Unsure if I am depressed

Postby avijeetpandey87 » Wed Jan 17, 2018 8:30 am

I would like to point out first of all how this feeling originated. My parents are semewhat overprotective of me and so I couldn't go out of my house alone much and never learned to drive a vehicle. And was never involved in the street fun that normal students are. And i was ashamed of my short height upto 10th grade.This led me to become gelotophobic(afraid of being laughed at). Aslo, I was an academic scholar upto 10th garde, and I won and lost and just participated in many debates, speeches, presentation competitions, etc. So i had some sense of achievement.Overall, my life was balanced.
After 10th grade, I had to leave my hometown and shift to a city with better teaching facilities, a nice coaching institute to be precise, as i wanted to appear in JEE( IIT entrance exam). I got among the 11 elite students in the new school that were given free 2 year study course and were allowed freedom of not attending as long as they studied in their respective coachings and scored well. Everything was going good for about 1/3rd of the session. At which point I fell ill. I had chicken pox and had to rest for about 3 weeks. When i got okay i resumed my coaching. Only to realise that i was far left behind on my course. Due to this gap in knowledge I wasnt getting what was being taught at that moment either. I tried hard and covered some parts of what i had missed. When things looked like they were starting to get back on track, i fell ill again. This time it was typhoid, and due to the already weak state my body was in, I was on a compulsory 2 months' bed rest. Among all this chaos, my academic side suffered severely. I wasn't able to attend most exams and couldn't score good marks in those that I did attend. I had got a reputation of "the dumb stupid ugly kid who is always ill and god knows how got in the elite batch". I noticed this as most of the students in my batch in school and coaching would rather not talk to me. If I initiated a conversation they'd either make fun of me or just ignore me.Teachers would also mock me. This led to a self repeating cycle of me being treated as dumb and then me acting dumb due to nervouseness. At this point, it felt like all was doomed. My mother herself is a phsycologist. But, I was too afraid to tell her this. I was seriously dull. I used to cry for hours just thinking about the downfall my life had. I used to look at books and trying to understand the subjects but just couldn't which led me to become even more sad.
My School's Director was the only guy who understood what i was going through. He helped me thoroughly and allowed me to stay in the elite batch for the next year as well even if i didn't score good marks. So somehow I just thought lets get this year over with and it'll all go away.
Now that I am in 12th class and I am perfectly healthy and back on track in both coaching and school, the school students still treat me the same. I still feel out of place when going there. And due to this, i decide to go to school less. Studies are still good as I am studying in the coaching. But whenever i try to think about going to school or studying something thats out of course for the engenieering entrance and solely for 12th boards purpose i am reminded of how horrible a rep. I have and I just go into a deep pit of self anger and embarressment. I want to do things but I just don't. I just keep around doing nothing. Wanting to get up and do things. But to no help. I can't share this with anyone for the same reasons. I really need to get out of this endless phase of despair. I just want to not think about the negative things and start doing everything nromally. Is it depression? Is it social anxiety ? Is it just my gelotophobia? Please help me with what i should do.
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Postby realityusedtobereal » Sun Jan 21, 2018 3:35 pm

Having this pit of despair could be caused by a lot of things. It could be stress, depression, gelotophobia, or all of them effecting you. But it all does sound like depression. The most important thing to do is to get help. It's hard to tell someone all this, but talking to your mom or a family member is serverly important. Next would be to consult a doctor. Your doctor could pin point what exactly is causing this, and will most likely give you medication to take. I'm not a fan of medicine, but it does help. And the last resort is to wait it out, to be patient. This sounds like a dreadfully long process to wait it out, but it does go away eventually. My social anxiety and depression lasted 3-4 years before going away. (Without the help of medication). In the mean time, try to take your mind off all this. Do a hobby of yours, at the very least, watch tv or read a book.

It's long process to get rid of these things, but as I said, it will go away eventually, and you'll get through this. It won't be this way forever. I'm aware this all sounds like "cheesy" and basic steps to cure despair and depression, but trust me, it works. Please, tell someone and get help. It's worth all the wait and pain to get through. I hope I provided at least a lilttle help, and that you'll get out of this very soon. :)
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Postby avijeetpandey87 » Wed Feb 14, 2018 9:02 pm

Thanks for taking the effort. I Told my mom about it first, she gave me a medicine to supress these negative thoughts and a guided meditation session audio. Also, the fact that i scored good in school exams feels like self redemption. Now its better than before and hopefully It will be over soon. It's funny how my own mom is a phsycologist and I was afraid to tell her. Once again, Thanks.
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Postby asgoodasitgets » Sat Feb 17, 2018 6:40 pm

Reported. I care. Isn't recess over, junior?
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