Did I screw it up?

[mmacc2011]

Hi,

I have recently set eyes upon some in my local gym who I perceive to be attractive. I've got speaking to said guy twice now and both times its been a short but friendly encounter. The latter conversation started because we work in the same industry, and we got chatting about that, and I said I had seen him on LinkedIn. He asks me if I connected and I said no, because I didn't really know him much and I didn't want it to come across weird. I asked him if he was ok with me saying hi and now and again and he said its fine. We've shaken hands multiple times and had a laugh and its been good.

Over to LinkedIn, I can't add him because he is too distant a contact, so I messaged him to say "sorry I can't add you, here are my twitter/instagram" so he can connect. And no reply. And suddenly he is deleting recent tweets, and the MD of his company viewed me instead on LinkedIn.

Am I being paranoid, is he ignoring me or decided he doesn't want to talk anymore. And did his MD look at my profile perhaps because this guy passed my name on and he thinks I might be looking for a new job? Or is it just because he is weirded out by me?

I've got a mix of emotions, and I will see him tonight probably again. Should I just talk to him and ask?

[Richard@DecisionSkills]

You are overthinking. If you continue to pursue and monitor it will most likely come across negatively in more ways than one. He may find any additional pursuit as needy or aggressive, with low self esteem.

Keep it simple. You have made your move. You have been clear you want a connection, including the LinkedIn and now offer for Instagram. He knows you are interested.

Now you leave him alone and let him decide what to do next. If he is interested, he will let you know. You just say hello, say it is nice to see him and then go workout. Don’t pursue, don’t ask, just be nice and wait.

As for screwing it up. No. It might be he just isn’t interested. That isn’t your fault. That is life. If he is interested, you will know within the next 2-3 times at the gym. If he doesn’t approach you and initiate more, move on.

[mmacc2011]

Hi there,

I read this immediately before I bumped into him again and did I my best to apply the no overthinking policy. He came in and jumped on one of the machines to warm up and I happened to be opposite. And he waved and said hey to me and smiled. If that's not a good thing I don't know what is!

Anyway, I kept it cool and shuffled off and he kept looking at me and I looked at him. Anyway, long and short of it, I cut the crap and we just got chatting about all sorts, for 20 minutes. None of it forced, not one-sided me asking questions a proper two way conversation with laughing and smiling. I guess we just click.

I don't think it'd ever be a relationship, he doesn't seem to be into guys, but that said, now I know him a bit and spoke to him, I can see he is not perfect, he's just a guy, granted he is physically fit, but he is not perfect.

And the bottom line, I decided to cut the cr*p and following him on social media, and he also now follows me back, and that's not me pushing for him to follow me, it was up to him.

Literally all is well that ends well, I'm happy and chilled, but I know I have some insecurities of my own to work on, to be happy whether he is around or not.

I can look forward to mynext gym session with no worries about how I wish he would speak to me, because if I see him I will say hey, and if I don't see him, then I'll catch him another time. No sweat.

Also, I think it's made me realise something bigger. Sometimes, you just have to muster the confidence and go and say hi to someone, and sometimes it pays off, and other times it may not.

Cheers!

[mmacc2011]

Oh and as for the no reply on LinkedIn and the MD from the company looking at me on LinkedIn - this guy from the gym laughed and said he opened my message and his manager saw who is a recruiter, and he wanted to know what I was about in terms of work, because they are recruiting for a role that I would fill. No weird stalking, just coincidence.

[mmacc2011]

You are overthinking. If you continue to pursue and monitor it will most likely come across negatively in more ways than one. He may find any additional pursuit as needy or aggressive, with low self esteem.

Keep it simple. You have made your move. You have been clear you want a connection, including the LinkedIn and now offer for Instagram. He knows you are interested.

Now you leave him alone and let him decide what to do next. If he is interested, he will let you know. You just say hello, say it is nice to see him and then go workout. Don’t pursue, don’t ask, just be nice and wait.

As for screwing it up. No. It might be he just isn’t interested. That isn’t your fault. That is life. If he is interested, you will know within the next 2-3 times at the gym. If he doesn’t approach you and initiate more, move on.

I think I'm overthinking again about this but need some clarity from a disinterested party. Generally the overthinking of this crush has stopped since I posted this reply a couple of weeks back. We've chatted on and off, one gym session I didn't talk to him, one gym session he said no more than hi, pretty normal stuff. We got a feel for each others schedule, we both knew we would see the other on particular nights at the gym etc and its just a routine that we will bump.

Had a shake up last night, he didn't turn up. It's caused me anxiety since, is it me chatting that means he has changed to a session at a different time to avoid me. It's pretty busy when I go anyway, which is usually why we chat, while waiting for machines. Or is he just away on work, or ill.

I've resisted the urge to drop him a message and say hi to find out if I will see him again. I'm worried I may not see him again, and I have an unrational fear he changed to working out before his day job, even though he told me he is not a morning person. I just cant shift thinking about it, should I wait till I would expect to see him again in a few days, and not message, or should I say hi and see if hes ok. I don't want to appear pushy or obsessive, but I can't stop overthinking it all right now?

Any advice.

[Richard@DecisionSkills]

I don't think it'd ever be a relationship, he doesn't seem to be into guys,

Has this changed?

Given it has been a few weeks and you are still obsessing over this man, you should know by now if there is any chance of an intimate relationship.

[mmacc2011]

I don't think it'd ever be a relationship, he doesn't seem to be into guys,

Has this changed?

Given it has been a few weeks and you are still obsessing over this man, you should know by now if there is any chance of an intimate relationship.

No it hasn't changed and no there is chance of an intimate relationship, but he is a cool friend at the same time. Hence I'm bothered about if he changed gym workouts. He was the one to initiate 50% of our conversations, so for him to suddenly be gone, is a bit of shock. I presume I should leave it a while of not seeing him when he normally works out and then just drop him a line to say hey, how are you? What changed?

Thanks.

[Richard@DecisionSkills]

I presume I should leave it a while of not seeing him when he normally works out and then just drop him a line to say hey, how are you? What changed?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but this is strictly a person you met in the gym and happen to have roughly similar schedules. This is not someone that you have ever shared any experience with outside the gym, right? You met in the gym, connected on social media, but never have met up independent of the gym, right?

[mmacc2011]

I presume I should leave it a while of not seeing him when he normally works out and then just drop him a line to say hey, how are you? What changed?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but this is strictly a person you met in the gym and happen to have roughly similar schedules. This is not someone that you have ever shared any experience with outside the gym, right? You met in the gym, connected on social media, but never have met up independent of the gym, right?

Correct yes. Chatted over social media once or twice outside the gym, but beyond that no contact. I don't want to be that full on - I'm happy to take it out of the gym and get to know him outside, over a coffee or something, but don't know how he would reply to that?

[Richard@DecisionSkills]

Correct yes. Chatted over social media once or twice outside the gym, but beyond that no contact. I don't want to be that full on - I'm happy to take it out of the gym and get to know him outside, over a coffee or something, but don't know how he would reply to that?

So then no...

You definitely don’t send a message. This guy is an aquaintance, not a friend. He is a man that happens to use the same gym as you and is a friendly, courteous, polite individual that has no interest in being your friend. Again, he is not your friend. He is a person that shares a gym with you and is a nice, polite individual.

You need to focus on learning healthy social skills.

When a person is merely an aquaintance, someone who happens to work out roughly a similar schedule, if they change their schedule you just leave it alone. What you are doing is borderline stalking an aquaintance, obsessing over a man that is just trying to go to a gym without hassle.

[mmacc2011]

Correct yes. Chatted over social media once or twice outside the gym, but beyond that no contact. I don't want to be that full on - I'm happy to take it out of the gym and get to know him outside, over a coffee or something, but don't know how he would reply to that?

So then no...

You definitely don’t send a message. This guy is an aquaintance, not a friend. He is a man that happens to use the same gym as you and is a friendly, courteous, polite individual that has no interest in being your friend. Again, he is not your friend. He is a person that shares a gym with you and is a nice, polite individual.

You need to focus on learning healthy social skills.

When a person is merely an aquaintance, someone who happens to work out roughly a similar schedule, if they change their schedule you just leave it alone. What you are doing is borderline stalking an aquaintance, obsessing over a man that is just trying to go to a gym without hassle.

Fair enough, I won't argue with that. How do you determine that this is not a friendship? And can you be sure that longer term it can't be a friendship? What is it that suggests to you that he is not interested in being friends? Just surprised, as he comes over to strike conversation and ask about what I do outside the gym. And passed my name around as a potential for a job at his place, as its in the same line of work.

Or should I just speak to him next time, and be honest - tell him I have feelings, then he can either say actually I like you, or no I'm not interested? Then I'm not lying about the reason I speak to him, and its his choice if he wants to remain talking?

[Richard@DecisionSkills]

Or should I just speak to him next time, and be honest - tell him I have feelings, then he can either say actually I like you, or no I'm not interested?

What? No...

Friendship develops naturally, organically as a result of shared interests, etc. Friendship is not a calculated series of interactions. Whatever conversations you have shared, it hasn’t naturally developed into anything outside the gym. You’re trying to force a friendship.

How have you developed past friendships? Who are the top 3 platonic individuals you hang out with and/or talk to on a daily or weekly basis currently in your life? How did those friendships develop?

Outside of the gym, how do you socialize?

[mmacc2011]

Or should I just speak to him next time, and be honest - tell him I have feelings, then he can either say actually I like you, or no I'm not interested?

What? No...

Friendship develops naturally, organically as a result of shared interests, etc. Friendship is not a calculated series of interactions. Whatever conversations you have shared, it hasn’t naturally developed into anything outside the gym. You’re trying to force a friendship.

How have you developed past friendships? Who are the top 3 platonic individuals you hang out with and/or talk to on a daily or weekly basis currently in your life? How did those friendships develop?

Outside of the gym, how do you socialize?

I just think there are a few factors here that perhaps mean its not got to friendship status yet. I mean should I have suggested to him we go for a drink? His first language is not English, so I think sometimes its hard for him to have a full conversation. We do share interests, fitness for example, skiing and snow sports. I'm looking at this "being friends" thing from another direction too. If I knew someone in the gym and didn't want a friendship, I wouldn't go seek them out and shake hands with them and ask about their weekend etc. Thats all.

He's a very happy, chilled guy (something I strive for and am yet to achieve), so if he is over here working abroad (which he is), I'm sure he'd happily let a friendship develop? Maybe it's just not that far yet.

Also, I wouldn't say its a calculated set of interactions. If were both in the gym, we say hi, because we recognise each other. I'm not going to sit outside the gym waiting for him to finish his session to try and catch him again. I'll see him next time.

My other friends, were and still are from school. And we've been friends so long I don't remember how we ended up as a group, but we did, and we get on really well.

Personally, I don't feel any of this is stalkerish, I am happy to see him when he is around, and I feel sad and anxious when suddenly he isn't here when I thought he might be - that's part of a crush to my mind.

Maybe he doesn't know many people round here (he doesn't know the road at the bottom of the road the gym is on), so perhaps he may be thinking I might ask to move this outside of the centre?

[Richard@DecisionSkills]

My other friends, were and still are from school. And we've been friends so long I don't remember how we ended up as a group, but we did, and we get on really well.

Personally, I don't feel any of this is stalkerish,

Maybe stalkerish is not the right word. You are way overthinking it. You are trying to strategize and force a relationship that just isn't there. You experience emotion when a person isn't at the gym. You are trying to determine what to do if for some reason this person at some unknown future point doesn't show up, how or if you should contact them. That is "stalkerish"...but once again, maybe not the best term.

You apparently don't do this with your other friends. You are not overthinking and trying to determine what you need to do regarding a potential future of your other friends. Why not? Why aren't you concerned with what Johnny or Jimmy or James might do in the future? Are you considering what to ask them if you don't see them soon? Are you strategizing and seeking advice how to better cultivate those relationships? Why not?

Look...there is something odd about this particular relationship, starting with the title, "Did I screw it up?" Platonic relationships, friendships that develop naturally that are actual friendships don't go down the path of being concerned about screwing up. The only type of relationships that ask the question, "Did I screw it up" are those of a physical attraction. In this case you have romantic and/or intimate feelings for a man that is not available. You have a physical attraction and this is messing with your judgment. This is why you are so focused on forcing a relationship and worrying about losing a relationship.

I don't recommend it often, because I'm not a fan of the overall mental health system, but I think you could benefit from some professional counseling on how to manage healthy relationships with heterosexual men that you find attractive.