Chalk's Weed Struggle-fest Journal

Postby InkChalk » Fri Jan 19, 2018 7:51 am

So i've been on the forum for a while, mostly reading the threads and journals people post. And they've been really really helpful.

I'm about 56 Days in (Closing in on 60 days!) I have felt some big changes in the last few days.

I have been wanting to start my own thread, but I haven't been able to submit posts i've written... I seem to back out.
However, I believe i need a thread for myself to be able to post things that are going on with me. And this will help me stay honest with myself. And a place to place ideas. Writing helps.
Lately i've been coming to the forum a lot more to because, i feel i've been hitting a rut. I know it's my responsibility, and I haven't been treating my life, and being as active as i should be. So I feel i'm mostly aware why i'm at an unbalance and experiencing situational depression. Tomorrow i will drive south a few hours to visit friends, this i hope will bring some much needed positivity.

Background longtime toker.

Feb 2017 - I quit, with the presence of a new roommate, i decided i would use it as a test to myself to be honest to myself and stop smoking. It worked... it was a real struggle with big withdrawals, energy crashes, etc etc...

July 2017 - I relapsed, relationship got rocky, and i hitting the green again... hard

Nov 22, 2017 - I Managed to build up the courage and quit again, with the help of my bro.
This quit was a lot easier, due to my 6 month break earlier this year, The encouraging words from users on this forum said me that i shouldn't give up, and it's better to quit again. A relapse doesn't mean it's over.

Jan 2, 2017- Decided to stop drinking beer; i've noticed it makes me feel depressed for the following days

Today - Lately It's been real tough, i just want to go back and smoke up a bit... but i know it'll turn to an all day thing.

Positives: I've started reading a lot more, and i LOVE it. I've been reading book on philosophy, and it has been absolutely encouraging and eye-opening.
Fitness has bene so so, my name is 'Ink Chalk' cause i draw and i rock climb lots.
I've been taking Vitamin D, and Magnesium, and it seem to be really helping. I've stopped drinking beer, and it's made a huge difference to my health.
I have been productive compared to my stoner times, and sent resumes. Also my mental clarity has given me ability to see further into the future, and set goals and a path for myself in the long run.
Constant dehydration has stopped, and my sleep pattern has improved (6 weeks clean)
Also a new thing... is that i've had a stash available this whole time. This has stopped the need for a hunt when i'm feeling down (this i think is something i do when i hit a hard point, and i'm desperate for an activity... which leads to me smoking again. contemplating to toss the stash soon, the availability is not helping me much lately.

Recent Weaknesses:
The things that make me depressed and relapse more i think is Youtube, and internet, and watching movies. Lately i've been spending hours, wasting my time on the computer... it's been pushing me back into wanting to go back to my old habits. - I think i'm going to change my desk setup to discourage this habit. I would rather read on the couch... but i haven't been able to shake the computer habit.
Lately i've been going to bed later, i think i've been cooped up inside the same place for too long.
Not having a consistent diet, (I have not gotten around to making a meal plan/grocery list... i think this may help)

I hope to update this thread in the future, to help myself keep track of my progress and realizations i come across.
Sorry if this post seems rushed, but I need to post something now.

Thank you to all people on this forum (all types of addiction fighter out there) I've found a lot of support in your words, and you will continue to do so.

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Postby InkChalk » Tue Jan 23, 2018 5:40 pm

Day 62
Last few days since I went down south to visit friends has been great.
It added a much needed boost.

Last while I've been refocusing/observing lifestyle changes, and how they affect me.

I've started taking Omega 3's and I have noticed an improvement in my concentration, and emotional control. I also take Vitamin D's w/ Magnesium, It feels like taking a bit of summer-time.
Diet has been improved too, eating more veggies, and 3 meals a day.
My thoughts have been more present, and i've been able to prioritized what needs to get done.

I finished the book 'Meditations' by Marcus Aurelius
"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love."
"Nothing has such power to broaden the mind as the ability to investigate systematically and truly all that comes under thy observation in life."
I read for an hour before bed for the last few weeks, I seem to sleep better, and my dreams and thoughts have felt... just better. I feel the mental stimulation different vs watching tv before bed.

BlueLight Effect: Screens emit blue wavelengths which affects your Melatonin. I read some articles and they suggest 2 hours before bed no screen. Your sleep becomes less effective (losing equivalent of 2-3 ours of sleep time)

SoulFull's thread he mentioned an technique he learned on the anger management forum from another use. When experiencing stress clench jaw, opening your mouth wide for 30 secs or so. I've been trying it out, and it really works! Thanks for the good tips dude.

Anyways, thats the update for now.
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Postby SoulFull » Wed Jan 24, 2018 4:33 pm

Hey InkChalk,
It's good to hear from you. So happy that you're still fighting the good fight being weed free. I'm here fighting the same fight. Although I'm glad to say that I think I'm starting to win now. I gets easier every single day. Loved the quotes from Marcus Aurelius. Showing gratitude for the life itself is something that I often forget. It raises the question, if I'm not living my life and life ceases for me, where would I be?

No matter how much II think of it, I will never get the answer, so as long as I'm here, alive, I want to be alive. Clear headed. Full of vitality. And I wish I remember to show gratitude everyday, for this one life that was given to me. That way, I would think twice, maybe hundreds of times, before ever attempting to waste the days away by smoking again, ever.

On another note, the anger management technique does work. Relaxing the jaw and all. It is also important to be mindful of what you're thinking when you feel any emotion that will cause the anger response. Being alert/aware of whatever stimulus causing the emotion, will help the mind to think differently thus changing the emotion and stopping the anger response. Hope this helps. Credit to Leo Volont, I find his writings awesome and filled with humor. Another way to counter angry outburst that might surface during this quit weed process; looking at things at a comical sort of way. Not taking things too seriously =)

All the best InkChalk. Good job on staying clean =)
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Postby InkChalk » Sun Jan 28, 2018 3:56 am

Thanks for the kind words Soulfull

Day 66

Today's been really difficult. I've been on the forum a lot today reading (for two reasons)
The Good reason: as we all do, is for support and wisdom that the users of this forum hold.
The Bad reason: Looking for an excuse to smoke 'weekly', or in a regimented way (i searched the forum... and luckily from unanimous peoples experience, the habit will just pick up again)
And i really don't want to go through any of the paws again (The longterm night-time dehydration is my last favourite)

Clenched jaw all day, a friend offered me weed; I rejected; but it wasn't easy.

It snowed today, so i wasn't very productive, and stayed cooped up inside which didn't help.
I've been reading lots of posts on the forum today.. maybe overly much.
I know i'm responsible for how i feel today, and it's all on me (not the lack of weed).
Weekends are tough, I give myself a break from work; when really i think i'd be happier doing projects.

IrishStonerGirl really said something in another thread (link below) that really touched on how perspective can change everything.
"sometimes when I'm reading these forums and what everyone else is going through I'm wondering if I really had a problem - I mean although I'd love a joint, I made a decision not to smoke anymore and I feel if I keep saying how depressed I am without it it will make me depressed if you know what I mean!!! "

That's it for today
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Postby imondayXX » Thu Feb 08, 2018 2:55 am

how are you doing brother?
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Postby InkChalk » Wed Feb 14, 2018 1:27 am

Hey, Kinda been out of the internet realm.

The last weeks have been very stressful. And i ended up having a few bowls.
I didn't really know how else to deal with it, during a bought of anxiety during a night.
Everything went out of wack because of family, and tremendous amount of work.

It didn't feel like it was worth it though, i woke up feeling like sh**, but i don't feel powerless. Tiny bit of PAWS, but nothing like last year.
I've decided to take a vacation (blaze free) to reset myself.
Lately i've been feeling like i've forgotten all the cool paces i can go see, makes me bit depressed of my lifestyle, and how much more i want to do.

Thanks for the checkin imonday.
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Postby SoulFull » Wed Feb 14, 2018 4:02 pm

Hey InkChalk,
Don't give up dude. I read that it gets easier the next quit. Record and remember what happened before you lapsed so that next time, you'd be more ready to handle it. And keep on taking those supplements. I find that I get anxious too if I skip taking them.

Hope things get better on your side bro.

Good luck.
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Postby imondayXX » Fri Feb 16, 2018 12:01 am

The important thing is to not be hard on yourself.. Every day we get a little better. I had one toke after 116 days and totally regretted it. It's amazing how powerful that drug is and how it effects me. My withdrawal type symptoms came back with vengeance.. Did you notice the same thing? After that I'm even more convinced that I never want to smoke again.
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Postby imondayXX » Mon Mar 05, 2018 5:21 am

How are you doing?
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Postby InkChalk » Sun Apr 08, 2018 6:38 am

Hey! I'm Back.

imonday, you're so right... I was too hard on myself.
Soulfull, thanks for being a mainstay on this forum (from my point of view). I have been keeping on my supplements... However i have noticed that if i take them at night, i sleep really badly. its as if i get an energy boost in the middle of the night. Need to get on them in the morning. I often forget though.

So i guess i'll summarize what happened since... WOW February 14...
So i fell off the Wagon HARD. Went back to blazing everyday, all day... for... hmmm like a month+ maybe? And pretty much did **** all from jan 24-March 1ish.

Rather than making a big jump, 3ish weeks ago I got rid of my stash and agreed with a friend that If i wanted to blaze I'd go to his place.
Life has kinda just fallen into place since then.

My neighbour pointed out to me that i have some 'obsessive' tendencies. I go hard or go home. I aim big, and focus and try really really hard. But i forget about the step by step things, That it's okay to just live a little, and relax the guard.
I think my general view on this 'Fight' has become a lot more passive. And So far it's been pretty chill okay. I kinda look back and say "oh wow, it's been only been 3 weeks?"

I never looked at what I really wanted NOW. Or I was afraid of it, because i viewed things too permanently (Dichotomously). It has a lot to do with being raised that way.

instead i was looking at too Big of Plants, that were too overwhelming and often added more anxiety to myself. And I'd want to retreat back in to the cloud of smoke and forget all about it.

So this time i didn't go full cold turkey. I no longer have a stash. And the last couple fridays i had a toke or two with a friend. Every Saturday morning i woke up feeling like SHIIIIT. A bit of regret, but It was like a learning curve.
Because there's nothing wrong with having a good time.
But i was still able to get up the next morning, have a coffee, and get sh** done.
This weekend i Haven't blazed at all, and I've just been working and taking care of the dog. It's been a LOT better.

I've been building a house, i got a new job, I rescued a Dog (Which was a BIG scary decision).
I have no time to think about weed, and no need for it. I don't even think about clarity too much either. Nor have i counted the days. I could hardly call it an approach, it's more like just what's happening.

Before i was counting the days, because I had nothing else to wake up for really.
I know i'm still a bit space cadet, but I'm not gonna wait for my brain to be clear in order to do and get what I want. Each day i feel a little clearer. And the paws are different, because I fee like i'm just swimming in the present, rather than resisting the urge.
The Dog really helps, there's more routine, and responsibility to every moment. I think i can relate to more what you guys with kids go through.

There's still the f***ed up family relationship that i can't decide whether to cut ties off or not. I've been wanting to write to him, but i feel my ideas and thoughts are too harsh, and may cause more harm than not. But i don't think i can deal with someone who is so negative in my life atm. <Anyways this part is too dark to talk about.

My new Job is GREAT!, very stressful, but it's new and that's how it goes. Its given me a reason to be the best i can be. However i have been focusing on taking it in slow strides, and keep reminding myself that good is good enough, and everyone around me is there to help and not judge me. I don't seek their approval, Because i'm there to help them, just as much as they will help me do my job. The new town i live in is great. I'm definitely still working on loosing the city high speed work mentality.

My energy levels are back up. Especially my muscles. I'm able to extract their full potential again; weed was really holding me back for the month i was blazing hard. Very happy about that.

My diet is still needing some focus, and hydration is less than great. I've turned to more sugar lately, and caffeine to get through the tough days. I've decided to not be tough on myself about it right now. Although my body and heart are definitely asking for more healthy nutrition lately.

Anyways that's my update for now.
Any questions or comments, or whatever are most welcome. Love to hear from whoever!
I can definitely admit that i feel my thoughts aren't fully straightened up. But this is what i'm dealing with right now.
I'm really happy to not be blazing anymore. Infact I find it more frustrating if I get stoned, because i can't think about my work. I think i'm done with being an artist for awhile, and gonna keep on focusing on my career instead.
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Postby imondayXX » Mon Apr 09, 2018 8:54 pm

Hey InkChalk:

It's nice to hear from you. I relate to a lot of the challenges. I made that post at 90 days and thought I'd turned a corner, but I was really just in for the long haul. I'm at about 6 months now and I feel I've turned a corner again. The truth is I still have fatigue but the spells are less and less. The stories people in here are so true.

It's crazy how much your brain tells you you need weed. I've had so much paranoia that I had a more serious health problem. I still am coughing up phlegm, but it is very minor and improves when I exercise. It's true what people say that while we were smoking most of the time we're not eating well and our bodies are toxic. It can take a long time for our brain and bodies to heal and we just gotta stick with it because take it from me.. It does get better.

Don't beat yourself up over your relapse is the important thing.. It takes a long time to change our old habits, ways, people we hang out with, ways of thinking.. That is all apart of the healing. Even though I still physically have some issues, my life has completely turned around and I'm making the most of it now I feel.

Take care, keep up the fight.
~imondayXX (almost put my real name LOL)
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Postby InkChalk » Thu Apr 12, 2018 5:22 am

Hey Team,

I'm sorry my previous post was super long. Writing that was a good chunk of therapy.
Thanks for the write iMonday.
I'm going to try to limit how much i post here.

Week 3
Head's getting clearer.
Weather's been stormy here, really want to get outside.
Being outside feels fresher and crisper these days. Even with the rain.
I feel my soul feels the same way.
I notice a big thing that takes a while to come back is my social swiftness, and cues.
I'm naturally a bit shy, but also a mix of outgoing. The balance is difficult during these 'withdrawals'.
"Withdrawals" doesn't really describe it, more like swampy hike towards sunshine mountain.
I'm not fighting the magnetism pulling me back atm. Which is a great change.
Having a sharp pencil has never been more appreciated.

To all those reading, good luck to your journey to your sunshine mountain.
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