I want to feel normal!

Postby seekingpeace23 » Fri Dec 29, 2017 7:47 pm

Hey

I am lost and need help. I am in contact unhappy mode since 6 months. This will be little long post.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. He is Canadian and I am Indian.I live in canada. I was born and brought up in india. I live with my boyfriend past 2 years. Last november, I had a small incident where i live that just threw me off and put me in panic mode. I decided to go to india for a visit. My parents came back with me to stay with us (me and my boyfriend)for 4 months. Few days then i use to feel sad. like i remember calling my boyfriend and just crying and saying"i dont feel good". Thats all i knew. But i use to smoke that time, so i use to feel better once i was home.

as my parents were leaving, me and my bf got in big fight(biggest we had so far). and then for 2 weeks i was just disconnected with world. Like i felt no feelings. I felt numb. When we went to drop of my parents, i was sad but not crying. I started questioning myself that why m not crying, something is off. I stopped smoking since then, as it made me very anxious and feeling like im going crazy and will die.
I kept researching online that do i have some mental disorder? All day at work, i just did one thing-google!
All i was doing was trying to find a reason for me feeling"off". Like someone just switched off a button in my mind, where i stopped feeling the connection with my family, my sister, my boyfriend. Then i went to hospital one day thinking im getting a heart attack, all it was a panic attack. I got a relief and then a question popped- DO I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND? is my unhappiness/ off feeling because i dont want to live with him and just want my family? Like i know i love my family and miss them being around-but i need to realise that i am 28 and cant live with them all the time.
I kept comparing my feelings, checking how im feeling with him, I dnt feel like having sex with him. I just feel like cuddling him, hugging him. But then a voice comes"are you acting? "I feel anxious when i hear I love you. I ask my friend, who are married that how they feel about there husband? and then i feel-why i dont feel like that-that menas i dont love him? Sometimes i feel i have anxiety and thats making me not feel the love, I feel better after that (but still this off feeling doesn't go away). And then i worry "of its not anxiety-may be i dont love hima and just trying to fool everyone and live in denial"

I am going for CBT, but she doesn't get it. She focuses only on my relationship and how to make it better. I am very scared. I just want to be like i was 6 months back. Happy with him!

one thing that has got stuck in my head is that-may be i should marry someone from my culture? May be then i will not have these issues. May be we are not meant t be together and i am just in denial? May be i will just break up one day. Now i am getting convinced that i dont want him. But i really dont want to lose him. He is the best person i ever know.

at this very moment, i feel like breaking up with him. ! May be i dont want him anymore? And im just anxious to let this relation go?

I hope to get some help there?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Dec 29, 2017 8:04 pm

seekingpeace23 wrote:one thing that has got stuck in my head is that-may be i should marry someone from my culture? May be then i will not have these issues.


You are not happy with you.

What does that mean? It means that if you marry someone from your culture, you still won't be happy. It won't fix your problems. Going back to India won't solve your problems. Staying in Canada won't fix your problems either. Staying with this Canadian boyfriend won't fix your issues.

As long as you are unhappy with who you are as a person, you will not find happiness in the world. You could be rich, famous, have a family, a husband, be living in whichever country, etc. and you still will not be happy. Why? Because none of these things bring happiness, especially to a person that is unhappy with who they are.

If I had to guess, meeting this guy and moving to Canada was an attempt to escape yourself and find happiness. You thought at some point that a relationship and living in Canada would make you happy. But, your underlying insecurities, you not being happy with yourself was not changed by leaving India.

I recommend you focus on trying to redefine what you think will bring you happiness. Work on building your self-esteem. As you begin to improve and become happy with who you are, your focus will shift away from trying to find happiness in someone else or some other place.
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#2

Postby seekingpeace23 » Fri Dec 29, 2017 8:08 pm

I agree with you. I dint move here for him, I came here to study and settle. And then i met him.

I have had low self esteem from childhood.

The isuse i am facing right now is depression and anxiety! The anxiety is all around my relationship. I dont want to loose him . but im forced to think that i will. Because i feel there is no other way now to let these thoughts go. ?
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Dec 29, 2017 8:16 pm

seekingpeace23 wrote:I have had low self esteem from childhood.

...i feel there is no other way now to let these thoughts go. ?


Build your self esteem. Focus on your self esteem. As your self esteem increases, these secondary thoughts that you believe impact your happiness, such as where you should live or what other person might make you happy in life will go away.

Currently you are focused on the secondary thoughts while ignoring the underlying self esteem issues. This is wasting much of your time, because these secondary thoughts will never fix your self esteem.
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#4

Postby seekingpeace23 » Fri Dec 29, 2017 8:45 pm

It is very tough. I am having a spike right now that i want to break up. That i dont want future with him? That i feel unfit all the time with him.
I am crying, legs shaking and very heavy chest feeling that i HAVE to break up.
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