Depression and the ambigious relationship

Postby CranberrySawUs » Tue Jan 16, 2018 2:21 am

I've been dating this girl for a few months. Within weeks we became 100% honest with one another, she told me about the physical and sexual abuse she suffered in the recent past and how she thought she was over it when she met me, but hasn't. One day she had a breakdown and told me she couldn't handle it, we agreed to take it slow. But she was still all over me at her birthday party.

Over the weeks, she became distant, but not cold telling me she feels like she's slipping away. In public she's good but less affectionate, around me she's somber.

I find a post of her online were she states she fears she still has feelings for her abuser and it makes her feel like sh**, I never confronted her about this. I begin to let her do the approaching, she messages me telling me her biggest fear is the guy she's dating to dump her after seeing all this. I told her never to worry about that. Later chats, she then beings to tell me she's fearing that she's stringing me along. She panics when I tell her I'm meeting a female friend and wants to come along.

One day she drops all contact for a bit simply stating she can't handle ANYTHING. I get a call from her eventually saying she got put on probation at work. Her boss figured out something is wrong, and she needs to check up on it. She tells me she doesn't feel a spark but still wants to hang out with me. After that dinner I decided to clear my head from her and move on. But she calls me the next day asking if I'm mad, I tell her why I'm frustrated. She tells me normally she'd drop a guy, but for me she knows there's something more, but at this moment she needs friends now, not boyfriends.

I too begin to fall in a state of depression, barely stomaching food, not doing the things I love, and crying a lot(I've had HORRIBLE luck with women, I find one I truly loved and trusted and boom). We met up twice since then, one time she approached me feeling down asking for someone to talk to. We're not kissing anymore, but hugging. She tells me about our relationship as "I don't know". The next time was a party at her place to cheer her up. I dropped by stuff earlier in the day telling her we need to chat after the party. During the party, she was closer to me telling me I smelled nice, etc.

When we chatted she was scared this was a "we need to talk" I told her it isn't, I told her how much her love means to me, how I never felt at ease with anyone before her. She told me I've never dated emotionally available women, which she was one(she's on meds), but at this moment she can't feel anything, romance or not. We decide to the put the relationship on hold, but she fears she might not be the same post recovery, I agree to see other women, but be discreet with her unless it becomes serious.

She still chats with me almost daily. I can't stop thinking of her, and what I lost. I fear I may be friendzoned after this. I want to help her or fight for her, but I don't want to be a doormat. What can I do? How can I help her? How can I do it with the intention of not being friendzoned?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Jan 18, 2018 3:12 am

If it has been a few months and the relationship has not advanced, it sounds like you might already be in the equivalent of a friendzone.

I think you might be best served by (1) acknowledging she is not a healthy pursuit, and then (2) focusing on other relationships. You basically maintain a role as friend, but look for intimacy elsewhere.
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#2

Postby CranberrySawUs » Thu Jan 18, 2018 3:22 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:If it has been a few months and the relationship has not advanced, it sounds like you might already be in the equivalent of a friendzone.

I think you might be best served by (1) acknowledging she is not a healthy pursuit, and then (2) focusing on other relationships. You basically maintain a role as friend, but look for intimacy elsewhere.


Here's the thing, within weeks it advanced RAPIDLY, then she had her breakdown. And then she withdrew(2 weeks ago). What makes this different than the friendzones I've been through them before. She is clearly not using me, she's not chasing other guys. She's just in a bad place now(suicide watch). Aside from the stopping of kissing since she doesn't understand her feelings for me since she's on meds, I'm not getting the rest. So I'm trying to figure out WTH.
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#3

Postby theodor » Thu Jan 18, 2018 5:31 am

"Within weeks we became 100% honest with one another"
Careful here, honesty is not necessarily something positive.

"I've had HORRIBLE luck with women, I find one I truly loved and trusted and boom"
It's not about luck with women, it's about trial and error, and the way you look doesn't really matter.

It's clear to me you are in the friendzone since you became "honest", and it's because she didn't see in you a stability point. Comforting her as a friend may not be what she really needs. Since she was in an abusive relationship, she clearly enjoyed it to some extent, and now she's fighting with those thoughts, feeling guilty that she enjoyed it, but what you can extract from here, is that she needs someone to take charge, not be her friend, as she is a submissive person, try to give her instructions: "Let's go on a date tonight", she will clearly say no, then you say things like "It wasn't a question, get a nice coat, and let's have some fun"

We cannot change others, what we can do, is change ourselves and **hope** others will do too.

It's important what you want too, you may not be the person to match her type (the dominant). In which case the safest thing for your own sake is to move on. I feel a huge lack of self-esteem coming from your end, start working on that first, if you gain confidence and start being outgoing, women will come naturally, won't have to do much chasing, but never feel bad approaching a woman, it's a sign of courage even if you get rejected.

Cheers!
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