My Anxious Mind

Postby seshie075 » Mon Jan 22, 2018 2:44 am

A friend has introduced me to this forum, and as I'm lying awake thinking about the promises I've made to myself to improve my health this year, I've decided to give displaying my emotions a try in the form of an journal/diary

I've been thinking a lot about my family and how although I love them to pieces, I always find myself staying away from them. I am at this moment visiting friends (at least I'm trying to convince myself they're my friends) from uni and am feeling more confident that I've ever felt in my life. However I have no reason to feel this confident, I am coming to terms with the fact I have a substance dependency, am in an unimaginable amount of debt, and a complete inability to maintain any sort of relationship outside of my immediate family- which is possibly why I try and spend so much time away from them. In my mind the more time I spend around people the more chance I have of making them like me.

It has been said that this need to be liked has stemmed from a difficult relationship with my father. I believe that it's a mixture of many things, but in order to work through my thoughts I'll start with my relationship with my father.

I know my dad loves me (my baby photo is the screensaver on his phone and computer) however the type of relationship we have is very fragile due to our differences. He is a very authoritarian man who has strong beliefs in what is right and wrong, and is very very good at concealing emotions- at least that's what I thought as a kid.

Then as I grew older I started noticing some of his behaviours (that I fear have rubbed off on myself) PDA (e.g. Hugging, kissing my mum, saying I love you etc) is something that is not a feature in my house, and although I was (and still am) and attention seeking child who loves hugs and sharing love, I quickly grew out of that as showing emotion is often considered a weakness. Again I love my dad and I know he loves me but I realise that he is incapable of physically showing affection.

I then noticed in all the arguments I have had over the years with my dad, he has approached them in a way that might seem strange. I'm 22 years old and he still hides my clothes and turns off the wifi in the house when I've annoyed him (every night he would ritually turn of the wifi, and the only way I would have had access to internet at home growing up would be off my mums laptop (or eventually the Orange Rio phone I bought myself when I was in year 10). All of this sounds very trivial of course, and it really would be if it were not for the attitude that came along with these actions. From a young age I've felt what I thought to be sincere hatred in his eyes whenever I did something wrong, or even something that would indicate emotion or silliness (I.e dancing, singing- I want to be a singer). Then one day at uni I thought, what if it wasn't hatred but just confusion at expressing emotion/doing anything out of line, and began to contemplate the chance that my dad my be on the spectrum but undiagnosed.

I started looking into symptoms for undiagnosed adults on the spectrum and saw stories that correlated with my experiences, but then also wondered if this really did explain why I am the way I am or if it was just a coincidence.

Which brings me round to my symptoms, which I need to face and accept:

I have a strong need to be liked
I constantly worry about what people (my "close" friends) think about me, if they really like me, I doubt they want me around a lot of the time
I am constantly in need of physical contact and hugs, but literally rendered incapable when anyone sits near me as I'm not used to being hugged
I feel that I am the most unattractive, unwanted human in the history of the world and that everything I do disgusts people: from eating my food (I make a conscious effort to chew silently, and avoid eating in front of people if possible) to breathing too loudly or fast (I often try to hold my breathe around friends) or things like the clothes I wear, my skin colour/hair texture.
****I discovered drinking/getting high made me more confident, but then dealing with comedowns/hangovers/stoneovers meant that I would have to remember my disgusting annoying behaviour from the night before, which meant I constantly spend the day thinking about my actions and why my friends hate me.****
I think about death sometimes fearing but sometimes craving and I think about how little I have to offer people anyway.

At the same time believe that my life is similar to the Truman show except my friends can orchestrate scenarios to "**** me up" (I've often thought boys in my friendship group pretend to fancy me, to then secretly gossip and laugh about how stupid/unwantable I am)

And as I read all this is see how superficial and sh** all sounds, but as you can probably tell by the erratic way this is written I'm losing my mind and need to vent, as I don't think I have vented to anyone for the 22 years that I have been alive. Hopefully I'll do a better job of organising my thoughts next time!

(Although it has taken me a v v v long time with much deliberation to post this because honestly I think I'm being an ungrateful lil b, so you may not hear from me again haha)
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Postby forestcritter » Mon Jan 22, 2018 2:33 pm

Hi there.

I relate to a lot of how you feel, as I felt similarly when I was in my early twenties.

I had a dad who had a lot of emotional issues because of how he was raised and in turn the way he behaved while I was being raised cause me a lot of emotional issues when I was in my early adulthood. My advice firstly is to not obsess over whether you're like him or not, or how all of his issues have affected you. They have surely affected you, but they should not define you. You are your own person and all you need to do is figure out a plan for helping yourself.

Secondly, all these feelings of self-loathing, shyness, etc. are not 'you'. They are just symptoms of not having enough support during your adolescence and not being able to grow into the person you wanted to right away. They are painful, yes, but if you are determined to have a great life, then they are definitely not permanent. The feelings suck but just try and remember they are extremely common for people with rough lives growing up and are not accurate reflections of what you look like, or who you are. They are just distortions of yourself that your mind has created which should not be given any stock.

Be as fearless as you can in trying to form new relationships. For me, finding positive relationships with other people was the backbone of my growth into a happier person, and also the path to finding romantic relationships where I got the physical contact that I so wanted. For me life got a lot better once I got this, and my confidence issues dissipated significantly. So do what you've got to do. Do online dating, approach people in school or wherever, ask them for a game of ping pong, strike up random conversations, whatever you've got to do to try and connect with people who you think you might want in your life, and don't stress out if you fail.

Also something I learned the hard way is that alcohol and drugs are really not so good for people with depression/anxiety/confidence issues. Especially alcohol. It's already a known phenomena even for regular people that when you drink you get a blast of feel good chemicals which makes you confident, and then when you sober up, the inevitable lack of feel good chemicals makes you depressed and super stressed about how you behaved when you were drinking, even if you didn't do anything weird. I found that this effect was very extreme in me because I was already extremely self-conscious, and the more I drank the worse I felt day to day. As a sufferer I strongly recommend sobriety for optimal feel good levels.

Anyway, take it easy on yourself, forgive yourself for whatever it is you think you did wrong, and reach out.
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Postby seshie075 » Mon Jan 22, 2018 3:34 pm

Thank you so much for your reply Forrestcritter. It means a lot, particularly as it feels like I was rambling on, so I'm happy you took the time to read and make a response.

I think the main feelings of guilt are the fact that regardless my family does love me, I've not really had a rough childhood- I went to a good school etc, so really I should have nothing to feel unhappy about.

As for the shyness/relationship forming, as I crave social interaction so much I'm good at initiating convos (I think) but as it progresses I notice I don't have much of anything to say, I'm boring and not good at maintaining relationships/keeping people interested! A prime example would be watching tv with pals- it's normal to have reactions to the show and laugh etc, but it again took me until I left home to realise that I'd become so used to sitting in silence with my family that I do the same with my friends and don't have the normal reactions I should have, which then makes me think why would these people want to hang out with someone like me!

I tried online dating (I've recently come out of a very toxic 3 year relationship) and struggled with it- if I'm around someone I have no romantic interest in I can be calm and collected, if I'm interested in erratic weird and scare them off (with the exception of one boy I'm surprisingly calm around, although I don't know how long that will last). I think the main thing with online dating is that it doesn't feel real to me- no one will see me/I have time to collect my thoughts and not have an embarrassing stutter!

I will try more with random conversations, and definitely try and cut down on drinking (maybe dry February can be a thing)

Thanks again for your reply though, it's nice to know that at least one person doesn't think I'm crazy/selfish and I'm definitely feeling a bit more positive for posting my experience
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Postby seshie075 » Mon Jan 22, 2018 3:35 pm

Forestcritter*** aha
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Postby seshie075 » Sun Jan 28, 2018 9:12 pm

So it's been about a week and it's time for another rant- this time it's about my ex.

My first serious relationship started by meeting a boy in the flat opposite me in university. Both of us suffer from anxiety and depression, which meant that we began spending time together when we were intoxicated, eventually moving on to watching films with eachother in the evening before going to sleep. I had drunkenly slept with him early on, but when we started seeing eachother again we decided to wait a bit. In a way I wish that I could begin a relationship like this again, because I'm absolutely awful at any form of flirting and incapable of taking hints because I honestly can't see why anyway would be interested in me!

A tricky point was reached when we weren't "official" but had been spending time together and I drunkenly slept with a guy, which caused tension between us, but somehow made us realise that we did want to go further in our relationship. However I know see that this may have been the cause for the lack of trust herein after over the next 3 years.

It took 8 months for him to cheat on me the first time, and i suppose during that time that was when the light derogatory comments began with regards to me being around other boys, mocking me about a previous crush I had (who coincidentally was my best friend at the time- we are still friends but don't speak nearly as much as we used to). He would often say "awww ***** doesn't like you back does he, is that making you upset?" Amoungst other things, but I looked past it.

Then the aggression began. The first sign was after a night out (I hadnt gone out but waited at his for his return) when he stormed into his flat and began smashing crockery against the walls and yelling waking up his housemates. I still have no idea what this was about. Then the aggression progressively began to involve me, with him coming v close to my face barring his teeth, moving on to pushing until finally in our second year of our relationship he thew his phone at me during an arguement (which again I'm not completely innocent because I was antagonising him as well). I had to go to a&e for sitches, but explained to the doctors (and my friends- although I have told some of them the truth now) that I dropped my phone on my head whilst lying in bed and the corner hit me. The final incident again, resulting from an argument, this time drunk in a club, resulted in him head butting me, unfortunately nobody saw so nothing was done about it.

Yet still, this is the boy that is my best friend and I still think of him this way. He knew he signs of anxiety and helped alert me to some of the issues in myself I didn't even know I had, is very very kind and will go out of his way to do anything for anyone and has been there throug struggles with my family and mental health. Of course I miss him and I think it's such a shame that anger issues anxiety depression and insecurity have ruined our relationship. I have not seen him in 2 months, and we have gone from talking every day to barely once a week and I generally do feel so much healthier and happier. However there are days like today where I just feel like I was overacting, I'm not a perfect person myself and I'm losing the one person I could talk to about anything in the world. Even though I am getting on better than ever with my friends, my anxiety still makes me think they pity me or don't really like me whereas I never have that feeling with him.

I feel lonely a lot of the time, no matter how much I try and surround myself with my friends, and although I have had a few crushes in the time we have been broken up, I feel that I don't have anything about me that would make anybody attracted to me and other than basic one night stands (which are non-existent as now I don't get drunk enough to talk to/pull anyone) that only happen because boys are only interested in a fling, I'm not capable of making a meaningful connection with anybody.

This is only heightened when I wake up alone hungover in need of a cuddle, with nobody there to provide one. Or when I hear friends talk passionately about girls that they like and wonder if anybody will ever talk about me like that or feel that way about me.

Again a v basic post, and I know there are definetly more important things to be concerned about, just wanted to rant again!
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