I push back everyone who tries to love me

Postby chloeuk » Thu Dec 28, 2017 4:59 pm

Hi,

I'm a 22 year old woman. I'm concerned since I've been super down and my self esteem has never been worse. I feel like a piece of trash, for real. I do have friends, friends who, i know deep down, love me to the moon and back and i love them as much, However, I feel more and more weird since i'm a virgin, at 22. I know it's not a race, I know it doesn't make me a freak or anything, but I can't stop comparing myself to others, and i also know that i am indeed the ugly friend. It hurts so bad, every time my friends talk about their love lives it feels like someone stabbing me right in the rib cage. It hurts so so bad, even physically.

I feel like a loser, that no one will ever love or approach me because of my anxiety. I don't believe in the saying that says there's someone for every body. Some of us are just destined to be loners. My mother won't stop telling me I'm gonna end up alone, since all my friends will be married, or with kids or something.

My best friends know what I feel, they keep saying that it's all in my head, that it's not true etc. I don't believe them and push them away, asking them not to talk to me, to leave me alone for a day or even more... I've even considered not going to further events with them. I've also been having lots of suicide thoughts lately. I know for sure I won't commit it, but i've really been thinking about it and for some reason it's made me feel... good somewhat ?

Please, tell me if you've ever been in this situation, or what you think of it... i'm kinda hopeless and helpless here

Thanks
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Dec 28, 2017 5:40 pm

chloeuk wrote:but I can't stop comparing myself to others...


This is normal, but it is also unhealthy and a huge problem in society.

Focus on this one issue and it will really help you. Mindsets are very powerful, and when you have a mindset of comparison to others there is no ability to achieve success, because there is always, 100% of the time a person that is subjectively better or has more, etc.

Getting away from this mindset is not necessarily easy, but it is also not really all that hard. To adopt a mindset that focuses on healthy comparison, set goals that focus on comparing your performance yesterday to your performance today. It is self-comparison that you use as the standard.
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#2

Postby laureat » Fri Dec 29, 2017 8:55 am

You are single; and you believe others are happy; so the question is are the others really happy? i believe " Happy are those who believe to have a good life "

Now a problem with that, is it isnt as easy as it sound: some think their partner is not good enough, some think their career/job is not good enough, some think their income is not good enough ; and more; its not easy to believe to have a good life, excellent life. there is always something ppl can come up with and say i dont like this about my life: so im unsure how happy are ppl around you

You assume that with a partner your life will become better: how easy that sounds? but what if the partner will only brings you troubles? Dont get me wrong here; im not teaching you against relationship my question is only focused on happiness, what makes us really happy?

confidence is important;

we would like to know if others rate us positive because that is important for our existence, our success; sure? i would appreciate if other ppl like my pics on facebook, i would appreciate if other ppl like the job i do; why? Because it reminds me im doing good, reminds me to trust myself, even though i dont see that happen really often, now what should i do about that?

You may believe " your life is terrible because you are a virgin " and if that is what you believe?

believes = feelings

sure sex would get you somewhere else ; but is life really going to get better just by having sexx? I dont know about that

I hope you soon enjoy sexx and relationship but the basic problem here when someone is desparate about a partner, when someome is desperate about sex, is because often leads to bad decisions, troubles, disappointments so be aware about that; its something we fear about and the reason most of ppl call to be patience


Is there someone for everybody?

Well if you look it from different perspective; in sports all the players get their own football clubs, top players top clubs, average players average clubs and so from that kinda logic there is a club for all the players, and there is a partner for everybody, is just that in relationships some ppl think too highly of themselves and reject all the offers because they dont seem good enough

Rejection is not always a bad idea; in relationship life there has to be patience and also rejections; you just dont want to overdo it; sometimes you just have to accept an offer and go out with somebody
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#3

Postby Livetowin » Mon Jan 01, 2018 1:24 pm

I've been in your shoes when I was young and felt exactly the things you have felt. But now at 53 with a family and a grandchild, I wonder how the hell I ever functioned like that, because i see the absurdity of it with context to experience.

First let me get the virgin shadow off your back. There is nothing... NOTHING... sacred about screwing someone. When you're young and you see some of your friends talking about it like it's a daily routine, that attitude makes you feel incomplete and somehow fractured from your peers. What you SHOULD be is grateful that you don't share that quality.

You can look at sex as a mark of achievement but just remember two dogs can go out in the back yard and go at it any time they want. Does that mean they have reached a milestone as well? Can those two dogs join your friends club? Sounds outrageous doesn't it? Well so is you thinking about it.

Your friends might have found someone to mess with but that is no measure of them as people. It just means their taking risks before you are, which in my book, gets you ahead in the game. There's no milestone to having sex. That part is absolutely in your head. Did it change the two dogs? Doesn't look like it. You'll still be you too. So be careful about that and don't go looking for someone to use you so you can say you did it too. THEN you'll really feel bad because you're wrapping you identity in it.

The rest of what you have going on is pretty simple, it just looks impossible from where you stand. You don't believe in what you think or say. You believe your opinions hold no value. So what you do is look to others to set the standard. You let other people define you. If all your friends wore chicken suits tomorrow and said it was all the craze, you would be scurrying to find one for yourself. Don't believe you would do that? You're doing it right now.

You also place waaaaaaaaaay too much weight on their relevance. You say they love you " to the moon and back". That's a child's rhyme nestled in fuzzy emotions to service the moment. Truth is most people at that age have not been challenged in life to have to stand for something because they spend all their time online in the "group think" mode. It's a herd mentality that discourages individuality and emotional maturity.

If you want to break this spell your under, you need to get off your knees and start realizing your voice counts as well. Whether they like what you think or say is completely inconsequential. Were you put on this planet to be their lapdog? Hopefully not.

Let me give you a peek into the future that lies around the corner from which you can not see based on your current belief system. I have two rules in life that govern everything I do - I ONLY control myself AND I never let others define me. What that means is you have two choices at every turn in your life. You can either make decisions that service what you want in life or you can look to others to decide for you.

If you look to others, then you will always be in the dark because their goals are not really your goals. All the questions you always have about, " Why don't they like me? What are they really thinking? Who am I really to them?" and probably a dozen more will remained unanswered. Why? Because those answer don't reside with them. they reside inside YOU.

Well if you say, " What if I do something and they laugh at me?" Well good! Then you KNOW what they are to you. Nobody. Friends accept you as yourself, not because they need someone else in the "pack". Be yourself. Do the things that you like to do and focus on believing in you. Life will get allot clearer and your choices about what to do will become more defined. Then you'll wonder why the two dog rule ever governed your life. I wish you all the best.
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#4

Postby quietvoice » Mon Jan 01, 2018 2:12 pm

Livetowin wrote:It just means their taking risks before you are, which in my book, gets you ahead in the game. There's no milestone to having sex.

Well, unless there's an unintended pregnancy. That would be a life changer.
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#5

Postby Livetowin » Mon Jan 01, 2018 2:48 pm

quietvoice wrote:
Livetowin wrote:It just means their taking risks before you are, which in my book, gets you ahead in the game. There's no milestone to having sex.

Well, unless there's an unintended pregnancy. That would be a life changer.


I meant she who is the virgin is ahead of the game. Pregnancy, disease, and any number of other gifts that keep giving are on that other list she surely doesn't need right now.
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#6

Postby J Derrington » Wed Mar 28, 2018 2:41 pm

It sounds like you are afraid of being vulnerable. You are afraid of being hurt or of not being what people expect and so you end up hurting them. I had the exact same, I pushed so many people away that all my acquaintances never became friends and I was never really close to my family. You are afraid and nervous because of the unconscious beliefs you have about yourself and others. Letting go of these beliefs and the fear that comes with them is a process that takes time but it can be done.

1. Understand where these beliefs comes from
2. Take action

1. This fear comes from your underlying beliefs. Even though you might not be aware of it, you probably unconsciously believe that you have to be perfect for others to like you, that if you say something wrong people will think that you are stupid and will think less of you, that you are fundamentally imperfect (so you have to be constantly monitoring yourself, doing something so that this doesn't shine through. You don't think that you can simply relax and still be ok). You probably also think that it is "dangerous" to be be very close to someone, because you don't think that people will be able to hold you when you pour yourself on them, and that you will end up worse off by being close to themThese beliefs were acquired as you were growing up, in school, through your parents, your peers, ... As a child you misinterpret people's criticism and anger towards you as an indication that you are imperfect just by being yourself. These beliefs are unconscious, like you say, you don't know why you are nervous. They are stored in you in the form of this fear and desire to be alone.

2. You can only let go of these beliefs by taking action. You have to receive experiences where you will feel this fear, they are great opportunities to experience the desire to push them away and to tell yourself that it is just your body trying to protect you from being rejected by your peers. Don't beat yourself up for wanting to push others away. It is there, don't resist it, understand it. It is your body telling you to act so people don't see what you are scared they will see. There is no better recipe for failure than to make your problems 10 times heavier by telling yourself that you shouldn't have them. I recommend that you seek out opportunities to be vulnerable, so that you can rewrite your unconscious opinion of yourself, and to see that you are OK just by being yourself, and that people are welcoming of you as you are. You will come to see things for how they are, and not like your inner fear sees them as. :D
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