How much of this is depression?

Postby wonkymirror » Tue Jan 02, 2018 9:24 pm

Hi All,

I haven't posted in a very long time, but whether it's the time of year, the fact that christmas is over- I don't know, but I find myself feeling down and need some friendly advice on my situation.

Although never diagnosed with or treated for depression for any sustained period of time I do think that my mood dips semi regularly and usually I can deal with it and move through it. Recently though, I keep having reoccurring thoughts and I am unsure what to do.

I live with my boyfriend of 2 years, it is the first time in any of my relationships I have lived with a partner. We are both quite stubborn in arguments, which usually end with me backing down or being made to feel like I am in the wrong. I wouldn't say our relationship is toxic as it has many redeeming qualities, but in times when I am suffering from a state of depression I begin to question if I am making the right choices in life.

We rent a very small flat together and as it stands it is all we can afford. We both work extremely hard but do not earn a great deal of money. At the moment I feel as if life is grinding me down and it is hard to differentiate if I am unhappy in my relationship, or in life in general.

I think our current circumstances upset the both of us as we know that we deserve, and will eventually work towards a better quality of life- but it is of small comfort in the here and now.

My boyfriend has a very extrovert personality, but his moods often swing like mine- when we go out and socialise I often feel as if he acts the clown for attention, even dumbing himself down for a cheap laugh. Meanwhile I sit quietly like the grumpy shrew, when all I really want is to shine as the person that I feel I can be.

Recently we visited my boyfriends family and he got drunk and behaved appaulingly, shouting at them all and then leaving to walk home miles and miles away. I headed home and spent a good 5 hours from 1 in the morning trying to track him down and scared that he was dead somewhere. His family by this point had had enough and left me to deal with it.

I managed to get him home and after a heart to heart he said he wouldnt drink again, and for days after he treated me like a princess because he knew how close I came to leaving him. But tonight it seems we are back to how we were before and I am in a state of depression.

How do I know how much of this is just the depression dragging me down? I love my boyfriend- despite his flaws, but at the moment it just seems destined to keep playing out like this.

I feel that with every petty argument a piece of me gets chipped away, how do I address this with him without causing another fight?

As it stands I am feeling defeated and need help


Thankyou for listenening
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Jan 02, 2018 10:12 pm

wonkymirror wrote:I think our current circumstances upset the both of us as we know that we deserve, and will eventually work towards a better quality of life- but it is of small comfort in the here and now.


What’s so awful about the here and now? I see many people get distracted by the grass is greener philosophy. Be careful, as the mindset about what you think you deserve will follow you into the future.

I headed home and spent a good 5 hours from 1 in the morning trying to track him down and scared that he was dead somewhere. His family by this point had had enough and left me to deal with it.


Why would you search for him? Why would you even stay with him? An adult throws a tantrum, acting immature, and this is who you consider to be a quality relationship? Searching for him enables this type of immature behavior. You thinking he might be dead is just an emotional knee jerk, irrational fear that plays into why he uses storming off, walking out as a coping mechanism.

It is so immature, that children sometimes make the mistake of using this strategy when growing up and mad at their parents, threatening to run away. A good parent tells them not to let the door hit them in the a$$. They don’t enable the behavior, they don’t let the tantrum thrower use it as a weapon against them.

Why would you put up with this? Do you not believe you can find a healthier, mature partner?

I feel that with every petty argument a piece of me gets chipped away, how do I address this with him without causing another fight?

As it stands I am feeling defeated and need help


You address it by refusing to play the game. You can’t be defeated at a game you don’t elect to play. Point him to the door. Conversely, you have options, you don’t have to enable, you don’t have to play, you can outline your expectations, you can establish your rules and if he doesn’t wish to meet your expectations, then no harm, no foul, just leave.

Currently it sounds like you struggle, because for whatever reason, whether fear of being single, fear of rejection, fear of XYZ, you are choosing to play the game.
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#2

Postby laureat » Wed Jan 03, 2018 3:07 am

Although i like Richards reply i would also like to make my participation so hope you dont mind

Recently though, I keep having reoccurring thoughts and I am unsure what to do.


You relax that is what you do
Well i cant relax what should i do? If you cant relax you exercise till you get tired and than relax

We rent a very small flat together and as it stands it is all we can afford. We both work extremely hard but do not earn a great deal of money. At the moment I feel as if life is grinding me down and it is hard to differentiate if I am unhappy in my relationship, or in life in general.


If you believe that your life is bad and you guys always complain about what a small appartment you living, there is no way you can be happy , you should learn to be comfortable with what you have, you should stop complaining about it,

Recently we visited my boyfriends family and he got drunk and behaved appaulingly, shouting at them all and then leaving to walk home miles and miles away. I headed home and spent a good 5 hours from 1 in the morning trying to track him down and scared that he was dead somewhere. His family by this point had had enough and left me to deal with it.


this is a case that ignoring is a good idea, Never feel sorry about something like that if he choose to walk for hours let him do on his own, dont be part of those games

I feel that with every petty argument a piece of me gets chipped away, how do I address this with him without causing another fight?



You did not tell enough about what you guys are argumenting about, but here is what i recomend that you should discuss with your bf

1. Do you guys love each other? If not brakeup dont use and abuse the other

2. Is there hope that arguments will stop? And why should you trust that?

3. What are the things you guys disagree about? Try to show more interest on each others interests, try to find agreements

4. Dont give up too easy, Try to make it work, as Richard said grass looks greener somewhere else , but if it doesnt work trust oneself that you will be fine if you brakeup,

Tell your motivation behind the discussion; you want to make it work you dont want just to brake up but there are things you want to discuss about so you dont sound strange as if all you want is to leave and make your bf feel unwanted
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