Childhood Experiences causing Anxiety/Depression

Postby pillup1876 » Thu Jan 18, 2018 10:22 pm

So I need to talk to someone about this. From what I've read on the internet the things that I've done in my childhood are normal and I shouldn't blame myself for them. However, my OCD and anxiety wont allow myself to forgive myself.

Let me start when I was young. Around 4-6 years old, my older cousin of about 9-11 years old, started doing sexual things with me. There was never oral or intercourse (thank god), but at 4-6 years old, I had no clue about stuff like this, while she obviously did. I don't want to say she molested me because she was a kid herself and she didn't know any better and was acting on the things she saw( or god forbid, done to her.) but I was obviously at the age where I was easily impressionable and went along with what she said to do. And sometimes I do feel like I was molested and abused. At first I was nervous and scared at times and felt uncomfortable, but I also enjoyed some of the play (which usually involved kissing and boob touching, and I feel gross for enjoying). She also touched my penis once when I didn't want her too. I also vaguely remember one time at a sleep over she tried to feel my penis while I was asleep. This stopped after a short time (she got caught trying to show me her boob, but I think I asked her) and I got over it. However, the effects didn't materialize until later(my anxiety and OCD). Again, I don't want blame her, but I do believe I was taken advantage of.

This jump started my sexuality way earlier than it should have, and I'm ashamed for participating in those acts. I was also attracted to older guys at my age (now around 9-12) after that, and even tried to peak at older men in my family. I remember one time I tried to peak at my uncle's junk once while he was sleep, and even took a picture of his butt (mostly as a joke and deleted it soon after). I also started experimenting with my male cousin who is a year older. We did the typical stuff boys do(masturbate together (a lot), find our parents porn stash, measure dicks, etc. All of this was fine, except for one or two things. Because we experimented together, I got curious one day at a sleep over, and licked his penis while he slept once. I thought this was okay because we did other things together and this is what cousins are supposed to do ( From what I learned from my older cousin). I also touched his butt another time. I felt guilty, but we continued to experiment over the next two years, and then we stopped. During one the experiments, my male cousin put his finger in his dogs vagina and tried to get me to do it, but I said no.

Any way, I've never done anything like that with a male cousin or female cousin or family member ever again like that (all this happened when I was a young kid), and I feel like an upstanding citizen. Its just those things that I did with and to my male cousin and uncle makes me feel extremely guilty. I know it has something to do with being taken advantage of as 5 year-old, but I just blame myself for being disgusting. What do you think. Please give uplifting feedback.
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Postby Candid » Fri Jan 19, 2018 2:26 pm

I'll do my best, pillup.

The original molestation at 4-6 years normalised inappropriate sexual acts in your family. From what later happened with other family members, it seems likely these activities had been passed down from who knows who in your ancestry.

The main thing is, you didn't start it and you were much too young to be able to stop it.

pillup1876 wrote:I don't want to say she molested me because she was a kid herself and she didn't know any better and was acting on the things she saw( or god forbid, done to her.)

That shows great insight and understanding.

I also enjoyed some of the play

Of course you did! Babies are born with all the sexual responses of an adult. Press the right button, get the conditioned response. In most families childhood is considered sacred, and I'm thankful to have been born into one of those families. Everything that was done to you was wrong, but it wasn't your wrong -- and as you've acknowledged, it wasn't really the wrong of the other children who were simply doing what they'd been taught to do. That's what all children do, emulate their elders. It's the entirely normal and predictable thing for children who are born knowing nothing but with an innate desire to learn and grow by copying the bigger people around them.

I'm ashamed for participating in those acts.

If you saw someone the age you were, being treated the same way, responding with pleasure and even initiating, would you think he should be ashamed years later? You were merely going along with what appears to have been a family tradition.

Your interest in older men is all part of the same thing. You wanted to know, and be a Player in this game your family had going on. So you licked your cousin's penis while he was asleep. So what? Why would you stick with being done to once you'd learned the game and knew what to do to others? In your family, this was all part of personal growth.

During one the experiments, my male cousin put his finger in his dogs vagina and tried to get me to do it, but I said no.

You had limits, too. You knew bestiality was not for you. Good call!

I feel like an upstanding citizen.

And so you are, my young friend. Your sex life started too early, but that's all it is: the beginning of your sex life. You were in a situation in which all of this was safe and normal (seeing as no one appears to have objected), and there's no need to feel bad about any of it, or to 'confess' to future sexual partners. When two adults get together, whatever they did with whoever becomes irrelevant unless and until a lot of trust has been established and you actually want to talk about it.

Your post has made me feel deeply grateful for the innocence of my own childhood, in which the games were hide-and-seek, sit on a seesaw with my big sister at the other end, tickling, and things like that. I hope my post has helped you see your own childhood was equally innocent, it just included different games.

Blessings to you, pillup. Go forth with your head high and go on being the good citizen and role model you already are.
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Postby xander » Fri Feb 02, 2018 8:21 pm

I wanted to comment on one of your lines, "I also enjoyed some of the play."
Of course you did, and that doesn't mean you consented to it. Enjoyment does not equal consent.
So many assault victims feel aroused, even orgasm during assault. Disregarding pure physical responses however, a child's first experience with sexuality is fascinating and memorable. It was a mysterious, forbidden grown-up world of sex that you were plunged into. Of course it was so interesting and enjoyable!
I had a similar experience, with past enjoyment of childhood assault. The young woman who assaulted me was gorgeous, fascinating, mysterious and sexy. I'm not going to go into it too much, because this is your post, but I just want to let you know you're totally not alone.
Enjoyment does not equal consent. Also, anything you "consent" to as a kid does not equal consent. Children can't consent.
I hope you have an okay day. Please take care of yourself if you can. :)
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