me feel sick. It’s all abit of a blur now but this all continued for roughly another year. Slowly my life starting changing, I was no longer as depressed or suicidal and I saw all those new doors opening for me. It was going good until the porn got worse. I never really saw viewing animal porn as wrong, I mean I knew it was wrong but it didn’t seem not right if that makes sense. I’m not sure if I felt it then or not but more recenty the same old women and dog wasn’t cutting it so I started branching out into other things. Much more hardcore things, all still with animals, I should add nothing gory or child related. SO now I’m 17, and all this guilt is starting to hit me. I’ve tried my best to stop on my own but it’s to hard. I will never go to family with these problems for I fear the embarrassment would drive me over the edge. The guilt comes from the fact that I know it’s so wrong and whenever I’m not in a hormonal fuelled sex drive I hate myself but in that moment it just seems so right. But then after I feel like a piece of human sh**. I don’t know whether my attraction stems from not ever really having female company or me still being a virgin but it’s eating me alive. More seriously recently I was at a caravan holiday park with my mum brother and little sister. On one day when we were there I dont remember why but my sister who’s 9 has taken my phone. Obviously me being much older and stronger I could have easily taken it back but instead I chose to play wrestle with her to try and get it back and then the worst thing happened, I got an erection. I was horrified knowing that my f***ed up brain was now attracted go my own little sister. This spun me back into abit of a rut. Moving on a few months I tried even harder to not give in to temptation and start a fight so I could wrestle her and just be around her I guess. But no matter how hard I tried my hormonal brain would just take over and I’d snap. I’d wreslte then walk away to my room and masturbate thinking about her. I tried my best not to but as soon as I came all I can think about is her no matter how hard I try to focus on other things. So a few months later and this is now. Although I would never ever actually try anything wirh her I hate this disgusting feeling I get for her. She’s my little sister, I’m supposed to protect her and care for her where and she trusts me but she has no idea on my horrible minds f***ed up thoughts. Everyday I stoop lower and lower into a rut again where I am n the brink of being suicidal again. Bestiality and incest. How f***ed my brain is. I just need some help figuring out how to stop these thoughts and feeling and most importantly how can I know something’s so wrong but it feels so right. Why does my brain tease me and toy with me, randomly putting disgusting thoughts and images in my head. Please any help at all would be amazing, I feel as though I’m running out of options so I turn here. Please help.
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Postby HDog455 » Thu Dec 14, 2017 11:45 pm

You haven't run out of options because you haven't yet taken any positive steps to address your issues. The first thing you should do is seek professional help - make an appointment with a GP who will then refer you to an appropriate specialist.

From my experience, this forum is not frequented by members of the medical profession who would be likely to offer help, given your particular situation, via an internet forum.
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Postby Ihceik » Sun Dec 17, 2017 11:01 am

I just want to let you know that this is extremely common with porn abuse. The good thing is, these thoughts are not a reflection of you. Your brain is trying to produce the same dopamine high it did when you first started, but due to your abuse, you've created tolerance. So now you seek more extreme forms of porn to get the same relief. The answer to all yours problems is simple. Do not confuse it with being easy, because it is not. But it is simple. All you have to do is cease porn and masturbation for at least 3 months. Your brain will repair itself, I promise. Please visit nofap And I can guarantee this deep rabbit hole you feel you're in now isn't as dismal as you once thought. There's hope if you act. Remember, it's not easy. But it's simple. I really hope that I have gave you some hope in this situation. Visit that website, join the community and you will be fine.
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