One year-Tried, failed, succeeding... 2018 better.

Postby DaWickerMan777 » Wed Jan 24, 2018 1:19 pm

Hello all. I have not been as active as before.

A quick recap:
I had a 5 year long pot habit. I loved pot, absolutely loved it. Last year, things came to a head in January 2017. I had bad panic attacks, horrific insomnia, tinnitus, and extreme depression. At the moment, it was time to quit, I knew it, the bad side of pot finally caught up with me. My old posts go over these times and reading them back I am ashamed. I thought pot induced panic attacks were bad- quitting weed was even worse.

I'm sure you all know about PAWS. The insomnia, night sweats, and DP/DR ramped up. Straight up withdrawal. Even more worse, it lasted for MONTHS. If this forum has shown me anything, it's that this is common among people who quit marijuana. And they say weed is a harmless drug, right?

The truth:
The PAWS got the best of me last year. After 4 months sober after my last journal entry, and not feeling any better (up and down), I relapsed. I went back to smoking weed in the summer of 2017. Just typing that pisses me off. I'm not proud of it; wasted time. Not just smoking it, but also edibles and oils. Just like the old days. And guess what? It didn't get any better. I was in a f*cked up rut. I felt extremely messed up due to the PAWS initially and going back to weed amplified how awful I was feeling. The insomnia never went away and I was officially losing my mind.

Now:
I knew if I was going to "make it", so to speak, I had to quit for real, no matter how long it took to get better. Let's be realistic, your brain does not heal overnight. I smoked my last joint back in October of 2017. I didn't want to delude myself and keep a journal or count the days. I just knew I had to do it and make it an instinct/second nature thing.

I knew what to expect this time, so mentally I think I was better prepared. And the fact is, I think this time around it has gone a lot better. That's not to say it's 100% smooth.

But here's how it has gone so far:

Sleep has majorly improved and I almost feel like my old self again. A solid 7 hours with no interruptions most of the time. However, every month, PAWS rears it's ugly head and I get about 3 - 7 days of insomnia, night sweats, and depression, but this subsides in time easily. Again, mentally, I handle it a lot better, so I think it clears up faster. Testosterone up, libido up. I think dopamine levels are stabilizing. I find pleasures in the little things again. Not fully there but a HUGE difference. To be quite frank I'm very optimistic about the future which is more than I can say for 2017.

So good the thing is I have a head start in 2018 to be 100% marijuana free for a year. I look forward to that milestone.

Thank you all for your entries on this forum. It has been a bigger help than you all realize.

SIDENOTE:
I have two very close friends who have recently quit their weed habits as well. I smoked weed for about 5 years regularly- these two, they had smoked it for over 17 years heavily, and unfortunately they are not handling their quits very well. It's been months and they are so different now, complete DP/DR. Really puts things into perspective.
DaWickerMan777
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#1

Postby cleanofgreen » Wed Jan 24, 2018 10:53 pm

Well done on bouncing back and trying again and glad its going well for you this time round. I tried giving up many times but unlike you my attempts only lasted a few days a most, until I had a break through.You know what they say, you can measure a persons success by the amount of failures they have.

Stay Strong

“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” - Denis Waitley

“Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement.” - C.S. Lewis

“Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.” - Napoleon Hill
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#2

Postby Gitana » Sat Feb 03, 2018 1:17 am

Welcome back to the grid DaWicker, sound like your resolve and motivation are pretty high, that s a good phase!

Never easy to do - i m a year clean now and i remember the hardest part were month 2-3 and 8-9 - although i never relapsed (not even tobacco), i was surprised by how slow the process of "feeling better" has been..

Hold on to this if this is what you want - and from what you write, it looks like the variety of choices is narrow !!

Enjoy the ride - it s a long one and only you know what you get from it.

Thanks for sharing openly too!
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#3

Postby asgoodasitgets » Sat Feb 03, 2018 3:13 am

@ DaWickerMan777 -

Welcome back, it sounds like you are headed in a positive direction.

I understand the disappointment and shame that comes from a relapse. Rewind back to 2011, I was looking for a new job and was forced to take a "break" from smoking until I was employed. My thinking was: get a job, then you can get high, simple as that. I couldn't wait. I had NO intent of quitting...it was temporary, that was it. As soon as I jumped over the urinalysis hurdle, I would officially be the mayor of weedville again, LOL. At day 2 or 3 clean, I felt so miserable that I quickly realized my true desire was to be done with the herb. I quickly changed my "break" to "I'm quitting" simply because I found the withdrawal so f***ing intense that I never wanted to deal with it again. I don't remember everything about that particular withdrawal aside from just feeling like sh**, DP, cold sweats, all that stuff.

Somehow, around 2014/2015, weed crept back into my life. At the time my girlfriend and I were in the ongoing process of separating and I was facing stress at work and financially. I remember being very-reluctant to re-try the herb after a work colleague offered me a hit off her vape pen. It was not long before I re-discovered my "passion" and was dabbing all day/every day. This is around when vape pens started getting really efficient, and I always had a pen on me with at least several grams of extract. All day, every day, until I didn't even feel like I was getting faded anymore, just f***ing my lungs up.

I am trying hard, as I'm sure you are, to simply forgive myself. I don't believe shame or similar emotions are productive for me in accepting the past and moving on. The only thing that matters is today and tomorrow. You got this! Good luck! :)

-Alex

@ Cleanofgreen - that Denis Waitley quote is amazing. I am going to put it on my dry-erase board. Thanks for the motivation.
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#4

Postby DaWickerMan777 » Fri Feb 09, 2018 2:00 pm

@cleanofgreen Thank you. Your posts have always been a huge help. More than you'll know.

@asgoodasitgets Your story resonated with me more than you think. The feeling of shame is overwhelming. So far this has been my most successful streak yet. I hope this morphs into a permanently sober lifestyle.


@Gitana Thank you Gitana. Your posts of encouragement in the past always were a help. It is, indeed, a ride. A truly slow process.

I have longer good days than bad now. The bad still creeps up ever so randomly but I feel improvement everyday.
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